People Tell Us Their Sensitive "Am I The Jerk" Stories

“I (28 F) have a niece (8) who has a problem with taking things that don’t belong to her. This has been an issue since she was two, when we were in Mexico and she would take an item from a vendor and walk off with it.

At the time, most people found it amusing but my mother and I told my sister she better squash that behavior before she is older.

This has continued from her taking things from friends at school or their houses or sometimes making ‘trades’, like her headband for her friend’s mother’s diamond ring.

My sister is very observant and immediately contacts people if she notices my niece has an item that wasn’t gifted or bought for her.

Now, I’m currently staying at my parents’ house because of some setbacks. When the kids have come around, I’ve told them that they need to ask if they want to see or use my things.

For context, I’m autistic so minor things, like objects being moved, can frustrate me. This is not an excuse for my upcoming behavior, just a bit of an explanation.

One day, my sister’s family came over while I was out. When I returned I noticed that my gloves and my rings were missing.

I immediately asked my niece if she moved them. She paused and whispered, ‘No’. That’s when I started stressing. I’m looking furiously for my rings because they are very important. I’m having a bit of a meltdown.

After about 15 minutes of me begging my niece to come clean, my niece took her mom into the side room and told her that she did take the gloves but not the rings.

We found the gloves under the couch. Now I believed my sister and eventually, I found the rings in my purse, realizing that I had definitely put them there.

At this time, I didn’t apologize to my niece. I knew it would be the right thing to do but at that moment, I couldn’t do it.

I know this definitely makes me a jerk because a grown woman should own up and apologize when wrong, even to a child.

Blinded by frustration, I was irked that I wasn’t getting an apology from my niece for taking my gloves and not being honest. Again, this happens often with many people in her life.

And my sister will constantly defend her daughter and not give her any consequences. Just makes her return it and apologize.

When I confronted my sister saying that her daughter is now old enough to know better and that if she continues like this, she is going to get into major trouble soon, she scoffed and said she is just a child and that I should have apologized for unjustly accusing her despite her plea of innocence.

Keep in mind that she lied about the gloves for a while before coming clean.

I doubled down and refused to apologize because my accusations were justified considering her continued behavior that isn’t changing. My mother agrees that if she has a history of taking things and not being honest, she can’t get upset when she is accused when things go missing.

Deep down, I know I should have apologized. But AITJ for accusing her right away when things go missing when she is around?”

Another User Comments:

“Apologizing to a thief who stole one missing item but not another is so counterproductive. It was reasonable to assume she had taken both pieces and had the forethought to lie until she couldn’t anymore.

It’s almost like congratulating her for not stealing one thing when she had stolen the other. I’d recommend having anything important to you locked up any time this little thug in the making is around. Stealing behavior in a young child can be an indication of a larger problem so I hope her parents take it seriously before it’s completely out of their hands to decide the consequences.

NTJ.” forgetregret1day

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She did steal. She does steal. Your sister needs to get this under control, not be mad at you for assuming her kid stole more items of yours than she actually did. It’s a reasonable assumption. She stole.

She steals. If she doesn’t get pushback and consequences, she’ll continue to steal. I wouldn’t apologize, I’d ask her why she took your gloves. If your sister says she apologized, be clear that doesn’t fix anything. Just cause you’re sorry doesn’t mean you didn’t do anything wrong.

If your gloves weren’t missing you may have remembered where your rings were sooner and maybe no one would have been accused of anything…” dryadduinath

“I (32 F) have a 12-month-old daughter. She was exclusively breastfeeding for the first 6 months of her life and we continued to give her breast milk after starting solids. Since she was born, I have been an overproducer of breast milk – I have been able to pump more milk than she can eat and built a freezer stash that allowed me to wean her and pump a few times a day when I went back to work 12 weeks later.

I’ve even been able to donate a lot through a local hospital. Even though my daughter is a year old and can start drinking cow’s milk instead of breast milk, she has a severe dairy allergy. Her doctor suggested that we continue to give her breast milk along with soy milk.

I was able to stop pumping two months ago and should have enough milk for the next 2-3 months and I intend to use all of it.

The relative in question is my cousin, Leslie (30 F). We haven’t spoken in years, mostly because she likes to badmouth me and my immediate family to other relatives for reasons I’m not clear on.

She has a lot of issues and projects them onto others. Leslie had a baby last month and has had some struggles breastfeeding her son due to a poor latch and a low supply. So imagine my surprise when I got a phone call a couple of days ago from Leslie.

Our talk went like this:

L: I hear you have a large freezer stash of breast milk you pumped for your baby. I can’t breastfeed or pump, and the formula my baby needs is very expensive. Any chance you have milk that you’re not going to use that I can have?

OP: Sorry, I can’t help you. All the milk I have left is for my daughter.

L: Really? You know they can drink cows’ milk at one year.

OP: My daughter is allergic to milk and her doctor recommended we continue giving her breast milk for as long as we can.

L: Can’t you just pump more and give me what you have left?

OP: Uh, no, my milk has dried up so I can’t just make more. If you want, I can connect you to a donor milk group on social media and I personally know some people looking to sell their extra milk.

I can see if they’d give you a good deal.

L: Seriously? Donor milk is way more expensive than formula!

OP: Sounds like you’ve found your solution because I’m not going to give you my extra breast milk. That milk belongs to my child.

L: I can’t believe you, you’re such a jerk! Family should help each other!

OP: I don’t have to give you anything, family or not. Even if I wanted to give away my milk, I wouldn’t give it to someone who constantly talks badly about me behind my back and acts as entitled as you do.

I offered you a solution and you didn’t take it. Good luck! (Hangs up)

The next day I got a call from her mom berating me for not giving her daughter my milk and calling me a selfish jerk, claiming that Leslie asked nicely and was ‘sorry for how she’s acted in the past.’ Both proceeded to send me nasty texts until I blocked both their numbers.

It’s my milk to decide what to do with, but am I being a jerk by not at least sharing some of it?”

Another User Comments:

“You’re obviously NTJ for multiple reasons ranging from your own child’s medical needs to bodily autonomy to not wanting to give in to a bully.

It’s your breast milk and you have the right to flush it down the drain if you want. It’s wonderful that you donated extra supplies through the hospital, those types of organizations can have an awesome impact. But that was your decision at a time when it was convenient for you.

Your cousin is trying to demand you make significant sacrifices to suit her preferences/needs. She needs to provide her kid with healthy food within a certain budget – understandable. Demanding your milk is very ‘choosy beggar’ behavior and quite rude. A little free advice.

You don’t have to always explain your ‘No’, especially with people like your cousin and aunt. They will just dismiss or ‘solve’ any excuse you give.

In my experience a simple ‘No, that won’t be possible’ gets the best response. Some people will still push back, but far fewer than I expected. If someone demands a reason why, I go for ‘it’s a personal issue that I don’t feel comfortable discussing’.” BookwyrmDream

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. When you’re 30 years old and you have to have your mommy call and yell at someone cause you’re upset, there’s a level of dysfunction there that you definitely want to stay away from. I’ve never understood those who think they can be complete jerks to someone and then turn around and ask them for a favor, or more appropriately, demand a favor.

I can’t understand that mindset at all.” Huge-Shallot5297

“I (22 M) made a plan to go to this concert happening in my city, I’ve never been to a concert before but finally there was a good concert happening soon and I had funds to buy the tickets as well.

I asked my friends if they wanted to go with me as this is something I’ve always wanted to do, but all of them said no for whatever reason they could think of (some of them were so silly that I felt like it was just that they don’t wanna go for a concert as a whole and that they are making excuses).

Now I asked another group of friends I have, who aren’t my primary group, but I hang out with them quite a bit as well. Most of them said ok as they also hadn’t been to a concert before, and we all agreed and decided to go.

In that second group, however, one of the guys was making excuses like my other friends. Making stupid reasons that sounded like he just didn’t want to come.

At this point I was pretty annoyed at all these guys making stupid excuses that they couldn’t even tell me properly that they didn’t wanna come, so I said screw it and booked tickets with the ones who said yes.

Now a few days later, guys from both my primary group and the other dude from my second group started telling me, ‘Oh crap, bro, we didn’t realize you’d actually go, why didn’t you tell us properly, can we come now’.

Now just to be clear, I asked these guys multiple times, and I was either ignored or given stupid excuses.

Now the concert tickets are mostly booked, and the chances of us getting tickets together wouldn’t be possible, one of the guys (second group guy) started telling me that he really wants to come now and asked me to contact the site and ask if there are availability in the same stand we booked in already.

Now I’m already pretty reluctant cuz this guy has been annoying me by being so ignorant about this plan, but I decided to contact him anyway via mail. I did so and apparently, this is 1 spot left.

Now I could either tell my friend and get him on board or I could just not tell him about the reply.

