People Question "Am I The Jerk?" In These Intriguing Situations

“I’m F22 and love thrift shopping.

Almost my entire wardrobe and accessories are thrifted, I love finding pieces from expensive brands that I normally could never come close to affording. Because of thrifting, I have slowly built a really really nice wardrobe over the years including some good designer pieces and also some really nice homewares.

It’s my biggest hobby so with it I’ve also studied authentication which is super interesting to me.

This morning I was thrifting at Goodwill with my lifelong friend Anna F21. We’ve thrifted together before and she’s not super into it but enjoys it on occasion.

She comes from a wealthier family than me so she tends to buy nice things new more often. When I thrift with other people I always look for things they’d like so this morning I found a bunch of nice things for her and after trying on she ended up getting quite a bit of what I found for her.

For myself, I ended up finding a pretty dress and a designer purse that would be around $600-800 if it were new. Before leaving the Goodwill, I had to pee really bad. This part might be TMI but I have a UTI right now so I especially didn’t wanna hold it.

So before we went to pay, I asked Anna if she could hold my things so I could pee and she said okay. In hindsight, this was a really foolish thing to do, but I didn’t realize that at the time.

I came out of the bathroom and didn’t see Anna, but the dress I was buying was on the ground near the bathroom.

When I looked around, I saw Anna finishing up at the cash register and I quickly realized she had bought the purse. I confronted her and told her she knew I was going to buy that and she said I left it with her and it was “thrifting etiquette” that if you leave an item behind someone else might buy it.

I said I didn’t leave it behind I asked someone I trusted to hold it knowing I’d come out of the bathroom to buy it.

When we went out to the car it turned into an argument and the first time Anna and I have ever argued. I told her she was being a really bad friend and that I found it and she didn’t even look in the purse section herself.

She kept saying that if you leave something behind in a thrift store it’s fair game for others and that I find designer pieces “all the time” so it shouldn’t matter. (Not true, it’s rare to find designer pieces but people think I find them all the time because I go to thrift stores a lot more than most people).

I told Anna not to contact me unless she was giving me the bag back that she took. I made it clear that I am more than happy to Venmo her the money she spent on it since that’s what I was going to spend.

Anna’s birthday party is tomorrow night at her mom’s house – I baked a cake and helped with most of the planning. Anna’s freaking out at me so I texted her mom that I’d drop off the cake since it’s already made but I’m not coming or helping.

Anna keeps calling/texting and is saying I’m being petty over a bag. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. “Thrift etiquette” or whatever would apply if you left it behind back on the shelves, not when you ask your friend to hold it for you after you explicitly expressed your will to purchase the item.

She is your friend, right? I can’t imagine any of my friends doing that. She sounds very childish with her mentality being like “finders keepers losers weepers” logic. She even put the dress you were going to buy on the floor. I think your “friend” just showed her true colors.” block2head1

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You trusted her to hold something for you. As soon as you’re gone, she dumps your dress on the floor and takes off with the purse you were gonna buy as quickly as she could. That’s EXACTLY how an ex-friend would act.

It’s a pathetically tacky thing to do to someone you’re supposed to be friends with.” Less_Ordinary_8516

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You didn’t leave it behind, you asked her to hold it for you. She made off with the purse and threw your dress on the ground.

Maybe it’s not that big a deal, but she’s not a trustworthy friend. I would consider eating the cake myself and saying “But you left the cake behind.” Or go over to the mom’s house and drop the cake on the floor outside the bathroom.

I once asked the friend I was with to watch my bag while I went to the bathroom at a cafe in New York and when I got out of the bathroom, my bag was sitting by itself and the friend was nowhere to be seen.

Later they came out of the bathroom too saying that they also had to go. I complained that they had left my bag alone and they started making excuses. I just didn’t trust that person anymore after that. “Can you watch my stuff for me?” is not a complicated request. Anyone who is 21 or over knows what it means.

I’ve had dozens of people in my life successfully watch my stuff for me when I asked them to. Failing at such a simple request means the person can’t be trusted.” MargotLannington

“This happened on Valentine’s Day and it’s still been on my mind. I am 32 and female, my partner is 36 male, we have been together for 7 years. We have a very good relationship, but he has not proposed. We both have decent jobs, we bought a house together, cars together, and we raise our kids together.

During a couple of holidays, he bought me jewelry. It has always been thoughtful, and things that I have wanted and liked that he remembered from a conversation. Let me also tell you that I am a jeweler for a big jewelry company. I get a very good discount on jewelry that would apply to him shopping for me.

It’s not hard for me to see when something is fake as I inspect and fix other people’s jewelry all day.

The first time I didn’t say anything. I assumed he probably got swindled and I still wore it. The second time I did not say anything again, and again still wore it.

Now on Valentine’s Day, he got me something I’ve been looking for, for a long time. I was so excited. I couldn’t help but be disappointed when I realized it was fake as well. I felt an urge to ask him how much he paid for it.

I was thinking, is he getting ripped off from the same company over and over or does think I don’t notice? I said something. But the way I said it I still feel bad about. I said, “You know it’s fake right? Like all the other jewelry you got me?”

I could see he looked sad when I said that. I tried to smooth the situation out and explain these rare gems cost a lot of money, if this is less than 500 dollars it’s most likely going to be a fake. I don’t want you to get ripped off.

He said no, he didn’t pay that much for it. Part of me was relieved and another part was kind of upset he didn’t research it at all. I don’t want him to spend that much on me for Valentine’s Day.

But I also don’t want to wear fake jewelry when I work with jewelry experts, and I am a jewelry expert myself.

This isn’t a big ongoing fight or anything. There’s not a bunch of drama tied to it still. But did I prevent him from wanting to buy me jewelry in the future?

Should I have just kept quiet? AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. There is not enough information here to judge him, because he might just not know better, and you let it slide the first time, essentially giving him the green light. But it is definitely worth discussing with him.

“But he has not proposed.” This concerns me. Don’t ever wait for someone to propose. Whether and when to get married is a discussion a couple should have together. The answer to a proposal should never be a surprise, because the couple should have already agreed that they want to get married and about when.

The how of the proposal should be the only surprise. If you want him to propose, talk to him.” GreekAmericanDom

Another User Comments:

“I think he’s just kind of a dummy for trying? It would be like me buying computer hardware for my ex-husband who built computers, or buying paint for an artist, or an instrument for a musician… some things just make poor gifts because the gift giver knows 10% of what the recipient knows about the subject.

I think you should have said something sooner because you inadvertently encouraged him to keep buying you crap you didn’t want, so I’m voting no jerks here.” Brave_Quality_4135

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your partner sounds both cheap and like he underestimated how good you are at your job!

If my partner was a watch dealer, I wouldn’t buy him a “Rolex” off the Internet/a thrift store. You’re doing the right thing by pointing out to him that his gifts have been bad! Now, he has the opportunity to do better!” wonderfulkneecap

“I have two way younger twin siblings (Ben 19m and Zoe 19f). They don’t get along and are always fighting. It gets so bad that my mom once secretly told me she regrets having more children (she was joking… I think).

I personally believe they’re both equally at fault and so does Mom but our dad dotes on Zoe a lot and believes Ben is just a stupid delinquent. For context, Zoe is more well-behaved than Ben and she’s currently in college doing a pretty tough program.

I’m very proud of her, she worked hard for it.

Ben really doesn’t want to go back to school and shuts down every conversation related to it. He’s also a painter/artist and is always drawing or painting. I do think he’s being slightly stubborn and should be thinking more about his future (not school necessarily) but ultimately, it’s his choice.

Still, he can’t survive on little part-time jobs forever.

Anyway, my parents invited my husband and me to dinner and we said sure. When we got there, I could tell Ben and Zoe were fighting but they didn’t say anything. Until we were sat for dinner and Zoe randomly announced that Ben got a girl pregnant.

My dad went red and wouldn’t even hear Ben out. It all happened so fast but Dad basically went into Ben’s room and threw all his art stuff out the window. He even took his guitar and has it locked somewhere in the basement.

