People Request Our Frame of Mind Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories

“I have four bridesmaids, all of whom okay with an out-of-state party and gave price points.

My number one location was Puerto Rico, after further research, all but one of my bridesmaids was okay with the price for the length of stay. So, we moved to Florida, but she said that was a problem because the flight was too expensive and she didn’t want to drive that far.

We decided to look into the Carolinas, then settled on North Carolina. No one was really excited but I was willing to make it work.

At that point, I just wanted a place to stay on the beach because I never experienced that before. Even that became out of her price range.

Finally, I verbalized finding something in her price point was becoming challenging. She said that she could bow out so I could have the bachelorette party I wanted without any restrictions or regrets. She said she and I could do something with just us or locally as a group.

She said she would respect my decision. I thought it was mature and self-aware of her.

I took some time to think about it and decided to go with the original plan of PR but without her. I told her this and she did not take it well.

She mentioned how her stating she would respect my decision was her being nice and verbalizing where she stood in her price range. She said she would have never put me in the position if the roles were reversed and would have chosen to just have a nice dinner instead.

She said she was reconsidering being in the wedding and our friendship as a whole since I wanted to go on a trip without her. I said she and I could celebrate together with a day trip/overnight trip or locally as a group like she suggested, and she said that was a consolidation prize and I would be singling her out.

This all has felt like unnecessary drama to me.

So, am I a jerk for wanting to go on the original trip knowing she can’t join?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Good on you for trying to include her, but the way this has played out shows you made the right decision, so also good on you for drawing the line & not budging in the face of her petulant attempts to manipulate.

She shouldn’t have said she’d respect your decision if she had no intention of doing so.

You took her at her word, I think reasonably. If she needed someone else to pay her way, she could have easily said so vs. engaging in this runaround over venues.

I’m sorry you had any hassle at all, but it sounds like you’ll have a blast without her. Safe travels, and best wishes!” FiresideChatBot

Another User Comments:

“Not the jerk here. She’s trying to make your once-in-a-lifetime girl trip about her… it’s your bachelorette party.

Literally, a party solely focused on you. If she can’t afford it even after that many accommodations AND offered to back out, then you most definitely should go for the trip you originally wanted! It’s not her life event, it’s yours. You tried so many times to make things fit for her.

Leave no regrets in life. This is your trip… go celebrate with everyone else who is there for you.

It’s weird she’s making this so focused on herself. Like you guys agreed, celebrate locally in addition to your Bach party. No one should expect their friend to just not have a Bach party or to have a crappy one because one person can’t afford it.” TortillaRick

“I (27 m) am the 3rd of 4 siblings and have always felt like an afterthought.

Laurie (33 f), Chuck (29 m), and Jade (25 f) have always gotten the first and best from my parents and each other. I get the leftovers if I’m lucky. I haven’t gotten a birthday present from any of my siblings in about 10 years, but I still get asked to pitch in for group gifts for each of them every year.

On Friday night we were having a family dinner and it honestly felt like every other sentence was a dig at me or a less-than-subtle brag by my siblings about something they had been given by my parents that I was denied. They talked about how nice almost all of our weddings were but made sure to mention it was ‘Okay’ that my wife and I had a small low-key wedding.

And it was okay, we loved it. But they brushed over the fact that my parents paid for all of my siblings’ weddings… but not mine. Because somehow they couldn’t afford it… because they were saving up for Jade’s wedding.

​They brought up how little student loans they have… because my parents helped them.

All of them lived on campus at expensive 4-year schools. I lived at home and went first to a (very prestigious, very hard to get into) watchmaking school. I got paid to attend this school… so I paid rent at home. My parents paid for my tools.

And I appreciate the help. I really do. But they paid 120-150k each for my siblings… they gave me 7k for tools. But to them it’s equal. When I went back to school on my own I didn’t ask for money and wasn’t offered it.

When my brother went back to school they covered EVERYTHING without him even having to ask.

There were many other small moments (comments about cars and other lifestyle choices) but what made me snap was my brother and his wife mentioning their marriage being so great because they do things like spontaneous dates, like the one they had the prior Friday night.

The Friday night when my parents called my wife and me at the last minute to cancel plans they had to eat dinner at our house because they had to watch Chuck’s kids because of an ’emergency’. Turns out that ’emergency’ was a dinner for Chuck and my SIL at Texas Roadhouse.

I had spent HOURS making my grandpa’s ziti and meatballs with homemade marinara because it’s my mom’s favorite.

I wanted more than anything to scream at them but instead, I got up and left without saying a word and my wife followed me. when my mom called me later to ask why I left I just explained exactly why.

I explained the favoritism, the unfairness, and the fact that it doesn’t feel like they care about me. She didn’t say much and I wasn’t really looking for an explanation or an apology at the moment, I just felt like it was self-evident but if she really didn’t see it I’d spell it out.

Evidently at least parts of what I said have been shared with my siblings because now Chuck and Laurie are furious at me and saying I ruined dinner and my mom is upset that I am hurt. They say I’m immature for ‘keeping score’.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“No, YNTJ. Here is the thing. You are not entitled to your parent’s money, and they don’t owe you any of it. If you have not needed it and the others have, your parents might have made a reasonable choice. That does not mean that the choice will not rankle, particularly when not explained. And that is very different than the dinner fiasco. You are justifiably angry, and handled it pretty well – you left rather than stay and make a scene.