I normally wouldn’t but that day I decided not to tell him. I felt like these were the consequences of his own actions and that I shouldn’t need to go out of my way to help when he was being such a jerk about it.

Furthermore, if I do help him get the ticket, my other friend (from my primary group) would find out and could probably start thinking about why I didn’t invite him first (considering he is closer to me) and instead invited the other guy.

Instead, I decided to tell neither and just not do anything, so both of them won’t come and I’ll be going with only the people who initiated responded positively…

Am I a jerk for this?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Two reasons: 1. They’re adults, it’s not your job to make sure they understand that you’re ‘serious’ when you ask everyone if they want to go and they don’t clearly say yes. That was their choice.

2. They’re adults, if they want to go I assume their fingers and mouths aren’t broken so they can absolutely find out where your tickets are and then contact the venue/ticket sales.

It’s not your job! An alternative idea, if you wanted to be extra nice, would have been to tell both of them at the same time that there is 1 ticket left and two people who have indicated they changed their mind so you’re informing them both and it’s their responsibility to contact the venue/ticket seller to buy it.” Crafty-Effective-788

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, and here is some adult advice to do in this situation. Since the tickets are booked, these friends are asking to get in on the transportation, provided they have a ticket. If they can fit, tell them to buy tickets and they can come along.

If they try and push that on you the answer is simple, you already booked tickets and they said no. Give them the chance to buy tickets and come along. 90% chance they don’t book tickets. They’ll most likely whine but let them whine and just say you asked. Their whining doesn’t have to affect you.” william-t-power

“I’m (36 F) originally from the UK but living in Australia.

I’m a first-time mum as of April 2022 and shortly after the birth, I was put into a local mothers group which was a great opportunity to meet some other mum friends as I have no family here. In this group, I met a friend (also 36 F) and became friends with her.

We had quite a lot in common as she was also from the UK without family here, and a first-time mum. Whilst we saw each other every few weeks, we weren’t very close, and certainly not best friends.

During the course of the past year, there had been a few minor red flags for me regarding this friend and I was finding the friendship emotionally draining.

Over the past 6 months, I had taken some steps to distance myself from her and she had moved away from the area so we didn’t see each other as much.

As of December 2024, she is now trying to move back to the local area and announced she was registering her son in the daycare my daughter attends.

Not only this, she had requested him to be in the same class. For context, I live just around the corner from this particular daycare about a 2-minute walk.

When she was completing her enrolment form she asked me if I would be one of the listed ‘pick up persons’ for her son.

This would mean I would be contacted in instances where they couldn’t reach her, to pick him up or if anything was wrong. I politely refused and said ‘I would prefer not to be listed as a pickup person’.

She didn’t respond to this text and I have barely heard from her since.

Given this, I decided to ask her if I had upset her to which she responded she was ‘taken aback that I had refused as she hadn’t had a friend refuse her that kind of support before’.

So please, AITJ for refusing to agree to be listed to pick her child up from daycare?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She can ask and you can refuse, it’s not your kid and if you are not sure that your relationship will go on then why tie it with some legal bond? Maybe she just wanted to use you as a backup free babysitter since she chose specifically the same daycare as yours and also placed her kid into the same class as yours so they always would be together thus allowing you to take both kids whenever she felt the need for it.

Anyway, you must be really close to be asked something like that by a stranger and you are clearly not that close.” forgeris

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If you allowed this, you’d be taking this kid every time she would run late. And I’ll bet that would be A LOT.

I think it was a huge ask from her and I would have also said no. Your level of friendship doesn’t support this, you said you’d distanced yourself already, red flags, blah blah blah. You answered her perfectly, and I think it would have been better to have left it at that instead of asking her how she felt about it.” Spare-Article-396

“I and my best friend (Jen) have known each other for 20 years. She had my goddaughter (Sara) in high school. She is now pregnant again and engaged to Tim.

My partner (Alan) of 2 years doesn’t like my best friend (although he has never met her).

So the story. Jen, Tim, and Sara were coming to where I live for Sara’s hockey tournament. Jen asked if they could stay with me for Thursday night but that they were staying with another friend for Friday and Saturday night.

I said yes.

I told Alan about them coming up and he was upset. Mostly cause I didn’t discuss things with him first before saying yes. Side note: I and my partner don’t live together and I own my own house.

Jen then reached out and explained that they would rather stay at my place the whole weekend because they would feel more comfortable.

I thought this was no big deal but Alan said that the whole situation made him uncomfortable, he didn’t want them staying there, and he thought it was weird. He asked me to tell them to either keep their original plans of staying with the other friend or get a hotel.

I told him it was unreasonable to tell them to pay $500 for a hotel when they had a free place to stay. I said that while I was sorry it made him uncomfortable I wasn’t going to tell them they couldn’t stay at my place.

I also told him that if it made him that uncomfortable he should come down and meet everyone and have a fun weekend. He declined.

They ended up getting back to my place by 6 pm on Friday night, I was on the phone with my partner and I asked Sara how the hockey game went.

At the same time Sara said ‘We lost’, Tim said ‘They suck’ jokingly. Alan kind of lost it because he heard Tim’s voice and questioned where everyone was standing in the house, why Tim was hanging around upstairs, and why if I was asking Sara a question was Tim answering?

It turned into a fight and I hung up.

We were all hungry so I said that I would make some supper. Alan called again and questioned what was going on and I told him I would be making supper. He again explained how uncomfortable all this made him and he couldn’t believe I was about to make supper for Tim and then sit down to eat with him.

He gave me an ultimatum and said that if I cooked dinner our relationship would be over, I said ‘Ok’ because I thought it was ridiculous, and he hung up with ‘I hope Tim was worth you losing this relationship over’. (for your information, I took the ultimatum for what it was – a blessing, and have blocked him on everything and went full no contact and will remain that way)

Sunday comes and everyone leaves and then Alan calls explaining that he was sorry and he shouldn’t have freaked out like he did. He still says that after talking with multiple people including a professional (his family and his therapist) they agreed he was right and that because something made him that uncomfortable I should have told Sara about the situation and got her to find other accommodations.

So AITJ for not respecting my partner’s boundaries when something made him uncomfortable?”

Another User Comments:

“It makes me sad that you’re even considering that you’re in the wrong here. Just because something makes him uncomfortable, doesn’t mean you’re in the wrong. What is so uncomfortable about you having your friends, who are a family, come stay in your house when he doesn’t even live with you?

He could use this ‘I’m uncomfortable’ excuse for anything. Next thing you know it will be ‘It makes me uncomfortable that you go for dinner with your friends’ ‘It makes me uncomfortable you leave the house’ ‘It makes me uncomfortable you talk to your family’.

You do not need to respect the boundaries of an irrational person.” Fun-Wallaby6872

Another User Comments:

“I am sorry but, in what world would any professional actually agree that he was right? The level of jealousy and craziness in this whole story is totally making your partner give off potential serial killer vibes in my opinion.

I would also question what story he’s spinning to his family and therapist about your relationship and how he’s painting you when he talks to them about everything. There are so many red flags here and the potential of him being completely off his rocker, I would run now before he ups his level of obsession and it becomes too late.

You are NTJ, he is, a deluded, controlling, jealous jerk. You don’t need to put up with his nonsense. End it and find yourself a man that actually respects you and supports your autonomy.” CandidateSpiritual69

“I (18 F) am currently a freshman in college. I moved into my dorm in August of last semester, and I got along quite well with my roommate (18 F).

However, upon leaving for winter break, she told me she would be transferring to a new school the following semester (this semester). I was saddened to hear this, as the last thing I wanted to do was start over with a brand new roommate.

Two weeks ago, I arrived back on campus and went to my dorm to unpack.

My new roommate (19 F) had already arrived, and she was lying on my bed. Our dorm is about the size of a standard bedroom, with two beds side by side and two small desks at the foot of each bed. It’s a pretty small space for two people.

Anyway, I was confused as to why she was lying on my bed, as the other bed was completely empty and my bed still had my comforter and pillows on it. I informed her that this bed was mine, and asked if she wanted any help moving her things to the other side of the room.

She then informed me that she wanted my bed because it was closer to the only window in the room. The reason was that she was from a rural area and wanted to feel more connected to nature. I told her that would be difficult, as all my belongings were already on my side of the room.

She begrudgingly went to the other bed, so already not off to a great start.

After a couple of days of living with her, she would basically ignore me 24/7. My attempts to get to know her were fruitless. All of this culminated in a big fight around three days ago.

I came back from class, ready to finish my homework and take a nap.

To my horror, she had switched our beds. All of my belongings were strewn to the other side of the room. I was livid. I asked her why she would do such a thing without even talking to me first. She simply pretended she couldn’t hear me.

I went over to check on my stuff, and my framed picture of my deceased grandmother, and I was SHATTERED. So, I started yelling at her.

Finally, she gave in and yelled back at me, saying that I didn’t understand how hard college was for her since this was her first semester.