He also called Ben several names. I’ve literally never seen Ben cry like that.

When Ben finally managed to speak he clarified that it was just a scare. No girl is currently pregnant with his child. He’s now locked himself in his room and hasn’t even left to go to work according to my mom.

I’m so incredibly heartbroken for him. My dad doesn’t give a darn that he misunderstood because a scare is just as bad to him. And Zoe doesn’t feel an ounce of regret either. She said that everyone was saying it and she only brought it up out of concern.

She thinks he deserves to have his things destroyed because she thinks he lives in a fantasy land.

Because of this, I have stopped giving my sister money. I gave her a lot of pocket money for her to spend on herself as a treat.

I do the same with my brother. But I’ve stopped for her. My mom gets it but my dad won’t stop calling me to yell at me for playing favorites and punishing my sister for doing the right thing and rewarding my brother for being a bum.

I told him I wasn’t going to be speaking to him anymore and he just told me he was disappointed. My husband thinks I should’ve talked it out some more but I genuinely think they went too far this time. Some of the stuff my dad trashed were things Ben created almost 10 years ago.

And the way Zoe smiled the whole time honestly creeped me out. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. “My dad went red and wouldn’t even hear Ben out. It all happened so fast but Dad basically went into Ben’s room and threw all his art stuff out the window.” That’s a disgraceful thing to do.

Your Dad throwing out everything Ben created over years shows how little regard he has for him. “My dad won’t stop calling me to yell at me for playing favorites and punishing my sister for doing the right thing.” He doesn’t have any sense of irony, does he?

It’s ok for him to treat his malicious, mean-spirited crap stirring daughter like a princess, but not for you to give any emotional other support to your brother. Can your brother stay with you while he gets things together? Your mom needs to step up here too.” Apart-Ad-6518

Another User Comments:

“NTJ OMG so many serious issues. Your siblings are lucky to have you trying to look out for them. I think you are in the right. Seems like Dad is playing favorites. I wonder if your brother is dealing with multiple issues.

It can sometimes take men a little longer to find their footing in young adulthood. It isn’t always laziness. They might need a push but a loving one that is also supportive. Basically nothing like your Dad. I also wonder if the twin dynamic is hard for him.

No one would enjoy being compared to a twin who excels in school, plays the role of the ideal child, and is favored by a parent. No one would react well to that. Maybe the support your brother could use is someone to talk things out with – like a professional. And maybe a new place to live if at all possible.

Seems like your brother has talents that only you recognize and respect. Your sister is a little meanie bully. She did that on purpose to hurt him. But this seems to go way too far. I wouldn’t give her a penny until she apologizes and changes her behavior.

Why reward her antics? Anyway, just food for thought. I hope you can support your brother.” Slow-Show-3884

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Wow, your father’s behavior was abysmal. How is your mother not ripping him into shreds?? Maybe consider letting Ben stay with you for a bit, if you have room for him?

I can only imagine putting some distance from such toxic parenting and an awful sister would do him a lot of good. He’s 19, he can live where he wants. When his spirit and confidence are bolstered under your wing, and inspired to re-start life without the confines of his dad and sister (and passive mother), maybe he’ll look into trades training (if he likes unconventional work/work with his hands) or even college, finally.” peregrine_throw

“So I (17F) have a bunch of half-siblings from my mom. Mom was unfaithful to my dad and got pregnant while they were still married and my half-sister Erica is the baby that resulted from her being unfaithful.

My dad did a DNA test to confirm Erica wasn’t his and then he only sought parental responsibilities for me. They shared custody of me 50/50 and Dad paid child support for me. My mom tried to get him to take responsibility for Erica too but he refused. Erica’s father has never been part of her life.

Over the next several years my mom had Jace, Liam, Kaci, Ava, and Paula. All of us have a different dad. I’m the only one with a dad in my life.

After Jace was born my mom lost custody of all of us for 2.5 years.

Dad took sole custody of me at the time, Erica went to our mom’s parents and Jace was taken in by his paternal grandmother. Mom eventually got herself into a place where she could get custody back of Erica and Jace and she was pregnant with Liam during that period.

I never went back to 50/50 with her though and instead, she was granted every other weekend with me.

My relationship with my half-siblings is not great. The biggest issue is that I’m not there that often and there’s jealousy that I have a dad and they don’t.

Erica and I have the worst relationship by far. She is so bitter about my dad not claiming all of them and raising us together and saving all of my half-siblings. Every time I am at my mom’s she will insult my dad and call him names and tell me I should pick them over my dad.

She asked me how I can live with someone who turns his back on kids who should be his. I have told her to stop countless times. We fight about it every time I go to Mom’s house. We also fight because I refuse to just pack them all up and insist my dad start raising all my half-siblings.

Erica has started to say she wishes my dad would drop dead and then I’ll be all alone because I have rejected them by refusing to help and I deserve to be alone and my dad deserves to be dead for turning his back on kids.

That was when I was sort of like forget it and I do my best to avoid Erica where I can.

I also stopped going every other weekend and my mom doesn’t seem to care so it’s worked out okay. Two weekends ago Erica called and said she had an assignment for school and needed help with it because she was about to fail her class.

She wanted me to go to Mom’s and help her and I refused. I told her she’s on her own and I don’t help people who wish my dad dead and wish me to be alone. She started crying on the phone but I hung up.

My mom called last week and yelled at me because Erica was upset and had failed and she told me I was supposed to be the leader and the best big sister to all my siblings but I acted like an only child who only cares about my dad.

Erica also sent me a really angry text.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. First sorry your family seems so disfunction, that’s really really difficult to cope with. Why didn’t Erica’s mom help her or get school tutoring or any other of a million options?

She’s not your responsibility. She’s the mom’s. Would it be nice for you to help sure, but you don’t have that relationship with her because of her past actions. Good luck making it to 18. Hopefully, you can get to college or at least away from that drama-filled mess.” Remarkable-World9396

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She only wants to be nice to you when it’s convenient for her. After you help her with that assignment, she’ll be right back to her old ways. She’s a cruel child and will develop into a cruel adult.

This is none of your concern. She has nobody in her corner? She did that to herself by pushing you away. Your mom yelled at you about it? Oh well, she doesn’t sound like a person with an opinion of any value. Who cares what she thinks about you at this point?

She doesn’t sound to be much of a mother anyways.” BulbasaurRanch

Another User Comments:

“Man, OP, your mom is toxic, first, she was unfaithful to your dad with like seven other men, then she expects you and your dad to accept her kids as a part of your lives, then she tells you to basically raise her kids for her.

Man I don’t know, but I think this mom is delusional. First of all, you owe them nothing, secondly, I recommend going NC with everybody in that family, clearly all your mom wants from you is to be a parent which is not your responsibility.

NTJ, what your mom is trying to do is turn you into a parent for Erica, in my opinion, that’s a form of mistreatment. I recommend going no contact with everybody in that family, including your mom and Erica, I do think Erica needs some therapy to help her deal with her jealousy and animosity towards you and your dad.

My hope for Erica is that she gets the help she needs and realizes that it’s not your fault or your dad’s fault, that’s my hope, but with the way things are going I doubt she will.” Yo-KaiWatchFan2102

“When I say tradition the kids are 2 so it’s not something that’s been going on for decades I guess. But it’s still something we do as a family.

We are originally from the UK and were there at the start of Feb visiting family.

My cousin and her family are thinking of moving abroad like us and asked if they could travel to our country of domicile to see how it is and also for help traveling with their kid (they’ve only flown once and it was bad all around for them all).

Anyway blah blah blah moving on, last week we headed home. The previous 3 times we have been in the UK we have taken our son to a specific shop in the airport and bought a keepsake for him from that shop.

We explained this to my cousin and her husband after we went through security and asked them to give us a moment and then we would all head to the lounge together.

They ended up following us which I thought nothing of. Kiddo picked a gift for himself and we headed to the counter.

My husband then wanted to look at something else so we left the toy on the counter and came back with the other items we wanted. Someone had put a fluffy bunny toy on the counter next to my son’s toy but I figured it was the same as us – someone didn’t pick up a basket and left it there.