She detailed that the window reminded her of her home in that she used to sit by her window at night to listen to the sounds of nature. I said I didn’t care, that she couldn’t mess with my stuff, and that I was going to go to the RA about it.

That thought seemed to scare her because she begged me not to bring it up to anyone else. She explained how she had very strict parents and therefore couldn’t risk getting into trouble. I went to the RA anyway, and the matter was taken very seriously.

This resulted in the two of us going to a meeting with the housing department. I explained to them my side of the story and showed them photographs of my damaged belongings. She basically had no defense, so they charged her for my damaged belongings and forced her to move to a different dorm.

She cried. I have since heard from our RA that she has withdrawn from the university. So, AITJ for bringing it to the RA?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She had no right to waltz in halfway through the semester and start claiming which side of the room was hers.

And she certainly had no right to move and damage your belongings in the attempt to get her own way. She behaved badly, and there were consequences. Welcome to real life, ex-roomie! If all of this caused her to withdraw from school, that’s on her, and it sounds like she maybe wasn’t mature or mentally stable enough to be there.” Ajstross

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You have no clue what all that young woman was dealing with. She could have been a spoiled brat. But she also may have been someone with serious problems that were exacerbated by her move from home. Going to college or graduate school can be stressful.

Add to that a young inexperienced person leaving home and their primary support network. Add to that mental, physical, or emotional issues, and sometimes the person buckles. I work at a large university and have seen several students not make it through the first week.

You did nothing wrong by telling the truth. Be sure to take care of yourself during your studies.” Slow-Show-3884

“I have three kids: Annie (25 F), Ben (23 M), and Cal (17 M). When Annie was going to college, she got an offer from her dream college.

Unfortunately, they didn’t offer enough financial aid that meant it was viable for her to attend, so she settled for her backup, still an Ivy League, but she was upset for some time about not being able to attend her dream college.

At the time, me and my husband couldn’t support her at the dream school as we had crazy overhead costs. We did contribute what we could but asked Annie to work part-time.

Even after the financial aid, Annie worked a job to go towards her rent and this has meant her studies suffered. She had to defer some of her classes to sit them in the summer.

She has now since graduated and landed a good job.

Ben wasn’t fussed about where he got into and he did well at high school and got a full-ride scholarship, so we didn’t pay for his tuition. Occasionally I sent him money to spend on himself.

Cal is my youngest and as it’s been a few years since Annie went to college, me and my husband are in a better financial position to support where he wants to go. Cal got many offers and picked his first choice. He was eligible for some financial aid, but the majority will be out of pocket.

As we didn’t contribute to Ben’s tuition, we are able to send Cal to a more prestigious school.

When Cal announced this news at a family dinner, Annie got upset that Cal got to go to his dream school and accused us of favorites.

I tried explaining the situation was different, we can afford it now, as we didn’t pay for Ben so can use it on Cal. We set aside equal 1/3rds for the kids, but as our kids have grown, our savings for the youngest two have increased. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Honestly while I am of the opinion that kids aren’t entitled to their parents paying for their college education, I do think YTJ for using the ‘Well, we’re better off now. We just didn’t have the means for you, A, get over the past’ to deflect that there is an unfair discrepancy in how you’re treating your kid’s feelings about the situation.

If A had to work regardless of which school she ended up attending on top of now handling loans she had to take out bc you guys couldn’t help, I’d agree that setting up C for a free ride to be his first choice before considering helping her with her overhead costs as well now that you have the means to support all of your kids comes off as playing favorites.

If A was expected to get a job and had to compromise on which school so it was viable for you, the fair thing would be to have C work and contribute to his education too.” Adventurous_Gur6998

Another User Comments:

“YTJ, despite being generous to your children.

Your generosity isn’t balanced Annie had a very different university experience to Ben, and the discrepancy will be even greater when compared to Cal’s experience. She had to work, and take extra classes – but Ben was sent money occasionally. Cal gets his top choice, will not need to work, and presumably gets spending money too.

You have more money now – so how about asking Annie and the boys how to make things fair? Does she have loans or debts? Just a hint.” Ozludo

“Since I was little, my parents would take my sister (19 f) and me (21 f) to NYC for an annual trip the week before the school year started back up. As we’ve aged, the tradition has stuck but shifted into more of my sister and me hanging out and my parents having their romantic time and we’ll do a few family activities.

We have our room, they have theirs, and we have an almost standing reservation at a cute little place on the LES. This year, at the last minute, my sister asked if she could bring her significant other along and my parents agreed.

I don’t necessarily dislike him, but I absolutely would rather stay in the comfort of my own home for free than spend money on a third wheel, especially in a hotel room (when they are together, she is laser-focused 100% star-eyed lovey-dovey on him, lol).

I also wouldn’t want to be showering and sharing a space with a guy. I could book my own accommodations, but the price is significantly higher now because we’re set to leave this weekend and it’s so last minute. None of my friends can come on short notice either.

I decided that rather than go and not enjoy myself to the fullest, I’d just pull my money out and let him take over what would’ve been my portion. Maybe have a mini staycation since I already have time off.

My sister is now upset with me as she just figured she’d shoehorn him into our room and he wouldn’t have to pay a portion and now he may drop out as well because he didn’t expect to pay for things.

My mom thinks I’m being petty as I have my reservations about him (not the convo at hand but he has had an affair, but she believes he’s changed so I stay out of their business) but I genuinely just don’t want to intrude on anyone’s time or look like a loser doing everything by myself with no one to talk to.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It is completely understandable that you would not want to spend money and be the third wheel on a family trip where your sister is bringing her SO, especially if you have concerns about him and the discomfort of sharing a hotel room.

It is reasonable to instead have a mini staycation where you can enjoy yourself more fully.

Your sister’s last-minute decision to bring her SO and the dynamic shift it causes would leave you feeling uncomfortable and like an outsider. It’s always important to prioritize your own happiness and comfort, rather than feeling obligated to go along with a situation that does not align with what you want.

However, you might want to talk to your family and express that it is not intended as a personal attack on your sister or her SO; it’s just that you want to enjoy your vacation, not pay for someone else’s.” Marigold1245

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

You and your dissertation were each paying half of a room and she thought she could bring SO on your dime? God no! I expected she would ask your parents if he could come because they were paying. She needed to ask you too, especially since she expected him to get a free ride!

She’s busy being mad at you so won’t likely notice that he was coming because he thought it would be free. Your mom is unreasonable; nobody wants to be a 3rd wheel in the room they’re paying for. Plan on getting your own room next year so you can bring your SO or friend.

” Emotional_Bonus_934

“I (24) was born intersex however, we weren’t aware of it until I was a teenager, and hormones and the like happened. I changed my name and started by using neutral pronouns and terms for myself.

I legally changed my name and my ID info once I was an adult. Some immediately respected it, and others took time, but eventually, everyone got there. Everyone but my mom.

I was the ‘daughter’ my mom prayed for, the one named after my grandparents (an issue in itself), and her ‘baby.’ She still refers to me by my old name and calls me her daughter when introducing me.

Many of her friends had only known me through her. I finally got to meet some of them in person at a potluck and, of course, used my legal name when introducing myself but otherwise didn’t say anything.

Eventually, my little cousin asked why they kept calling me a girl when I wasn’t one.

They asked what she meant, and my sister spoke up and told them I wasn’t a girl and that the name they used wasn’t my legal name anymore. After some more questions, she told them about me being born intersex and that I’d never been a girl.

Some of them came over to ask me, and I confirmed it. One of them asked if my mom just had special permission from me to refer to me differently. I told them she didn’t, and I’ve made her aware for years that it makes me uncomfortable.

She used to have permission to call me by my birth name as long as she referred to me correctly, but she never used them and was rude, so she lost that privilege, though it never stopped her.

They asked me why she still calls me it if it’s not correct and it made me uncomfortable, so I told them the truth.

She chose to call me a liar and not believe the doctors because it would mean I wasn’t the daughter she wanted and prayed for. They asked me why she called me a liar, and I explained that I had questioned my gender growing up because I never felt like a girl, but my mom always told me she would only ever believe in biology and not refer to me as anything other than what I was biologically born as.

When doctors told her, without a doubt, that I was not born male or female and what was on my birth certificate was inaccurate, she said I was somehow making this all up and getting the doctors to ‘believe my lies,’ despite the fact that they never knew I questioned my gender and that they determined it off a physical exam.

She demanded to ‘see for herself’ despite me being a teenager and told me not allowing her to ‘inspect’ was ‘proof of my lies.’

Since then her friends are mostly upset with her, though a few are defending her. Mom is mad at me for telling her friends, even though they’re the ones who asked. Plus, I have always told her that I would not lie if someone ever asked me any questions.

Mom and some others think I’m a jerk for this.