Cousin and her husband were looking at tote bags along another wall.

When we paid the woman at the till asked if the bunny was ours too, I said no and she rang through the rest of the stuff.

When we got to the lounge cousin started poking around in the bag but didn’t say anything.

We then basically parented both kids for the 8+ hour flight and got home exhausted.

Then on Thursday at a coffee shop cousin started laying into me about how I purposefully excluded my niece and didn’t buy her the bunny and how cruel it was to take my son to a shop and buy him toys right in front of her and not even get her a “simple” teddy.

She went on about how we are meant to be looking out for them on this trip and yet I started it by making them feel bad.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“”She went on about how we are meant to be looking out for them on this trip and yet I started it by making them feel bad.” No longer look after or help them in any way.

Problem solved. NTJ, cousin is. ​ If she was any sort of reasonable, and actually cared about her kid being “left out”, she could have just purchased the toy herself. She obviously wanted you to spend the money instead. All of this on top of everything else you have been doing for her.” StonewallBrigade21

Another User Comments:

“NTJ 1. You had no idea what was going on with the bunny. 2. At any point did they ask or talk to you about it before you purchased? 3. You’re not a mind reader. And they’re delusional to think you are. 4. They should have just asked. Saying we’re a little tight right now could you please get the bunny for us.” Still_Actuator_8316

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, your cousin could have handled this very differently instead of putting the rabbit on the counter and then heading to the opposite side of the shop. She could have mentioned it to you and asked if you could/would do this if they didn’t have the means.

It was wrong just to put it on the counter and walk away, thinking you were a mind reader. You did nothing to warrant her reaction.” many_hobbies_gal

“I 24F am getting married in less than a month and I want a childfree wedding. I have always said this and in the invitations, it says that it is childfree. I have been to weddings where there are children and some have screamed during the ceremony and reception.

I was at one where a kid didn’t want to wait for the cake to be cut so he snuck up and grabbed a handful. The bride was horrified.

My sister 28F has a 5 year old and she said she was happy to have some free time.

Her partner was going to stay behind on the day of the wedding to be there with my nephew. I guess his friends rented out a cabin somewhere the week of my wedding and he wants to go so he doesn’t want to, and in his words, “Babysit that night.”

I love my nephew. I do. But when things aren’t about him, he will do anything to make it about him. She asked if I could make an exception and she’ll keep him quiet. I just don’t trust her in this situation because my grandmother had her 80th birthday recently and my sister made the same promise to our family that she’d keep him calm.

He broke away from her and blew out our grandmother’s candles and pushed the cake off when my dad tried to redirect him.

She said she won’t be able to find someone to watch him and I said I would help her find someone and she said she doesn’t trust him with anyone so I told her she needs to tell her partner that it’s not babysitting and he said he’d be there for her and their son during this night.

The venue has open water and a lot of open field. I also don’t want him to get hurt because he loves to run around and get into trouble and she rarely stops him. So I told her I’m sorry but I can’t. She called me a jerk for inviting our cousin who turned 18 in December.

I told her she is an adult and she can watch and take care of herself during this event. There will also be booze. I don’t want a child around that. Our cousin is even leaving before we do the other stuff. She’ll only be at the reception for an hour or two.

She says “She barely turned 18, I’m your sister and you can’t do this for me?””

Another User Comments:

“”He broke away from her and blew out our grandmother’s candles and pushed the cake off when my dad tried to redirect him.” For this reason alone, NTJ.

She has clearly demonstrated that she can’t/won’t control the child when she says she will.

“Tell her partner that it’s not babysitting and he said he’d be there for her and her son during this night.” This is a different issue, but not your problem.

You’re right – he did make a promise and now wants to renege, it’s not your relationship to micromanage. If your sister wants to allow it, let her. You’ve offered help finding a sitter, that’s the best you can do. If she doesn’t attend because her SO can’t keep a promise, that’s her problem.

Stick to it and have the wedding you want.” Discount_Mithral

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s your wedding. You can invite whoever you want. This also includes not allowing whoever you want to attend. Childfree weddings are not uncommon. She chose to have a kid.

She chose her partner. Her partner made a choice to leave her without a sitter. Poor planning on her part is not an emergency for you. Curious, how would you feel if she and the kid attended the wedding, but left before the reception?” damienwolfe

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You planned a child-free wedding and everybody was happy with the arrangement until your sister had to find her own childcare. Also, I would consider 18 ‘adult’ age regardless of when the birthday was. Your sister is just trying to make you feel bad, hopefully, she can organize a babysitter but it is not your problem.

Either way, I hope you have a wonderful wedding.” pink_jezus

“When my brother (M35) Jake went to jail for a short stint, I (m30) was, on paper, the best candidate to take care of his son (m7) John.

The issue was that I did not have the qualities needed to be a good parent. And even if I did, my brother’s son….to put it lightly, was a very difficult child.

I eventually caved into family pressure and manipulation. However, I did NOT agree to take in John unconditionally; I made it clear that I could not do this alone, and extracted promises of support from many relatives.

In hindsight, I was incredibly naive. As soon as the ink was dry, my relatives abandoned me. It was by far the most miserable experience of my life. I was in no way equipped to deal with a child, much less one with as many issues as John.

All of my pleas for help were at best, ignored. At worst, I was blamed/shamed.

While I’d like to believe that I didn’t take my resentment/regret out on John, I most certainly did not support his emotional needs. At best, I was a distant caretaker/ATM.

And when Jake got out of jail, I couldn’t hand John back to my brother fast enough. Yes, I knew that my brother was a terrible parent, but so was I, and Jake, at the least, did not regret having John.

The issue is that my brother has gotten in trouble with the law…..again.

Again, I was nominated for guardianship, but I didn’t fall on the same trick twice. I stood my ground and burned many bridges in the process. I’ve been called heartless, selfish, a monster, and more. I’ve been told that I have a duty to my family and so on.

My sister Jane (f25) eventually volunteered, but she can barely support herself, never mind a child. She has asked me for financial assistance and I refused. While money is no problem for me, I have no obligation. I made it clear that I would not be in her village PRIOR to her adopting John, and furthermore, she was one of the relatives who reneged on her promise to help me when I was in her shoes.

I don’t care what my relatives think, but when I confided in my friend, she told me that I did owe John even if I didn’t owe my relatives because I had agreed to be his guardian. I disagreed because I was tricked into it.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – “I’ve been called heartless, selfish, a monster, and more. I’ve been told that I have a duty to family and so on.” Yeah but when it falls on them and they start making excuses as to why they can’t it’s different, yeah?

This is such nonsense. Stand your ground, OP. Let the people who kicked you to the curb deal with their problem because it is no longer yours. All the best, OP.” slap-a-frap

Another User Comments:

“NTJ for not taking John in again. It would be kind of you to offer John some financial support, though.

Maybe help with his clothing purchases or school supplies, that kind of thing. I wouldn’t give cash to your sister, but you could certainly buy things for John who is, after all, the victim in all of this.” InappropriateAccess

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – You were forced into a situation you didn’t have the tools to do properly and you have corrected that error.

Hindsight being 20-20 you can see the very same situation brewing up yet again. This child needs to be put into foster care and placed with a family who can give him the stability that is crucial at this time in his life. You, your sister, and his father cannot give him that stability.

You need to get that reality documented before a family court judge so his son isn’t harmed further by your other family members as they are the blame here for what they are putting John through. Enough already screwing up John’s life. Poor kid.” Mustng1966

“I (30f) have two sons ages 6 and 2 years. My sister has my niece who is also 2. Things were good with my sister until I learned I was pregnant with my oldest. My sister was older (30 at the time) and she had been trying to get pregnant for 2 years, whereas I had just finished my degree when my husband and I learned we were having a baby.

I think jealousy is what created the cracks that still exist in our relationship. I was very aware of how painful it would be for my sister. She was actively trying to have a baby and had not been successful while I didn’t try or plan to have kids just yet and a birth control failure resulted in an unplanned pregnancy for us.

I told my sister privately and let her know I wanted to make sure she was okay. She said she was but our relationship changed that day.

Outwardly she appeared okay. But we were not close like before. We used to talk a lot every week and that reduced significantly despite my attempts to keep that going.

She called less, answered less, and stayed on the phone less. It was more awkward for the first few months of my eldest’s life and then it did get a little better. But never the same as before. I did bring it up to her once and she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about so I dropped the conversation.

My sister went through IVF and I did my best to support her through that. Then I got pregnant again and the distance grew. But then she was pregnant too and things got better.

My sister was very enthusiastic about our kids growing up close and spending time together.

We did a lot together when my youngest and my niece were first born and we talked about how they’d have play dates and we could do fun outings with all three. Then around 6 months ago it got worse again. I have no idea why or what caused it.

But it all accumulated into an incident two weeks ago.

My sister dropped by unexpectedly and asked me to watch my niece the next day. I was like of course. I have babysat for them before and they babysat a couple of times for us too.

I was plating up some dinner for my kids at the time and my sister was like what on earth is that, why are you feeding them like that, she told me it was gross and she couldn’t believe I would be so wasteful and it wasn’t a real dinner.

She told me I should know way better than that.

The dinner was mini homemade chicken tacos, some stir-fried veggies on the side, a dip, and some fresh berries in a pot. She then insulted a lunch I gave my kids at Christmas and told me the way I feed my kids is impossible and weird and there’s no consistency to them, etc. I told her to stop acting like I was doing something wrong and she told me I was.

She brought up how my kids don’t finish their food every time and it just escalated badly. It felt like she was taking everything from the last 7ish years out on me and I told her I’m not babysitting anymore and not to call on me for help with my niece anymore.

She called me a bad sister and left.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“I don’t see what was wrong with the lunch. Chicken, vegetables, and fruit, and in a form that children like. What more could you want? Besides, hasn’t anyone told the sister that the “children have to eat their plates empty, regardless of the consequences” method of education is completely outdated?

What you don’t finish now will be served as a warmed-up snack two hours later when you’re feeling hungry, and that’s it! NTJ! You haven’t done anything wrong by telling your sister that she can look after her child herself. Let her cool down first, then maybe you can talk about the much deeper problem in peace.” Mini_Godzilla

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your relationship suddenly got worse when you got pregnant and she didn’t. Then it got better when she finally got pregnant. Then it got worse again for unknown reasons. And now she is lashing out at your parenting. Have you considered that she may have had a miscarriage?

Many people choose not to share that information. So she withdraws and then becomes more protective of her only child which leads to lashing out at you and how you feed your two children. Because you’re doing it in a way that she wouldn’t do and she is making the very best choices for her child.

And if you don’t make the same choices, then your choices are worse, by default. Just something to consider.” la-maman

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, there’s nothing wrong with the food you fed your children. It sounds like good variety. Forcing children to finish meals when they’re not hungry creates all sorts of food-related problems in adults.

I was the sister who couldn’t have a baby when it seemed everyone else was with no problems. It was a horrible feeling and I was horrifically jealous, but, you don’t get to put your bad feelings on other people. I was still there, I went to baby showers, visited the hospital, made meals for new parents, and bought baby presents.

They were people I loved and I was happy for them. I’m sorry your sister couldn’t do that.” Ceb18

“I (34F) get mad when my husband (35M) does things without telling me. He owns his own office and the office closes at 5 pm. The house is about a 20-minute drive away but he usually gets home between 5-6 pm because he gets out late sometimes.

In this last situation, he went out to eat dinner with his brother and a business representative to discuss business things. The reason I got mad was he got home at 6 pm and never told me anything about his plans. We usually eat after we put the kids to bed.

About an hour later, we are getting our young kids to bed and I ask if he’s planning on cooking potatoes for dinner, he says no but he could make me some because he ate already. I ask if he’s joking that he ate already and he tells me he went out to dinner.

I yelled at him for not telling me. He said that he didn’t need to tell me because he was still home around the same time he always gets home and that I am absurd for wanting him to tell me where he’s at.

Not only am I mad because he didn’t tell me but the fact that he doesn’t think he has to tell me. Also mad because he says that he doesn’t do these things very often and that once in a while it’s okay because he doesn’t do it every day.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“It’s reasonable to expect a heads up when his plans affect you. HOWEVER, he was home at the regular time AND he offered to cook your dinner FOR you. The only difference was that he wouldn’t be eating it with you.

It would have been completely different if you already had dinner prepped and ready to go, but you didn’t. You sound bitter that he got to eat out and you didn’t. Or there’s something else going on that upsets you. Are there other occasions when his plans DID affect you?

That would be a different story, but with just this example YTJ for getting upset and YTJ for yelling at him.” Dashqu

Another User Comments:

“Being real, did it actually make any difference to your day, him not eating with you?? Like, if my partner says to me “No thanks, I already ate”, I just say “cool” and feed myself.

She does the same. I don’t really get the mealtime co-dependence thing. I don’t need to know what my partner is doing all the time and I don’t want her to feel like she needs to tell me either. YTJ for yelling, because it’s childish and solves nothing.

You could have said “Hey, fair enough. Please could you do me a favor though? Next time just shoot me a message and let me know so I don’t delay eating”. And if he still doesn’t do it, yeah I get being annoyed.” cynicown101

Another User Comments:

“He usually gets home between 5-6 and he got home at 6, meaning he wasn’t unreasonably late. He’s there to put the kids to bed, so he hasn’t stayed out and left that to you. When you asked about cooking he said he had eaten already but still offered to make something for you.

He also told you who he was with and why, so it wasn’t a secret he was keeping – he just didn’t see the need to tell you in advance because it didn’t actually affect his plans with you. Honestly, I feel YTJ – he hasn’t done anything wrong here.

You come across as controlling. Why do you need to know where he’s gone, if it hasn’t impacted his time with you and the kids or his responsibilities at home? I would understand your being angry if he was blowing you and the kids off to stay out late while you were going hungry waiting for him to come home.

But that’s not the situation. I don’t think your finger needs to be on the pulse every second of his day. Lighten up a little.” tyallie

“My SIL has always called me a disgrace and talks about how “men are providers.” She has repeatedly told me this and tries to shame me for having a better education and job than my husband.

My husband’s family is Mexican immigrants and my SIL lives in Mexico and has a Mexican husband.

She recently left the house looking for someone to stay with. My in-laws live in another state but my sister with her 3 children came to us instead.

We live in a small house in San Diego that was my grandma’s. My in-laws live close to Houston.

My husband was not home when his sister arrived and I sent her away when she showed up on my doorstep. I told her to go find another provider because I’m not it.

My husband heard and came home from work and I told him that he had to pay for her hotel and plane tickets out of his money to our in-laws’ place.

He and his family have been upset with me.

His sister has constantly bullied me for over ten years for dumb things like “not making my man a plate.” I have never liked her or her ex. I do not want her in my home and I wasn’t having it because she has no money because of her own stupidity of being a “wifey.” I refuse to support her and now my husband’s family is saying he should leave me and stay in Houston.

I told him he can choose his sister over me and if he’s not back in 24 hours I’m throwing his stuff on the street and letting the homeless take it.”

Another User Comments:

“I’ve made the mistake of opening my home and wallet for extended family who didn’t respect me, thinking the olive branch would help.

I can’t explain why, but all it does is make them hate you more and feel entitled to your money. When you eventually want to stop and let them stand on their own feet, they become more resentful than they ever were. Hard NTJ from me.

Letting people who don’t respect you as a person in your home is a mistake a hundred percent of the times I’ve seen it done. If the other option was homelessness for the kids, that’s different. But they have family in Houston and they’re probably better off there.” SpaceJesusIsHere

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You don’t owe her anything. I had a SIL who was an absolute jerk to me. She never asked me for any favors, but if she had, it would’ve been a wasted effort on her part. People are feeling sorry for your husband.