So, AITJ for telling my mom’s friends the truth about why she refers to me differently than everyone else?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I’m a little bit impressed at least some of your mom’s friends are upset with her and see her behavior as the gaslighting, abusive nature it is.

Your mom’s disappointment in not having a daughter needs therapy – not continuously denying not only your lived existence and preferences but ACTUAL BIOLOGY. The fact she won’t even believe doctors/physical evidence puts her in looney-tunes territory. I don’t think anyone would blame you if you went low contact or no contact with your mom, or made contact with her conditional on her acknowledging your preferred pronouns, name, and actual identity.” Independent-Length54

Another User Comments:

“Nope! You’re definitely NTJ. Your mom sure is, though. Some people just REFUSE to believe that intersex people exist. Science doesn’t even really know exactly how many people ARE intersex because it’s not always recorded correctly at birth if it even is noticed. And then there are the turbo-screwed ‘corrective surgeries’ carried out on intersex babies where they just basically take a stab at picking a gender for the baby and assume it’ll be fine when puberty hits.  We do know that there are at least a few more intersex people in the world than there are natural redheads and more than people with green eyes (which is a fun factoid to throw in the face of disbelieving bigots when they claim intersex people aren’t real).

But it’s possible that there could be closer to 10% of people with at least some intersex traits. Science doesn’t know for sure.

We’d have a better idea, though, if people understood it exists more and if hospitals stopped making such life-altering decisions on noticeably intersex babies.

Not that that would immediately fix crap like your mom is pulling, of course. But it would help the general population to understand that intersex is just another form that humans can be. It’s neither something bad nor shameful. It’s normal. You’re normal as you are and I hope someday your mom pulls her head out of her butt about this.

” Haedia

“I (22 F) was born with a disability. I’m mobile but have spasms and a speech impediment. I’ve always been treated like a child by my family, which I didn’t really notice until I returned from an exchange program abroad and they went back to babying me.

My extended family would even say things like, ‘I bet you missed Mommy and Daddy!’ but nobody would ever ask me how it was or if I liked it. It bothered me and I started considering going abroad again once I graduated college.

I got in touch with this lovely couple abroad via a volunteer platform who needed someone to help around their property.

My family was NOT happy about it. We had multiple arguments about how I’d be betraying them and how going abroad would be ‘unwise’ for ‘a person like me’, but I ultimately decided to go ahead with my plans. The experience has been incredible; I work outdoors, cook with the couple, meet diverse people, and even went on my first-ever night out with a man not so long ago (!).

However, when my mom called the other day as she does every other day, I told her everything she wouldn’t ask me about: that I’m so happy, I feel settled and healthy and I’m having fun. She was quiet for a while and then asked me what I was trying to say.

I asked her what she meant and she said, ‘You never said that you were happy when you were home with us’, and I honestly told her that that was because I wasn’t.

She called me harsh and cruel and abruptly ended the call.

Later that day my dad called, saying I hurt my mom and him by implying I’m happier without them. I do understand that my being happy without them can be a tricky statement, but that’s not what I meant at all. I’m conflicted about apologizing as I don’t feel I’m in the wrong, but my mom refuses to talk to me.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“It sounds like your mom’s entire identity is wrapped up in raising you. The fact that she is upset that you are happy and you mentioned that you weren’t when you were living with her means she feels like she failed you.

That’s a hard blow when her identity is dependent on you. I wouldn’t apologize for being happy or even ‘accidentally’ implying you’re happy without her ’cause from what you said here you didn’t say that. However, when you speak next you should definitely make it clear that you are happy because of her, not in spite.

I realize that she probably did baby you, but you learned enough skills from her to go out and succeed on your own. She had a hand in that. Thank her for setting you up to be a strong individual, and let her know she should be proud of how you turned out and the adventures you are on.

It can be hard navigating this relationship with her but it’s one born out of love, immense love for you. Maybe she didn’t go the best route but she did enough to help create a kind and loving person.” rebecccajoy

Another User Comments:

“Your parents have allowed their concern for your physical well-being to overcome their understanding of your intellectual well-being.

Your parents should be pleased and proud that you are spreading your wings and making yourself a life that you enjoy and that enriches you. That is unfortunate. You can say ‘I know you wanted the best for me, but you infantilized me and kept me wrapped up in cotton wool.

Now I am being myself on my own and becoming who I want to be. I am sorry that your feelings are hurt, but I hope you can be happy for me being happy.’ NTJ” Quick-Possession-245

“I (21 f) was flying with my 3 siblings – Jacob (10 m), Sarah (19 f), and Lucy (6 f). My dad decided to surprise our stepmom with first-class seats for just the two of them on our flight back from our grandma’s house.

So that left me and my step/half siblings alone in the regular seats. Our cousin attends the same college as me in my home state but lives in the same state as our grandma. She pretty last minute decided to fly out later (she wanted to stay home with our grandma for NYE) which left an empty seat on the flight.

So prior to the flight, my sister Lucy got sick. I think it is the flu but idk. Anyway, I loaded my carry-on with trash bags, Clorox wipes, and car trees in case she got sick on the plane. she was sitting next to me.

and in the row directly next to us my step-sister Sarah, half-brother Jacob, and cousin (who didn’t show up) were supposed/sat.

All was fine and dandy Lucy made it all the way to boarding before she started feeling sick again. I prepared for a flight of me apologizing and trying to clean.

We board and a lady is sitting in the aisle seat in our row. I kindly asked her if she could move to the window seat because Lucy wasn’t feeling well and I wanted her to have easy bathroom access. She argued with me about getting there first before finally moving to the window seat.

Once the flight was boarded and the doors shut they told us we had a small delay. I looked across the aisle and saw my siblings had an open seat (they didn’t put a standby person in my cousin’s seat which I assumed would happen).

So I turned to the lady sitting next to me in the window and asked her if she wanted to move to that seat.

That way she could have her aisle seat back and she wouldn’t have to sit with a sick child. The lady then began to yell at me about how rude I was.

and how she wasn’t moving from the seat she paid for.

Eventually, the flight attendant came over and asked what was going on. I explained the situation and the attendant told me I couldn’t ask anyone to move and left. The lady called me a jerk and entitled.

I later told my stepmom and my dad about it and they agreed I was being rude, a jerk, and annoying that poor woman. My mom (agreed with me) I was trying to be polite and offer the woman her original seat choice back. But my stepmom thinks I embarrassed her and my dad.

They don’t want to fly with me anymore because of this.

Was I being a jerk in this situation? I was really genuinely trying to be nice. Now I feel bad.”

Another User Comments:

“You are NTJ, should have swapped with your siblings, then they would have been in the row with the lady and you would have the row for you two.

But the biggest jerks ever are your father and stepmom. Flying with a sick child, then going to first class and leaving for someone else to care for that sick child, and then yelling at that person for embarrassing them? She can the next time take care of her own child and give you her first-class seat or is it like an evil stepmom thing?

Then she is a jerk still but your dad just takes the first place alone.” Medium_Variety_8874

Another User Comments:

“You are not a jerk and neither is the woman. You asked for a convenient swap for everyone, having the sick easy access to the bathroom.

And then, thinking that the woman would still want the aisle, informed her about the free seat. The woman is not a jerk for being annoyed about being asked to swap seats. That is always a nuisance. And being asked to swap a second time, it is understandable that it triggered her, flying is stressful and can get on people’s nerves easily.

Your parents, on the other hand, left you with a sick child and no help, that’s kinda of a jerk move.” MaxTwer00

“My brother (40) and his wife (43) have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years. They’ve done multiple extremely expensive IVF rounds after the ones covered by insurance didn’t pan out.

Over the years, I’ve of course been there for them, told them how sorry I was every time it didn’t work, wished them luck, sent cards, and brought over flowers; everything to try and be a supportive family member.

With Christmas, my brother (he wasn’t wasted but he had definitely had some drink) asked me in private if I thought it was a good idea they were even trying to have kids if they should give up, stop trying to find alternatives, or wasting money, etc. He was really down in the dumps.

I know my brother wants to be a father more than anything. I told him I loved him and I was sorry that it wasn’t working out, but that that was a decision only they could make, and that I understood they were using all their resources to try for kids if this is what they desperately wanted.

He kept pushing though and told me that was a generic answer you’re ‘supposed’ to give and what my personal opinion was. When I reiterated that my opinion didn’t matter and only they could decide on this, he kept pushing, so eventually I said roughly the following (in what I hope was an appropriately sympathetic and loving tone): ‘I know you really want kids and have always wanted them.

You’re sad and emotionally struggling with the fact that that isn’t going as planned. I don’t think the honest answer you’re pushing for is going to be helpful to you or help you process what you’re going through. I love you very much but I think there’s a specific answer you want that I can’t give you.’

I just really didn’t want to contribute further to any pain and emotional struggles he might be going through and didn’t know what to say.

Privately, I don’t think my brother and SIL should be having kids at all, especially not genetically via natural birth the way they’ve been trying, and they refuse to consider adoption.

I also don’t think it’s my business to say that to my brother’s face when I know he desperately wants kids and his timeline/plan for them was already pushed back by almost 10 years. He’s hurting and there’s no reason for me to add to that.

If I thought that saying any (part) of that opinion, in an appropriate tone with the correct words and as nicely as possible, would help my brother process this complicated emotional rollercoaster, I’d talk to him about it. But I know from experience when he pushes for my ‘true opinion’ he usually doesn’t actually want that, and that even if he did, under these circumstances (he’s had some drink, it was Christmas, we were privately talking for a bit upstairs but had to go back downstairs to the whole family shebang at some point) it wasn’t the correct thing to do.

He’s been very unhappy with me and barely talking to me. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He didn’t want honesty, he wanted confirmation. He put you in a no-win situation and set you up to be the bad guy no matter what you said.

You have been supportive all this time and kept your opinion to yourself because you love him.

For what it’s worth, I agree with you; people who want children but won’t consider anything other than genetic shouldn’t have them at all because they’re too selfish to love and care for them as they should.

There’s a difference between wanting to be a parent and wanting children.” Helpful_Hour1984

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Sounds like you handled this as well as anyone possibly could have. You correctly said only he/his wife can make the call. You were also very empathic in your response (& by the sound of it have been supportive of your brother all the way through this sad journey.) He’s lucky to have that support & you, even though he can’t see past what he’s going through at the moment.

Most importantly you stayed calm & kind even when your brother tried to push you into an argument. Booze can exaggerate whatever we’re feeling even when not wasted. Hopefully, in time he’ll appreciate you were being as kind as anyone could be.” Apart-Ad-6518

“My wife and I were scheduled to leave town on Friday for a 6-day visit with family out of state. We asked our family friend, Jenna (15 f), to help out with our dog and two cats while we were away.

We love Jenna. She has babysat our kids for us and taken care of our cats while out of town before. This was to be a bigger job however, because we adopted a dog last year and now in addition to checking on our cats, she would need to walk the dog a couple times a day and ostensibly give her some loving attention.

Jenna asked for $150 for the week, which we happily agreed to – compared to a professional service, I acknowledge this is a total steal. Also, I like paying kids in the neighborhood versus hiring out to a company, just feels better in my opinion.

Here’s the issue: our youngest daughter, just tonight (Wednesday), claimed to be feeling ill, and when we checked her out she had a temperature of 102(!).

Our vacation plan was to visit my wife’s family, which includes a whole clan of adults and their young kids, so bringing our sick kid would basically be a total jerk move. As of right now, we have put the vacation on hold until we see how this illness shakes out.

Regardless, we have to tell Jenna that we don’t need a pet sitter anymore. I feel bad canceling on her so I told my wife that we should still kick her $25 (the equivalent of one day’s work) for the burden of our cancellation, as a way to let her know that we take her work seriously and value her time.

My wife thinks that we should give Jenna $75, half her proposed pay because Jenna likely has already made plans for the cash, and losing so much would be hard for a kid.

While I acknowledge that it sucks to lose a job because of forces outside of your control, my take is that we are canceling within a reasonable amount of time for a valid reason, and 1-day worth of pay is a reasonable compensation.

I might be showing my butt here a little bit but oh well – when I was a young person, if I took a babysitting job or whatnot and it fell through, I could expect absolutely nothing from the canceling party. Getting anything as a means of saying sorry for your time would have blown my mind.

That said! That was then and this is now. So I’m asking you to tell me, is $25 for not doing a $150 job fair? Or should buck up and pitch Jenna $75 for her trouble?

I’m not really invested in this emotionally, my wife and I just disagreed and thought that the internet would be an objective third party.

Also, if you guys are going to come at me for only paying $150 for the pet sitting (a price that fully recognize is very very good), all I really have to say is that that was her price, she knows what pet sitters cost, and she is just kinda a cool kid who likes our animals.

We’re friends with her mom, who is a veterinarian, and odd jobs like this are a way for her to earn spending cash.

All right, I think that’s it. You guys can let me know – Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“You have a good relationship with this girl who provides a very cheap and friendly service.

It’s Christmas. Your wife wants to pay half. You kinda don’t care (not emotionally involved). You haven’t suggested giving away $75 hurts in any way. There is definitely more of a culture of cancellation fees these days. I’m not picking up why you need to object to your wife’s idea?

It’s normal to give regular service providers a little something at this time of year. I wouldn’t stand on principle if I were you. This is a kid who is never gonna know what she wasn’t offered, so whatever, but I’m not picking up a reason not to roll with your wife’s more generous instinct.” DonaldTellMeWhy

Another User Comments:

“No one is really the jerk. However, You’ve said how much you like her and how helpful she is/could be in the future, paying half isn’t going to affect you majorly from what you’ve said and keeps her and you in good books for the future, she’s a child so has probably already spent that money in her head so would be a big disappointment to lose it, especially considering it was such a good offer for you in the first place.

Personally, I’d go with the half, keep everyone happy as getting 25 instead of 150, and who knows what other plans or potential offers she may or may not have turned down to be available for it in the first place is a big difference, 75 for nothing is much easier to swallow and keeps you in good terms going forward when you need it again.” Silent_Eggplant_380

“I’m 25, and so is my husband. We’ve been together for 10 years. We have 2 little boys, 2 and 3. I actually really want 4 or 5 one day.

Anyway, this part is kind of embarrassing but I’m in marriage counseling right now. I always thought that was for 50-60 year olds who are old and grumpy but here I am.

My husband told me he doesn’t think the marriage is going to work because we argue every single day.

I love him more than anything in this entire world, and I would do anything to keep him so I begged him to try to make it work and we started going to marriage counseling.

Things have gotten a little better, sometimes when we fight he says ‘Remember it’s us vs the problem’ like the therapist said and it fixes it but we still have our arguments.

But there is hope.

Even though there is hope that doesn’t mean I’m absolutely scared every day that I’m gonna wake up and my husband’s gonna be gone and all I’ll have left is a note. I’m really scared right now.

So things have been a little different in our house, I’ve started to become way more submissive and our therapist said if that’s a dynamic we can both agree with then it’s worth a try. So I try to just do whatever he wants right now.

My friend was over about a month ago, and my husband and I were doing a little better so I guess she took that as a sign to make jokes. So first we were going to make chicken but then my husband texted me saying he wanted grilled cheese so I pulled the chicken out and threw it away and I said I was really sorry but my husband wants grilled cheese so that’s what we’re going to have instead, I even offered to make her the roasted chicken and she can bring it home and she said ok and she took it home.

So my husband came home and I turned on the basketball game and a commercial for a divorce attorney came on and she said ‘Hold on, you might need this guy soon’ and a ton of emotions went through my head and I just broke down and cried then I said ‘Screw you!

I hate you!’ And kept crying and then she got super mad and I told her to get out of my house and never come back, and she took the chicken and left.

I know I know I just couldn’t help it I’m still very scared a month later and that sent me over the edge.

I’ve tried to call her to apologize and she always says ‘Oh. I thought you hated me?’ And hangs up.

I know I said something that was very mean that I didn’t mean but am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here, her more than you.

It’s not appropriate to make jokes about someone else’s marital problems. Your anger is justified but your reaction was very childish, like you were throwing a temper tantrum. However, she should not still be holding that against you a month later as she was the one in the wrong to start with.

And your husband sucks because he’s okay with leaving you on the brink of a breakdown day in and day out just so he gets a good little submissive wife out of it.” Capresesandwitch

Another User Comments:

“This is ridiculous, are you 25 or 15? Marriage counseling isn’t going to help you when the biggest thing you need is personal counseling.

You need to really investigate where this insecurity and paranoia of yours comes from, whether your husband or someone else in your life is actively feeding into it or whether it’s a mostly internalized process and you need to examine whether or not this whole ‘submissive’ thing is contributing to it.

Marriage is a give and a take, and if you’re making yourself miserable to try and preserve it then the balance is off and it isn’t going to work. You and your husband got together long before either of your brains had finished developing. The chances that the two of you would last a lifetime were already near zero.

Learn to let go, learn to let something other than fear lead your life and either it’ll work out or you’ll go your separate ways but either way, you’ll be better off than you are right here.

You’re being a slight jerk to your friend but I’m going to go with ‘no jerks here’ conditionally on you working out what exactly your problems are and finding a working solution to them.

If not then you would be the jerk.” mommysanalservant

“I (26 F) just got a call from my mom with a request to change our Xmas plans from a location 2.5 hours away from all of us to their house: which is potentially more than 6 hours away for me and my husband with holiday traffic.

This request is to accommodate my younger brother (24 M) who has been dealing with chronic back pain for over a year and does not think he can do the drive.