I don’t. He should have been on your side from the get-go. Why does he think it’s ok that his sister has bullied you for 10 years? Has he ever defended you against her bullying? If not, you’re better off without him.” Gattina1

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She bit the hand that she might need to feed her one day. Just the DEMAND that you support her is the nastiest form of privileged attitude & abuse. Hubby better think REALLY carefully. INFO: When SIL has attacked you in the past, did hubby defend you, or counterattack her, or keep silent?

THAT might tell you the answer, but it might not be the answer you want.” Frequent-Material273

“My parents are in their late 80s and they have never been good with money. They tried to save up, but the reality is they were not high-income earners but they did the general “living beyond their means” lifestyle. They bought a house in the 70s, but after retiring they remortgaged it to pay for stuff.

They sold the house in 2015 and live in a 2 bedroom apartment, and my mom (82) has always insisted on taking care of my dad (90). For the past few years, my siblings and I have tried to have conversations with them about their future, an old age home, etc., but they shut down the conversation.

They’ve been in denial and they refused any sort of planning.

To make a long story short, my dad’s health is in decline and we discovered they have no savings left, and are living off their pension. The cheapest care home is $2,800 a month.

Mom refuses to go (she’s still physically and mentally capable). So she wants to pay 2 rents. Even after downsizing apartments, her rent would be $1,200-$1,500 a month. My siblings want us to split the total cost 4 ways (3 siblings + mom and dad). I refused. Why should I be responsible for their non-existent planning?

It’s $1,000 a month that I don’t have. My wife and I already live frugally (we do not buy clothing, we do not go to restaurants, we do not buy coffee). We have saved aggressively and we bought a modest condo. We are saving for our retirement so we don’t burden our children.

We are expecting a baby. We are both educated, paid off our student debt, and are making high incomes for the degrees we have (so there is no way we can increase our income). I’m not willing to take on a side job to pay for my parents.

And why does society expect me to? AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Now for the unsolicited advice part…if you live in the US (guessing so, because the rents are in dollars) the county that your parents live in may have an office for older adult services or an aging/disability resources center.

They might be able to help with a lot of information. Your mother might qualify for a subsidized senior apartment, for example, or other services either free or at low cost (sometimes a percentage of income.) A big advantage of the senior apartments (besides the lower rent) is that there are often convenient services on site–for example, I have a relative in one and they have a weekly shopping bus, there is a bread vendor that occasionally drops off free overstock items, and they get info on special deals (daily newspaper for $1/month, discount cell plans, etc.) Your family shouldn’t try to navigate all of this alone.” greta_cat

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I think that this scenario is far more common amongst boomers than you might realize, OP. A lot of them had the idea to squander all the wealth they possibly could and then throw the burden onto their children. It’s not your job to play into that narrative.

They had a house which is pretty much 90% of a person’s lifetime cost and they lost it. That means no inheritance for your family when they kick the can in a year or 2. Older generations are supposed to leave a better world for future generations, not a worse one.

NTJ.” DarkDimmaDome

Another User Comments:

“No jerks here. You don’t owe your parents anything, you don’t owe your kids anything. Everyone is on their own. You live and die by your own productivity. What’s family for anyway? Obviously, none of us have to do anything.

Should you help care for your parents in old age, yes. Does it have to be entirely on their term, no. Some people who have abusive parents get a pass here. You however do not mention that being the case. You just don’t want to.” Boofakblankets

“My (36f) half-brother Sean (38m) has a long history of drinking in excess; he got his act together for a while after his daughter (5f) was born, but after he ended his relationship with her mother, his drinking became more out of control than ever.

He lost his job, his license, custody, and eventually, his home. I tried to help him by getting him health insurance and bringing him to a detox center. When he left detox, I helped him with his supervised visitations with his daughter and gave him a list with all kinds of resources to help him maintain his sobriety.

Unfortunately, he did not take advantage of any of them and he lost his visitation privileges shortly thereafter. I then got him into a 90-day rehab facility and told him that was the last time I was going to help him; he still had his list of resources for when he got out.

Apparently, he checked himself out after less than 30 days and promptly showed up at his child’s mother’s house and demanded to see his daughter. She refused, so he decided to drink a 5th of vodka and drive (literally like that Eminem song, Stan) with no license, no insurance, and an expired inspection sticker, and then attempted to resist arrest when he of course got pulled over.

He called me from jail the other day and asked me to bail him out, let him stay with me, and help him set up visitation with his daughter again at my house. I told him I’m not doing any of the above and not to call me again until he starts doing right by himself and his daughter.

My husband supports me 100% and says that if I did help him, I’d just be enabling him. But Sean’s mother called me sobbing and said that it’s not being able to see his daughter that is causing him to make such poor life choices, and begged me to reconsider.

I told her that I’m sorry but I don’t see it that way; he lost the right to see his daughter because he was already making poor life choices. She said that she never knew me to be so heartless, and hung up on me.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You’ve done a lot to help him turn his life around, but it’s ultimately on him to be willing to fix himself. You’ve more than done your part. Maybe staying in jail will be the wake-up call he needs. I wouldn’t bail him out, and I sure as heck wouldn’t let him stay with me after all that.

Your husband is right, you would just be enabling him. If Sean’s mother wants to help, feel free – but that’s on her to continue enabling him. He’s lucky he didn’t kill someone when he went on this joyride. He’s safer behind bars, along with everyone else around him.” Duuuuude84

Another User Comments:

“You are NTJ for not doing what his own mother refuses to do for him. He has made his bed and has refused to take any responsibility for himself. Rehab has a very low success rate if the individual doesn’t really want to try/is forced to do it.

Sean’s mother is delusional (maybe that contributes to Sean’s worldview) thinking it’s the lack of visitation that has caused this because he earned visitation and then lost it by reverting to his old ways. He needs help, but he has to really want it, not say he wants it.” catskilkid

Another User Comments:

“Hard NTJ. He’s an addict. Until he decides on his own that he’s going to put in the tremendous effort to work towards sobriety, there’s literally nothing you should do for him besides letting him know you care/love him, & pointing out (but not paying for) available community resources.

Pouring money into an addict who has proven repeatedly that they haven’t committed to the journey doesn’t help anyone, including the addict. I strongly suggest you & anyone else involved get therapy or join a group for families/friends of addicts. You aren’t alone in trying to help someone who can’t be helped yet.

Hugs.” CampfiresInConifers

“Growing up, my parents favored my youngest brother, “M,” leaving my sister “S,” older brother “J,” and me on the sidelines. Complications during my mom’s last pregnancy made “M” the golden child. Despite my high-functioning autism, I excelled academically skipping several years ahead of school and even helping my older brother “J” with his studies.

However, my parents forced me to also tutor “M”, and of course, I would be punished if he had bad grades.

During our childhood the only one who treated us fairly was Grandma, she lived close by so she used to babysit all of us all the time, she was especially proud of me because of how much I helped my brothers and I became her favorite.

Eventually, we stayed at her house permanently while going to college, only “M” stayed at our parents’ house because they would spoil him rotten.

Fast forward many years, “J” now 35 yo, “S” 29 yo and I 31 yo distanced ourselves from our parents, building successful lives. J is now a professional chef, A is a linguistics teacher and I became a Network Engineer.

I make almost 4 times what J and S make so I have financially supported my daughter and set up college funds for her, my nieces, and nephews because “S” and “J” are my best friends and they have helped me immensely. I’m a single dad, and even though I own several properties I still live at grandma’s house because she is in her late 80s now and needs all the help she can get.

Years later when he turned 26 yo my parents got sick of supporting M and kicked him out, so M showed up at our grandma’s house about 6 months ago, apologizing for all he did to me while growing up, and swore that if I helped him get a job he would change his ways and would even help take care of grandma, which admittedly he did.

Cautiously, I let him in and gave him a chance, but sadly, he was just pretending to get me to lower my guard.

About a month ago, my daughter and I went for a week of vacation to camp in the mountains, during this time my brother had forced grandma to sign a document to transfer ownership of her house to him, and then he kicked her out of her own home.