Probably important context: my husband (29 M) and I both think that my younger brother is coddled by my parents and feel a bit frustrated because part of his prolonged back issues seems to be tied to him not doing his PT/making the required lifestyle changes.

Regardless, we have made 8+ hour drives home for Christmas before, so the change is annoying but reasonable. Plus: we like my family and wanted to spend the holidays together.

The issue is that we now have an 11-month-old puppy who does not do well in the car.

If he’s not let out every hour, he throws up and is just clearly miserable the whole time. We have anti-anxiety medication specifically prescribed to help him in the car, but my husband is still uncomfortable about putting him through such misery for 6+ hours.

When we first chatted about it, my stance was ‘Yes, it sucks but we can’t just not see family just because our pup doesn’t like the car. We’ll stop a lot on the way and give him his medicine.’ My husband said ok, but he was clearly not 100% on board, so I suggested we talk more later.

Now I’m reflecting and thinking he may be right – and a 6+ hour trip is too much for our new dog, and maybe I’m being too accommodating to my family. And no one is available to watch him over the holidays on such short notice, so that’s not an option.

I have to tell my folks something soon because the plan was to leave on Thursday – so WIBTJ if I refused their request and effectively ‘canceled Christmas’?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. We, as adult children, are within our rights to attend or not attend any family gathering that arises.

That absolutely includes holidays. One must be aware that, while not attending is always a viable choice, family members may disagree and react strongly. Either way, you’re an adult, do what you want.

Personally, I’d choose the dog’s company myself. But, this year, I’m refusing to dial into any family drama at all.

Not participating in crazy this holiday season for me!” StacyB125

Another User Comments:

“You had a completely reasonable solution planned, complete with vet oversight in the form of medication. Frankly, it’s dumb to ruin Christmas because of it. I wouldn’t call it jerk behavior but it honestly sounds like you’re searching for an excuse to be petty about the venue change and your brother’s so-called ‘coddling’.

Honestly, that’s not even relevant to the dog dilemma but you brought it up apparently just to say something nasty about your brother, which I think is revealing. YTJ.” Xerceo

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You’ve got basically three options here: 1) Apologize that you won’t be able to go but with the puppy and the last-minute change you weren’t expecting to travel so far, it’ll have to be next year 2) Your husband stays home with the puppy while everyone else goes or 3) Someone you know and trust comes by to be with the puppy while you’re away.

I think your family should be understanding that it’s not very doable under the circumstances if you’re all to attend.” Over-green36

“A high school friend (36 m) of mine (36 agender) lost his home due to flooding a year ago and ended up living homeless.

As it was getting colder, he asked if he could come up (from 3 hours away) to where I live and stay with me.

At first, it was just going to be a week or so, then it kind of turned into about a month. It started out okay because he helped around the house (I’m disabled and was hospitalized during the time so he helped with cleaning, cooking, pet care while I was in the hospital, etc.) but he started to take advantage of things.

He never seemed to be able to pee IN the toilet, no matter how many times I asked, and wouldn’t wipe up urine splashes, he would leave food out to rot, he actually just plain peed in a container and kept the urine in his room until it stank and I came across it and had to clean it up, he kept eating all my food even after I designated shelves for him in the fridge and pantry and even bought separate food for him.

He also took my food stamp card and bought ~$200 worth of food using my funds without permission.

During that time, I also probably gave him $500 for bus tickets, food, various necessities, etc. as well as loaning him $1100 for a guitar he ‘needed’ so he could go busking – which he never did the whole time he was here.

He finally left last Wednesday and I thought that I could start cleaning (any suggestions for cleaning urine off of the floor/walls/toilet?!) when my bank statement came and I found out that when he went to pick up a prescription for me when I was super sick, he also went and spent $700 on my debit card!

Most of it was on one of those Visa gift cards, so it can’t be returned and neither can anything on that purchase. The rest was stuff like a computer mouse, energy drinks, a cell phone battery pack, etc. He absolutely did NOT have permission to spend ANY of this and it feels like a complete slap in the face that he would do that in addition to everything I’ve given him already.

If I file criminal charges, it would be a felony because it was a debit card (and I’m a protected class since I’m disabled). He’s homeless and jobless and I know that a felony would make it hard for him to find a job and probably housing (as he’s trying to get housing assistance).

While I’m very angry right now, I don’t know if I want to ruin his whole life over what was hopefully a stupid mistake. But it also feels like he just took more and more advantage of me over the past month and this feels like the last straw – especially because he bought a gift card and not ‘needed’ supplies.

Would I be the jerk if I filed criminal charges, even if it would significantly affect his life and future?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – I don’t care if he’s jobless and homeless, he shouldn’t have chosen to steal $900 from a friend who gave him somewhere to live for a little while.

You voluntarily gave him $1600 already, and I assume if you’re a disabled person living in the US, you already have a huge stipulation on how much funds you’re allowed to have at once, just to continue to receive disability benefits, so $1600 is a BIG DEAL, especially within a single month.

Regardless of what caused him to become homeless, he’s still a liar and a thief, and he doesn’t even have the respect to clean up after himself in another person’s home. It even brings to question as to whether he’s even telling you the truth about his house getting flooded (it can happen, but this guy has established himself as extremely untrustworthy).

Don’t let him get away with taking advantage of you. He deserves his felony.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I think it’s really down to a question of whether or not YOU would regret reporting him. It’s not even about him anymore. If you think you’ll feel terrible for a long time about reporting him, you shouldn’t.

If you think you can reconcile it to your conscience, then you should. I wouldn’t blame you if you did. He took advantage of your kindness and stole from you. $700 is a lot of funds these days. And anything that happens to him if you report him is a direct consequence of his actions, not yours.

But you shouldn’t have to feel guilty or ashamed that you reported him. It’s kind of a lose/lose situation. It’s unfortunate, but it’s not your fault.” fckinsleepless

“I (28 M) brought my partner (24 F) to meet my family in Colorado for the holidays. We’re staying in a big Airbnb and everything has been pretty good minus a few conflicts with my stepmother.

She’s been in my life since I was little, and I love her like I love my dad and mom.

She does have a few quirks though, like running her mouth when she shouldn’t and making things weird. This trip there was a weird rise in those incidents.

When she first met my partner she made a comment about her outfit being attention grabby, it was a long sleeve floor-length dress and all I could say was that it was form-fitting.

I didn’t know what she was on about. Then my partner was being asked questions by my siblings and dad and my stepmom jumped in and said ‘Okay, let’s let someone else talk.’ My partner got quiet and withdrew a bit.

Then last night we all wanted to get in the hot tub, my partner was wearing a one-piece swimsuit and had been next to me the whole time.

My stepmom kept literally glaring at her until she got out and went back inside. I was gonna say something but then my stepmom just says ‘What’s her problem, she’s got her whole butt out in front of your father.’ My dad looked mortified and I was just grossed out.

I told her she had made my partner uncomfortable the whole time and that my partner having a body that makes her (my stepmom) feel insecure isn’t my partner’s problem and she needs to get over herself.

Since then my stepmom has been sulking around the house and pouting.

She didn’t want to join us for breakfast and has been pretty quiet. My dad says he understands I was upset and why but that I didn’t need to call my stepmom insecure. My siblings are torn because they don’t want things to be awkward but also noticed the behavior.

They think I should’ve maybe left it for after the trip and calling her insecure was a low blow.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. First of all, good for you for standing up for your partner. Second, your partner was a guest at your family’s gathering.

Your stepmother, insecurities or not, should have been a more gracious host and acted to make her feel welcome, not lash out at her for no reason. She is, after all, supposedly an adult. Considering how immature she was acting, it’s probably best that your stepmom didn’t join you for breakfast and was keeping her mouth shut.

As far as what you said: someone needed to say it, if only to get her to stop embarrassing your partner.” bamf1701

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Thank you for standing up for your partner and calling out the weird behavior at the moment. Not enough partners do this and it makes the other person in the relationship feel awful.

It sounds like your stepmom is jealous and insecure. You handled it in the correct way and she deserves to be put in her place. She was trying to be a jerk, she was just angry it was called out.” immajustgooglethat

“When I (27 f) met my partner, ‘Daniel’ (29), 4 years ago, we instantly connected. He asked me out and we were together for 3 years before he asked me to marry him.

We do have our ups and downs, and one of the downs is my MIL.

To give some background, MIL adopted my Daniel from her sister, because she can’t have babies. So Daniel is her only child. When Daniel first introduced me to MIL she was nice enough and I liked her.

But even then, now that I think about it, I could sense she didn’t like me.

It started with her trying to change me into someone I was not. Told me I would look better with short hair and that Daniel had a thing for women with short hair, which made me raise a brow at that because my long hair is what Daniel told me he first noticed and liked about me.