However, he didn’t know that Grandma had already legally transferred the property of her house to me since she had planned to leave it to me in her will anyway. We contacted the police and explained what happened with the documents proving I now owned the house and that the papers M had were not valid because grandma was no longer the house owner when she signed them, revealing his fraudulent actions, and he is facing charges of fraud, falsified documents, and elder abuse, and could get 10 years of prison.

Now, my parents have been calling me non-stop pleading for mercy for their precious little boy and asking me to drop the charges, so I grapple with the decision to let him face legal consequences. Am I justified, or am I going too far? AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, and your parents really need to sit down and hush. “Mom, Dad, your precious little boy is all grown up and attempted to make your 80-year-old mother (in law) destitute and homeless because he is the selfish little jerk you raised him to be.

Since you couldn’t be bothered to hold him accountable as a child, I have no choice but to hold him accountable as a grown man. I am tired of your nonsense and will not be discussing this with you further. If you insist on helping your criminally abusive son, go hire him a lawyer.”” MelodyRaine

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your parents and M are total jerks altogether. Not only did M commit fraud, but he has to face the consequences of his actions and behavior. As for your parents, the next time they call you, you tell them bluntly that their stupidity in spoiling and favoring M as the golden child is partially what got him into this situation.

Tell your parents that you and your siblings will go completely NC if they don’t back off. Good luck OP.” Popular_Document1399

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. OP, your brother is 26 years old and preyed on your grandmother. He needs the consequences no matter what your parents think.

More than that, he deserves it. There is no way he didn’t plan each and every step so he could get what he believed he deserved.” Ok-Complex5075

“I (41m) have two kids (14m and 16f) with my ex “Tammy” (37f) and according to the divorce decree neither one of us can take the kids out of state without prior written consent from the other. This was fine for the most part as neither Tammy nor I had any desire to go through any more hassle of co-parenting than we already do.

However, my father recently passed away. It wasn’t a shock because he was sick for a long time so while I was sad he was gone I was also relieved he wasn’t suffering anymore.

About 50 years ago my father came to America, got an education, and made something of himself but always missed his home country.

When it was determined that there was nothing more that could be done for him my father wanted to spend his last year in his home country. My sister happily obliged my father’s wishes and quit her job to go with him and help with his care.

My brother, other sister, and I also took at least one trip over to see him.

Then the holidays came around and my father really wanted to see all of his grandchildren together one last time. My brother and other sister were able to bring their kids over but when I brought this up to Tammy (3 months ago) she said she’d think about it.

I gave her as much time as I could but flights overseas during the holidays were expensive so when I asked her again, Tammy said she needed more time. I asked how much more time did she need, and that led to a fight and Tammy ended up saying she wouldn’t agree.

She also got to my kids and said that they didn’t want to go either, citing that they didn’t speak the language and that they shouldn’t have to be inconvenienced just because their grandfather decided to leave the country.

I was upset but let it go and I could tell my dad was a little hurt that the kids didn’t come.

He tried to video chat them twice but got no response. We had one final dinner together where my dad made a speech about how grateful he was for his family and discussed his will. Aside from my sister who took care of him, the majority of his financial estate would go to his grandkids and he would be leaving the rest of us sentimental things, which we were all cool with.

He passed a few weeks later and at the reading of the will my brother and other sister’s kids got a decent-sized trust fund, whereas my kids weren’t mentioned at all.

I did bring this up once and my sister said our dad was really hurt that he wasn’t worth a video call in his final moments and only opted to leave them sentimental items. When my kids found out they were furious and Tammy demanded that I sue my sister and/or my nieces and nephews but I refused. My kids see this as me putting someone else before them as well as punishing them for not agreeing to go, but I don’t see it that way.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Tammy messed around and it cost your children their inheritance. Your dad had the right to do what he wanted with his assets. I doubt even if you took your siblings to court you would win. This is all on Tammy and your kids for the decisions they made.” HistorianOver3043

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Tammy insisted that you not take the children out of the country but now she wants to sue your own family for inheritance assets? It’s obvious that you may or may not have had a different outcome should the kids have visited. (Your siblings did most of the heavy lifting so they would have automatically been seen with higher regard.) However, her insistence on not allowing them to go and speaking on their behalf is where you should remind the kids and Tammy, was her doing.

At the end of the day, you probably don’t want to hire a lawyer because you know you probably could have done more to have your children visit or even FaceTime with your dad. But again, doing so might not have guaranteed any different outcome, especially if he was influenced by your family towards the end of his life to revise or modify his last wishes.” roxywalker

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. A will isn’t about fairness. Never has been. I’m not much for “I told you so” but you’ve got a pretty great one to lay down on your ex. Also note: Lawsuits are going to go nowhere and the only people who will get paid will be the lawyers.

Let your ex tilt at that windmill if you want.” jasazick

“I (M36) and my wife (F38) have been married for 8 years and we have two kids (M7) and (F5).

She is a stay-at-home mom, in charge of all the housework and childrearing while I work and cover us financially. Before you start attacking me, hear me out. We ran into a bit of bad luck with debt a few years ago and as a result, on average I work 50-60 hour weeks to help get us out of it.

I am a carpenter so the days are long and sometimes I drive quite a bit to get to the work sites. By the time I get home, I am exhausted and pretty much eat then collapse into bed.

On Saturdays I take my son and daughter out to his soccer games then back home for lunch, while my wife goes to book club, lunch with her friends then usually some sort of hike or yoga class.

She is back by mid-afternoon at which point she takes back over the kids and I make dinner, maybe do a bit of laundry and clean the floors. On Sundays, it is reversed. I go out with my mates, by mid-afternoon, I return, we have our babysitter come around and we spend the night together.

Recently my wife has come to me saying that I need to start doing more around the house. That I need to do more cleaning, organizing, looking after the kids, grocery shopping, and cooking. I know that she does a lot and I am in no way saying she doesn’t deserve a break, but I am working really hard too.

Especially at the moment. I feel like I do the best I can with how much work I’m doing. I know there is a lot on social media right now about men not doing enough at home, but I never thought I was one of those guys.

I explained this to her and she said I was being ridiculous. That I spend all day having fun at work with my workmates, while she deals with the children and all of the house chores. Then I get home and just eat and go to bed. This isn’t the plan for forever, but I thought it was going alright for now.

Am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“You’re NTJ. I might have said no jerks here because at first, it sounded like you all just needed to renegotiate your expectations. Then it occurred to me your kids are of school age and unless she is home-schooling them, her days aren’t as arduous as she is making them out to be.

Also, “she said… that I spend all day having fun at work with my workmates, while she deals with the children and all of the house chores.” Okay, so hire a babysitter to watch the kids (for the time they’re not in school), and have your wife job shadow you for a day and see what you’re doing at work.

Because it sounds like she hasn’t a clue about what you do all day.” Dittoheadforever

Another User Comments:

“Finger was heading towards the Y when I saw the post title but… NTJ. “By the time I get home, I am exhausted and pretty much eat then collapse into bed.” You’re doing 60-hour weeks, driving a lot & your job is physically demanding.

“On Saturdays, I take my son and daughter out to his soccer games then back home for lunch.” Seems like you’re really doing the best you can here. Like you say, it’s not the plan forever but for now, you’re getting out of debt, then you can revisit things.

Can your wife get support from family/friends if she needs more help? As you don’t really have any capacity to do more than you already are right now.” Apart-Ad-6518

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Now that the kids are school age, your wife could also re-start working and with the extra income, you could drop your hours down and both of you could 50/50 on the housework or 50/50 paying for someone to pick up some of the housework.” lurninandlurkin

“My husband and I have been together for about 4 years, we’re in our late 20s, and I am a few months pregnant.

I work as a teacher’s aide and I make around 34k a year and he works as a financial analyst and makes around 88k a year before his bonus. His job has healthcare benefits and covers us both.

He told me recently that I should quit my job after I have our kid and not go back to work after I recover from childbirth.

He said that there’s no rational reason to go back when he makes twice as much and in the long run will make three times as much as I will. That maintaining the home and taking care of our kid is worth more overall.

I don’t really want to do this because I like my job, so I told him that I could balance the childcare and my job and that he could just help out with the household chores and stuff.

He doesn’t really get my point though cause he then says that the extra money won’t really make a difference in our living standards.

I try to explain that it’s safer having 2 jobs and that I want to work. He’s all like “well you can do hobbies and stuff or get onto the homeowners association or something, you don’t need to work.” I tell him that I don’t want to be someone who just stays at home all day rotting and he gets offended. He says his mom lives the same way and is very happy and that many people in the world would kill for a chance to just not work and live freely, that I am being ungrateful for a good opportunity.

He adds that my job isn’t a career, it’s just “a job” that will never pay a living wage and the wage will never meaningfully increase. Rationally I know he’s right but I got upset and told him “well your job is just typing away at a keyboard and moving numbers around on Excel, some sort of computer program will do your job anyway in a few years, my job will never be replaced” and he’s like “that’s not how it works, but you wouldn’t get it”.

Now was I being the jerk here or was he?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, you don’t need your job to be a career for you to want to work. It’s also not just about money. Your husband is the jerk if he doesn’t understand that some/most human beings need more than kids to feel fulfilled in life.

Also, depending on where you live, being a single-income household is a stupid idea. You would be one stupid mistake away from having zero income if your husband ever gets fired or laid off. For someone in his late 20s, he sure has a childish way of thinking his career is guaranteed. As a side note, having a kid together is going to change your dynamic as a couple.

I don’t care how impossibly in love you guys are, this kid (and any future kids) will change your dynamic and will put some strain on your relationship. I would think twice before completely relying financially on someone else. It’s just not the smartest move.” AcerbicCapsule

Another User Comments:

“34k extra a year can buy a lot. It’s almost 40% of his income. Even if he just barely clears 100k a year with bonuses, an extra third of income is still a good chunk of change. So his argument is nonsense. What OP’s husband really wants is a trophy wife he can control.

He’s not even trying to hide it. OP’s husband is giving OP a very clear picture of what her life will be like in the future. NTJ.” Oscman7

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your husband is not respecting your desire to be out in the world rather than at home cleaning his clothes.

It doesn’t matter a bit that you make less money than him. If YOU want to work, you should. The end. Also, just in case no other woman has told you this with love and concern – Do not let a man, any man, control your choices or isolate you from coworkers, loved ones, or medical professionals.

Once you are completely financially dependent on him, he will control everything. If you go out with a friend for lunch, want new shoes, or go to see a movie, he’d have to pay. He may or may not be a man who wants to isolate and control you, but you cannot assume he isn’t until he’s proven it.

He may simply want to offer you the choice to be a SAHM, or he may have a traditional family picture in his head that you won’t like.” StacyB125

“My BIL and sister recently bought a big chunk of land that includes a couple of houses and an apartment building with the intent to use part of the land for hunting and then rent out the houses and apartment building. My BIL has a career where he works 8+ months of the year, with his contract currently being on a yearly basis and the possibility of the location he is working changing at any second.

So, my sister and BIL are not “home” for most of the year.

They bought this property about two months before my BIL had to head off (he left last week) and my sister and niece are joining him next month. My BIL and sister have been working hard to finish updating the houses/apartments and get tenants in before my sister and niece head out to join my BIL.

However, they didn’t quite get done what they intended before my BIL left.

So, my sister asked my partner and me if we could help her (mostly with painting) over the weekend. I asked if we would be paid for our help. She asked, “why would you?” I declined saying we had better ways to spend our weekend.

My sister said it would be the kind thing to help out a family member. I told her I am not going to be free labor to help her make money, which she and her husband very much don’t need since her husband makes $3 mil a year.

She called me ungrateful and a bad brother and said our dad and brother have helped with the house with no issues. She brought up that she has helped me a lot and referenced her and her husband “letting” me live with them for a year.

In reality, they begged me to live with them to take care of the house while they were away. In reality, they ended up taking advantage of me because they made me pay rent, I had to cut grass, take care of their four dogs (meaning I couldn’t be away for long periods of time), keep the pool and hot tub clean and I wasn’t allowed to have any guests over.

I only lasted a year because they guilted me into being high and dry and luckily by the time they came back, I was at a point in my relationship where I moved in with my partner. I brought up that I was the one doing a favor for them and listed all the other things I’ve helped out with (babysitting my niece, working my BIL’s charity events (and taking photos), helping edit my sister’s social media videos (all for free).

She said I was being ridiculous for bringing all this up and “holding it against her.”

Am I really the jerk here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. They are looking for free labor instead of hiring a paid painting crew. Stand firm and don’t let them guilt you into this.

If they bad mouth you to people, tell them exactly what they were asking for and that they refused any kind of compensation for painting a freaking house.” Discount_Mithral

Another User Comments:

“That’s my thing. If I’m doing projects around the house, I call my friends and they call me for theirs.

If I’m working on a profit-making project? I pay for all labor and help. I could never ask a friend or family member to work for free so I can make money and I decline to help others for free on their business ventures.

That’s how it’s supposed to go, right? NTJ.” TheAnonymoose69

Another User Comments:

“Technically NTJ. She asked for a favor and you declined. You seem very hostile about them making a decent living. You’re not entitled to their money just like they aren’t entitled to your time.

You made it clear that this is about money. You want it because they have it. You already commented that you wouldn’t ask for money if circumstances were different for her. I think that’s the point she was trying to make to you OP. Again you can say no. That’s your choice for whatever reason you feel like.

Just remember in the future when you ask for a favor from them they also have the right to say no.” Help24-7

“I (17M) live with my parents and my younger siblings. We were very close until recently.

My first mom passed away when I was 6 days old. She developed eclampsia in the late stages of her pregnancy with me and she never recovered from it. A few weeks later my dad packed up and moved with me because he couldn’t stay where they were planning a life together.

This left her family behind. She has parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, aunts, uncles, and cousins who were always a very tight-knit family.

My dad met my adoptive mom when I was 7 months old. Out of insecurity on my adoptive mom’s part and a desire to forget the future he had planned with my bio mom, contact between my biological maternal side was limited to once a year.

My adoptive mom didn’t want to “share” the role of mom. She knew my family would want to talk about my bio mom around me and would want me to know that she existed. But she didn’t want to feel like she was less of a true mom.

And my dad has just never gotten over the pain of losing my mom and he buries the past and her to cope. I don’t fully understand why they couldn’t put me first in that decision. But they didn’t.

My childhood was mostly happy. It had some negatives like wishing I knew my family better or had known my mom.

Also, I wasn’t accepted by my adoptive mom’s family so that was always fun.

Then I had more contact with my family. It started with texting, calling, and Zoom calls regularly and then convincing my dad to let me go for a weekend here and there.

He and my mom did not like it and the decision confused my siblings too. I have loved getting to know them and they have loved getting to know me. Grandparents’ rights weren’t an option for them because of that one visit a year. So seeing me more is huge for them.

My parents really started to let me know how much they disliked all this extra contact. My dad said it’s painful and my mom told me she feels less important because I am chasing a relationship that ties to a mom I don’t remember. A couple of weeks ago they told me I should think of them and my adoptive mom’s feelings.

I asked them how they would feel if they were in my bio mom’s shoes or her family’s shoes. If they died while their child was just a baby and they were erased by their spouse and his new spouse, would they be okay with that?

And would they be okay if my siblings or I died with a newborn and they never got to be a real part of their lives? They refused to answer. I told them I didn’t want to speak until they gave me an answer because they were being totally unfair to me.

My parents are angry about this and my siblings asked me why I had to make this such a big deal. So I posed the question if one of us died and we never got to see their only child, would they be okay with that?

It helped them to understand but my parents don’t like my no-talking thing. But all they want to talk about is this topic. And they also won’t give me an answer.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I can relate to this, from the mom’s side.