This is just one of the many examples she started doing. Every time I refused she got more unpleasant towards me. Daniel’s cousins would tell me that she was talking nasty about me behind my back and that she was saying that she hated me and I was no good for her son.

She eventually said it to my face in front of her son when we told her we were engaged. There was a big fight and me and Daniel left. He apologized to me and got upset when I told her what she had been doing to me.

It was during the time we weren’t speaking to MIL, is when I got curious about Daniel’s bio mother. I asked questions and he told me about her and that she only lived a town away. When I asked why he never introduced me to her, he said MIL and bio mother had a fallout years ago and they don’t speak anymore.

I asked would he be okay with me telling her about our engagement? He said he was fine with that. So I rang her and told her and she got excited and asked if it was okay if we could meet? By the end of our meeting, I loved her, she’s a beautiful soul.

I invited her to our wedding and she was thrilled and cried and thanked us. Daniel even started speaking to her the more she came around.

MIL found out that I had contacted bio mother. She rang him up crying asking why we invited her sister he got annoyed and told her it was our wedding and we could invite whoever we wanted. She screamed at him.

He hung up. I know he was hurting. She rang again a few days later and he went into another room and returned and put her on loudspeaker and she apologized to me for saying what she said. I just shook my head not saying anything because it just sounded fake and handed the phone back to him.

He knew I wasn’t accepting her apology and he ended the call. I asked if he was okay and said he was conflicted because she is his mother and he does love her but he feels torn between the two of us. I feel bad now for not accepting her apology.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but you’re marrying him, so you’re marrying her to an extent as well. Is this the moment you go no contact? Is this going to be a tug of war for the rest of your lives with your husband?

What she said to you was AWFUL. And yet, he’s still torn because he loves his mother. What does he want? Is he willing to forgive her, which will create a divide between the two of you?

I think you need to figure out where she fits in your life, if at all.

And where she fits in his, whether he will always have your back or he’s going to one day tell you to ‘get over it’ because he misses his mom. And because I’m a very direct person, I’d actually have coffee with the mother on my own, ask her why she felt it was ok to be so horrible, what her problem is, how she thinks this sort of behavior is going to serve her in her son’s life, etc.” Spare-Article-396

Another User Comments:

“If your mother-in-law is rude to you, repeatedly, and tells you that she hates you and that you are no good for her son… Then you’re allowed to stop trying to be friends with her. You don’t have to forgive her just because she reluctantly apologized. You’re allowed to be angry and hurt for a bit.

You’re allowed to think the apology insufficient for the harm inflicted and the remorse insufficient to provide confidence that better behavior will result from now. However, life is easier when we can have at least cordial relationships with our loved one’s loved ones. So when you can forgive her, please do revisit the matter.

NTJ, good luck” Equivalent-Board206

“I live in a mid-tier vacation destination that my parents enjoy visiting in the summer months and in the past have said they hate coming to in the winter because of the snow and cold.

My mom recently went into remission from her cancer after a long 6 months of chemo. She did not handle it gracefully and required me to come home (2400 mi round trip, no direct flights) every month for the duration of a week while she was in treatment.

Frequently, if anyone around her receives sympathy, she brings up how hard chemo is.

At one point during her treatments, I was coming for her birthday, and she told me if I did not extend my planned trip to be with her at chemo, I shouldn’t come at all.

And then goes to tell me it is horrible that I would not see her on her birthday while she has cancer. I caved and came for the extended trip.

I think you get the picture; it is all about her and she loves to guilt people into obeying her.

AITJ: Two weeks before I leave to visit my partner’s family for Christmas, my parents ask me if they can stay in our home with their dog while we (me and my partner) are gone. I was hesitant listing that our rental does not allow dogs and accepted our dog as an exception, we don’t know if people can stay in our home given that we live on the property with the landlord who has children, and that it would require a lot of cleaning and we are busy working and getting ready for our trip.

My mom responded that it was no problem! Their dog is good, they are my parents, and we don’t need to clean, they will be coming. I respond, well maybe, it depends on what the landlord says.

Their dog is not good. He is anxious, takes a dump in the house, and has freaked out and damaged things while in random places they have stayed when left alone.

I also don’t think that ‘these people are related to me’ is some legal argument in a lease. Finally, it is insulting that they say I ‘don’t have to clean for them’. I am not the cleanest person. Are they supposed to sit amongst laundry in the living room, cook in a greasy kitchen, use a dirty bathroom, sleep on smelly sheets, etc?

The next day my dad calls me and tells me that my mom has a cancer screening next month and I would feel really bad saying no to her now if she found out she has cancer in January.

AITJ or should my dad be taking her to a warm beach (her typical preference) rather than a frozen town?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It is hard that your mother is fighting cancer but it is not fair that she is using the cancer to get her way. Just say no to them staying in your home while you are gone. Tell them that the landlord said no regardless of whether they did or not.

Also, it is excessive that your mother would use her diagnosis to nail down a quarter of your time. You have a life and work to do, I presume. Stand up for yourself and cut down on the ‘mum-time’ to what you are comfortable with.

Make it known to Mum that mum-time could be even less if she keeps nagging. I imagine that all the guilt trips would give you thick skin as time goes by.” FragrantEconomist386

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, but – You need to be clear with your parents, instead of hemming and hawing.

A clear no. ‘No, you can’t stay in our place.’ Tell your landlord you told your parents no and want no guests in your home while you are away. Do so in writing. You don’t need to give your parents a reason.

You don’t need to ‘ask your landlord’. Just no. Don’t explain. Don’t justify it. The answer is no. ‘Dad, if you are going to try to guilt me, we will have to spend some time apart.’ Put him in time out when he/they try that nonsense.

Cancer sucks. Chronic illnesses suck. It does not give you the right to manipulate your children. Boo hoo, come for my birthday and extend your trip, or don’t come? Okay great thank you for understanding that I can’t undertake the expense or loss of work.

See you another time!” punnymama

“I (20 F) currently live at home with my parents and my brother (28 M). I am a second-year engineering student and my brother is a high school graduate who doesn’t work. In my family, there is a sort of golden child dynamic where my brother is the GC and I am sort of the scapegoat.

There is some backstory to my post. A few years ago my maternal grandmother was getting too old to stay and live on her own so she moved to an apartment near our house. The idea was that our family could care for her with her close by.

In reality, it was really just me going and caring for her, helping with the chores and yard work, keeping her company when I had breaks, organizing her final affairs, etc. I loved my grandma but eventually, she passed away peacefully a few months ago.

My grandma was really sad with how my family treated me and supported me while I was caring for her. She talked about how her family didn’t really care about her and how she had to fight to get where she was in life back when women weren’t really regarded as fully independent people in society.

She was the one who really encouraged my goal to go into science because she was a chemist and saw that I had an aptitude for science.

During her funeral, my brother and some of our cousins were making jokes and being really insensitive towards her.

But when the will was read out and we all learned that she had given me close to $300,000 they got really angry with me. The rest of the family didn’t get as much as me and they started asking me to cut them in via the family group chat.

My parents started pressuring me to use that funds to help them and our brother.

My grandma had also left me a letter where she told me to use those funds to get a headstart in life and that she was very thankful that I took good care of her during her last years on earth.

When I received the funds I put it all away into long-term stable investments but I kept a little bit of it to splurge on a new laptop for my studies. Since my studies require some intensive graphics, the laptop I bought was rather expensive (but not over the top).

My brother and my parents are now pressuring me to give the laptop to him because he wants to use it to game with his friends and I don’t need such an expensive or powerful toy. I am refusing to do so because it’s for my studies and it is technically my laptop.

My parents say it’s a family laptop and that she gave the funds to the family (she didn’t).

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Move out, into your own place. Today. You’re NTJ, your golden brother wants to play games on YOUR laptop and your parents take his side: move out, right away.

Invest your money in your own space to live your life, I absolutely guarantee that if you stay your parents will take your laptop and give it to your brother. Move out NOW!” Flimsy-Wolverine-663

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Tell them they aren’t cut out to be parents to two kids but yet here they are.

People do stuff they’re not good at all the time, you’re just following their lead. And if it’s a toy why give it to your brother since he’s cut out for so much more than gaming? Throw all their stuff back at them.

It won’t change how they feel. It will be a little bit cathartic though, and Grandma will appreciate it so I think it’s worth it.” VegetaSpice

“I (24 F) recently moved to the UK to live with my fiance ‘Jake’ (26 M). Everything went smoothly except one thing that we constantly butted heads in: what we will do with my bird. I love my bird, he’s my precious baby but my fiancé HATES birds to his core.

He hates EVERYTHING about them, he thinks they should not be pets and also has some bad things associated with them which I won’t go into details about.

He would not agree to let me bring my bird with me and wanted me to leave him with my parents, I did not want that but it would’ve been difficult to keep them there because of the apartment he lives in (he was worried about noise complaints because of crappy neighbors) and the fact that I would not be able to bring my other bird because she is my parents birdie and both of them are bonded.

It was possible but not easy and he did not agree to even TRY to see if it would work out so I eventually relented and did not bring my bird with me. He is at my parents’ but I told him that he did not even try to do anything for my pet and doesn’t care about him so I will not do anything for his dogs either, they will be 100% his responsibility and under no circumstances, will I do ANYTHING for them.

(unless he’s sick or something then I’ll feed and walk them but that’s all I do, the bare minimum) and only then will I agree to not bring my bird with me.

He happily agreed and it’s been a few months now and his work has picked up due to the holiday season.

He has had to do 60-80hrs/week and he is extremely tired when he gets home and then has to take care of the dogs. I work 40 hours/week and he asked me if I would be willing to walk them before he gets home so he can relax.

I said I won’t because I only said I’d help if he was sick and we have been fighting about it a lot with him calling me petty and selfish and me sticking to my guns, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for not helping with the dogs.

You were very clear in the beginning. It’s important that you stick to your guns or he will not believe or respect anything you say from now on.

As far as the bird is concerned, I don’t know where to start, but you didn’t ask for comments about that.

One thing I will say though is that I would never consider a relationship with anybody who didn’t accept my children or animals 100% and I would never abandon my animal for a human relationship (I initially refused to date my husband because he was allergic to my pets).

In this case, your bird is probably better off with your parents and its buddy but still – he has shown you his true colors.” youjumpIjumpJac

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. But you can tell him you will happily go back on the agreement and let your parents know they should prepare your bird to be sent over.

A relationship where only one person compromises will only work if the compromising partner is willing and happy with always getting the short end of the stick. If not, the resentments will be so bad that the relationship will fail sooner or later. And he has already proven now that he expects you to be the compromising partner while he only pretends to compromise and then goes back on it after a short time (and never planned to stick to the compromise) and expects you to be fine with it.

His POV is very simple. He counts on it that now that you have already given up your home and moved to his country and already given up your pets, you have already invested a lot so you will accept whatever new nonsense he comes up with because you won’t go back due to investing so much already.

Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. That’s not going to work in the long run and you guys are heading towards divorce already.” Every_Caterpillar945

“I (F 19) and my significant other (M 19) have been together for 3 years.

My SO grew up in a household where his dad took more care of him than his mom. They both work but his mom chose to travel and work in different countries so she wasn’t really there in his life. Although she had the chance to take her whole family to a country she got a good amount of money there but for some reason, she didn’t and to this day she is there alone.

When we got into a relationship he began telling me more and more about his mom and I listened and did not find it weird or anything but then I began to realize how much she takes decisions for him and how much he listens to everything she says whether it is right or wrong.

My breaking point was when she sent him to a country very far away 11 hours time difference never went to it just cuz it was her dream to study university abroad and she found this chance and took it although he still didn’t know which major he wanted and he’s gonna be all alone there and our relationship fell apart from it and his dad didn’t want him to go like this he wanted him to choose something but she sent him away and for him to study and work there so she can get the passport or the ability to live there.

To be honest, I found it very selfish and weird and he just listened and didn’t think about anyone but his mom and what she wanted. He keeps wanting me to treat him like a mother rather than a significant other and he always has to mention his mom in any convos even if private ones he just mentions her randomly like ‘I love my mom she’s more like a friend to me’ or ‘Oh my dear mom she does a lot for me’ while we’re talking about private love convos like?

And every time I tell him anything about his mom he gets really defensive and bothered and sensitive about it even if it was smth normal. Like one time he told me how his mom swore she’s gonna shave the beard that he’d been growing when she saw him cuz she thought he looked homeless in it and I asked him what was wrong with her.

He got really mad cuz I said that and said it was disrespectful. I don’t know, is this normal or what.”

Another User Comments:

“Your SO is so desperate to please his mom that he’ll do anything she says, and he has her on such an unreasonably high pedestal that he can’t abide reasonable criticism or disagreement with her edicts.

He has to realize that this is unhealthy and messed up on his own. He has to independently decide he’s his own person and disentangle from her. Nothing you say will change their toxic dynamic. His mother will always come before you, before his dad, before himself, and before any kids that he has.

He’s conditioned to be unable to stand up to her. If you’re cool with mommy planning your wedding, picking out your house, naming your kids, raising your kids, and dictating every single aspect of your life, FOREVER, stay with this man. If you want a partner who will build a life WITH YOU and have your back, this is not the man for you.

Not without some serious therapy on his part. NTJ” ArtemisStrange

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. You’ve obviously decided to be jealous and selfish yourself. You’re 19, and you have no idea what her life actually was like or the expectations she faced yet you feel entitled to judge her.

Obviously, it sounds like he has his own unhealthy relationship with her but guess what, it takes two to tango. You’re acting like it’s all her fault. It’s not. He had a dad who could contextualize and he has a brain that can decide what he wants for himself, too.

He’s not a victim she’s not the villain, grow up a little.” OLAZ3000

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He sounds like he’s under the control of an overbearing mom, which a lot of people unfortunately deal with as they enter adulthood. He needs to assert himself, as this is only something HE can do.

I also took note of your ages. You are both 19. That’s usually the age when young teens/adults begin to assert their own boundaries. Maybe this will help to jump-start that conversation, then again maybe not.” ravingmoonatic

“I (45 F) have been with my partner (48 M) for 5 years and every year I do a stocking for him – he has never once put anything in mine.

I figured it’s just not something he did and while kind of disappointed (stockings are my favorite part) I never said anything.

This year, to avoid watching him go through his over-stuffed stocking while I had nothing in mine, I suggested that we just hang the stockings as decorations.

I would have been fine with this. Yet my partner insisted that we do stockings – I was so excited! He had never done a stocking for me and I couldn’t wait to see what goodies he’d come up with for me! I obviously wasn’t expecting anything big but when I was growing up, fun stuff always went in the stockings!

(Candy, little games, etc). So I went about getting stuff for his stocking – even special ordering an ornament that I knew he’d love – and his stocking was overflowing as usual. But when Christmas morning came… my stocking was empty. Out of embarrassment, he ended up sticking one of my Christmas gifts in there along with a bottle of Limoncello that he had bought me when I was with him.

I was heartbroken.

Let me be clear – it had nothing to do with the actual ‘stuff’ that wasn’t in my stocking. It’s that he’s never been thoughtful enough to put anything in my stocking and this year he insisted that we fill them, only to not fill mine.

I confronted him about it and let him know that it hurts my feelings that he can’t even make the effort to even put a handwritten note or a piece of candy in my stocking and his excuse was that he just ‘forgot’. It seems like this is the running theme in our relationship – I always make sure we do the things he wants to do, go places he wants to go, I make sure to take him on nights out, etc, but when it comes to me he just can’t be bothered. He keeps saying he will but then never follows through.

I guess the stocking was the straw that broke the camel’s back but he’s been sulky and snippy since I mentioned that I was hurt that he didn’t bother to do a stocking for me after he said he would (he claims he doesn’t remember saying this).

So… AITJ for saying anything? Again, it’s not about the actual gifts in the stocking, it’s about the fact that he just doesn’t ever seem to think of me or prioritize me. I know he’s capable because he bends over backward to get thoughtful gifts for his grown children, but for me, he always waits until the last minute and then gets me the cheapest version of things that I want.

I’m not trying to sound ungrateful – I know he doesn’t HAVE to do anything but I guess I just wish I felt like I was more important to him.

So again – AITJ for saying anything? Am I just being petty and selfish?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It sounds like he’s just not that into you, sorry to say. He knows what he should be doing, as evidenced by his thoughtful gift-giving to his grown kids. It’s exactly as you say it is. He just can’t be bothered. He doesn’t think of you or prioritize you, in your own words.

I think you needed this to be validated, as you have second-guessed yourself this past year.

Many relationships play out their course around the seventh year. Yours appears to be on track to be one of those. Unless, of course, you decide to stop wasting your time sooner and invest in your own future.

You might want to read up on narcissistic traits and examine whether you had a parent who exhibited any.

Narcissists tend to ruin holidays for others and make holidays all about themselves. Somewhere out there is a partner deserving of your thoughtfulness. You are currently wasting it on this ungrateful person you are spending time with.

Sometimes the death of a relationship is by a thousand paper cuts. Peace be unto you in the new year!” southofmemphis_sue

Another User Comments:

“Get out! He doesn’t care to spend money or time to be thoughtful towards you. Even though he knows that gifts are important to you, and gifts are important to him too.

He simply does not care to see you happy. And when it’s bright up, he sulks so you will continue to accept crumbs. You’re at the age where men get way more out of relationships. They are caregiving and support as they age poorly, face medical problems, and deal with middle-life feelings of mediocrity.

It’s a lot to support a man. If he can’t be grateful, gracious, and thoughtful in return, why are you with him?” imtchogirl