I inherited my (step)son when he was 10 months old. His mother was around but was allowed very minimal contact. I MADE SURE my now husband answered every time she rang. I coordinated visits with her. Her family lived hours away, and I constantly invited them to contact him as he grew.

Sadly, some years passed and they all dropped contact with him. His bio-mom passed, and her family re-established contact at that time. While it hurts me to hear them reduce me to “stepmom” when I am literally the only mother he has ever known, I am proud that he has a relationship with his maternal family now, because it was never about me.

OP, I’m sorry you didn’t have your bio-mom, and that your father’s wife projected her insecurity and denied you your family. I’m so glad you’re forming a relationship with them now, better late than never. Your father and his wife should be ashamed of themselves.” MelG146

Another User Comments:

“This was heartbreaking to read. You are absolutely NTJ. Your father and (adoptive) mother lack the emotional maturity that people should have prior to becoming parents. Your father experienced the pain of losing his spouse which would have been crushing. However, he had an obligation to you and himself to find healthy ways to work through and learn to live with grief.

Your (adoptive) mother has no excuse; she’s petty and deeply insecure. I’m so sorry this has been your experience. I’ve seen other commenters providing you with excellent advice and words of wisdom. So, all I will offer is the support that you are NTJ and I hope you find lifelong warmth and unconditional love and respect from your maternal family.

All the best.” mast3r_watch3r

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your parents sound really selfish and self-centered. They don’t want you to have much, if any, contact with the relatives from your bio mother’s side of the family, yet at the same time I see you mention “Also I wasn’t accepted by my adopted mom’s family so that was always fun”.

Did your parents just accept that? Because this looks like they don’t want you to know your biological maternal side of the family, while at the same time not letting your mom’s side of the family become a part of your life either, leaving you with nothing there.

And then they dislike that you try to pursue the one side that doesn’t reject you, because of how it makes them feel? Have they even considered how all of this made you feel? Because it sure doesn’t look like it. It’s been 17 years for your father, if it’s painful for him that you are getting closer to that side of the family then he needs help, like therapy, because it’s now negatively affecting his family.

And if your mom feels less important because of this then perhaps she should have fought for you with her own family, instead of letting them effectively not accept you? Sounds like she should have gotten therapy to help her deal with her insecurity issues long ago.

It’s good to see that at least your siblings understand where you are coming from.” Corodix

“So my niece had this lamb toy that she loved. I should also mention that she is really rough on toys, and long story short the poor little fluffball has gone to stuffed animal heaven.

Well, my niece was heartbroken and my sister was telling me how down she has been, so I thought I would get her another one. All of the stuffed lambs that I looked at were just as fragile as before, but when I was getting some treats for my pooch I was struck by the sight of a lambchop dog toy and I had a brilliant idea.

I mean think about it, the lambchop toy is made to be chewed on and clawed on so it should be able to handle the abuse from a toddler.

So I bought it and on Saturday I was watching my niece for my sister and BIL.

I gave my niece the toy and she loved it. She really liked the squeaker, too. So Saturday rolls around, niece is having a blast with Lammy 2.0, and my sister and BIL walk in the door. Of course my niece runs up to her parents and shows them her new toy.

They ooh and aah over it until my niece squeezes the squeaker…and my sister completely loses her temper. Screams, “You bought my baby a dog toy.” BIL just looks at me and tells me I should probably head home.

The aftermath is that my sister sent me a bunch of texts which basically consist of “You bought her a dog toy,” with some choice insults thrown in for good measure.

Our mom asked me what in the world was I thinking. Our stepfather and stepbrother thought it was funny. BIL is quietly amused but is keeping his head down. My sister took the lambchop away and my niece had a meltdown until she gave it back, so now I am getting the double stink eye from her.

And my niece still loves her Fluffball.

So AITJ? I was just trying to make my niece happy.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It’s not like it will do her any harm. It might drive the parents crazy with the squeaking. It’s definitely a thinking outside-the-box solution to please a rough-play toddler.

I’m in the same court as stepfather and stepbrother. This is more funny than outrageous, and will probably make for an excellent family gathering story in the future. Your sister needs a better sense of humor.” Doktor_Seagull

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, it is kind of strange to give a child a dog toy but I’m assuming most of the family knows how rough she is with toys (RIP OG Lammy).

She loved it and it’ll last her a long time, that’s what’s important. I say just give your sister some time to cool off.” FancyStay3660

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, it’s a smart thing to do, I’m taking notes kids don’t care if it’s for dogs or not, they don’t even know.

If it’s safe for them, why not? Plus it will be a funny story to tell in the future for them lmao, “remember when you were such a savage kiddo that auntie/uncle had to buy unbreakable dog toys for you?”” SpookyBarnes

“My SIL is about to have her 4th child, with her 3rd husband.

We used to be very close with her, but we have been very uncomfortable with some of her life choices lately. Maybe we are just being super judgy, but this one was a doozy for us.

My husband and I met because of our dogs.

We were both lonely workaholics entering our 30s without much to call our own. We both got puppies, raised them alone, and then met at a dog park when they were 2 years old. We fell in love and got married, with our dogs. Our dogs went on our honeymoon with us.

We were able to buy a house, with a great yard for the dogs. We had kids. We both know that everything in our lives changed when we got our dogs. Everything we have now started with them.

We took them everywhere with us, and they were big dogs, so we had to really train and work with them.

For the most part, people were delighted by them. Our family was mostly just tolerant of the fact that our dogs would be coming to Thanksgiving dinners and Halloween parties, but they knew how important they were to us. My SIL had us over, with dogs, and visited us quite a lot until her most recent relationship.

Just before she got with Hubby3, our female dog had a sudden death. We were devastated. We grieved like neither of us had ever grieved for a loved one. She was such a huge part of our lives, of our family, we still cry every time we talk about her 2 years later.

SIL had a baby with Hubby3, and they named the baby after a Greek god. It was an odd choice, and one that poor child will have to deal with all their life, but ok.

She is now preggo with their 2nd child, and informed my husband that they were naming the child the same name as our deceased dog.

Now, our dog wasn’t named Mary or Sophie or anything common. And SIL did break this news to him in a way that said she knows it’s going to freak us out. But she insisted she wasn’t naming the baby after our dog, she just really likes the name.

Let’s say her name was Saska. There is no way everyone in our family and all of our friends are not going to be weirded out that she is naming her baby the same name as our beloved dog.

We haven’t said anything about it to her, I don’t know what I would even say, but I think we are avoiding her now partly because of this.

Are we just being way too sensitive or is this really as weird and awkward as it feels for us?”

Another User Comments:

“Hey. I understand where you’re coming from. The dogs have played a very important part in your life and one tends to get attached (and possessive) to them over time.

Coming to why it’s okay for your SIL to name her child the same name: 1) Must be a really cool name. And it gets to live on this way. You should be proud. 2) You might be able to form a beautiful bond with the baby when it’s born.

Sometimes, it is not about one-upping the other/being exclusive. 3) Names are universal. Everyone and anyone can use them. And your SIL was gracious enough to inform you guys about it in advance. 4) I don’t think she took this decision just to annoy or irritate you guys.

So, take it easy. Be happy for them. And be proud that they chose a name that was your precious doggo’s.” carpenterplumber20

Another User Comments:

“YTJ Not only are you being super judgmental of your SIL, but it sounds like you annoyed your family by bringing your big dogs to their houses all the time.

You’re lucky she wants to use the name.” Icy_Sky_7521

Another User Comments:

“Obviously you know you don’t own the name, but it’s not really a jerk move to want to avoid your sister-in-law for telling you she is doing something that she knows will freak you out.

Has SIL even considered that her 3 older children will be quite aware that their new sibling is named after their aunt and uncle’s dog? That child will never hear the end of it from her siblings. Every time she wants something, they will tell her to sit up and beg.

Every time she acts up, they will tell her to go lie down. It will never end. “SIL had a baby with Hubby3, and they named the baby after a Greek god.” Well, at least little Zeus or whatever is off the hook. You’re NTJ.

Sister-in-law is the jerk for doing this to her baby.” Dittoheadforever