They treat you like Cinderella and then judge you when you notice it. I would tell Chuck to keep his judgments to himself. All that said, you probably ought to figure out how to let it go and forgive, for your own sake. Good luck.” tomjedrz

Another User Comments:

“Doesn’t sound like YTJ, assuming no vital details have been omitted but why are you subjecting yourself to them? I wouldn’t waste time and energy hanging around them or keeping track of their slights – I’d be forming a chosen family of supportive friends.

How does your wife’s family treat you? If they have embraced you with warmth, nurture those relationships and go low contact with your siblings. How some or all react will confirm your feelings one way or the other and guide you to either go no contact or reduce interaction to family events that include other relatives who actually care about your well-being.

But don’t hang around people who likely have likely been bamboozling your parents since early childhood, maybe look into counseling to help you shake off the emotional residue.” Lhamo55

“I (33 f) have been with my partner (45 m) for over a year now. When we first got together, it wasn’t really meant to be a long-term thing just a hook-up. Well, he came to stay with me for a few days and that turned into him moving in.

It was a long series of events, a friend he was living with went out of town (confirmed this), then I got sick and he isolated with me for 2 weeks which ended up with him losing the job he had. He doesn’t have a license (DUI) so I would always go drive and pick him up.

But then he didn’t have a license or a job and we just decided that he could stay with me because I lived in a one-bedroom by myself.

After staying with me for a few months, he started wanting to go everywhere with me and do everything with me.

Like I worked for a guy bagging coffee and my partner wanted to go to work with me because I was bored since I was the only employee so I worked by myself 99% of the time. Then he mouthed off to the guy I worked for which ended up costing my job because the guy wanted to change my contract and pay me next to nothing.

Basically dropped my pay until I quit.

So anyway, we have been working for a grocery delivery service together for almost a year now. It’s helpful to have him with me but I don’t necessarily need him with me to do the job.

It’s all under my name. So basically, the apartment is in my name, the bills are in my name, the job is in my name and the bank account is in my name. He prefers to live as a ghost. I have been talking for months about how we can’t afford to keep living off this grocery delivery service job and how we both needed to start looking for jobs.

Every time I bring it up, he gets all mad because he owes back child support so they would take it out of his paycheck if he got a regular job.

Yesterday I decided enough was enough and started applying for jobs. I told him that he needed to start looking for ways to make money as well, whether it’s cash jobs or whatever.

But we need money to pay the bills that are stacking up. His solution is to donate plasma and try to sell stuff on Etsy, he’s great at taking photos of cars. I told him this wasn’t enough because we needed money now not waiting and hoping we could get the money by selling stuff online.

Now he’s all mad at me because ‘he’s not going to make any money if he gets a job’. I told him that he has to face the consequences of decisions at some point if he wants to move forward in life or if we want to live a better life than what we are living now.

He tells me I’m just stressing about money because we have had a few slow days. Mind you we are always barely scraping by at the end of the month to pay rent.

So AITJ for wanting him to go find a job to bring in money?”

Another User Comments:

“Definitely NTJ. You want him to contribute. That’s reasonable. But let’s also look at what he has ‘contributed’ so far. He’s moved in for free, uses you as a chauffeur service, and he costs you your job. Why? Because he’s a lazy mooch with obvious boundary issues.

The real question is this: why on earth are you still with him? He’s a quintessential taker and an immature one at that. He wants to live as a ‘ghost’? Do you know why? Because of his past. Child support. Criminal convictions. All of that will catch up with him once he goes back on the radar.

And it will catch up with you too.

He’s right about one thing – having a job won’t make him money. Him having a job = him having his wages garnished. Before you fall into a trap, I’ll give you this piece of advice: do NOT sign up for a job (gig economy or otherwise) in your name that he works.

NTJ” ironchef8000

Another User Comments:

“Funny, you live with a guy who doesn’t want to work because he will have to pay for his child support!? Imagine if he treats his child like that how he will treat you. NTJ for asking him to get the job, but kinda dumb to live with him – he is useless and you already know it as your job can’t cover your expenses and he doesn’t care.

Just break up already and find someone who actually loves their family and will take up responsibility and care about you. He just uses you because you are convenient and not bright enough to see it.” forgeris

“My (28 f) husband (31 m) and I have two young boys – 8 months and 2.5 years old. Ever since we had our first, my MIL has been overbearing, not respecting boundaries, and very opinionated about my parenting. My FIL always used to tell her it’s not her place.

Well, my FIL very suddenly passed away almost two years ago. Ever since then, she has ALWAYS used the ‘my husband died and I’m depressed’ card to get anything she wants. I loved my FIL dearly and he was a funny, loving, smart, and very charismatic man.

We all miss him so dearly.

She wants us to ALWAYS take the boys to her, at her place (only 20 minutes away, she used to live much closer, but when my FIL died she sold their house and bought a smaller one further away). But we have to pack soooo much for the boys to spend a few hours at her place.

Not to mention the boys and my husband have pretty bad asthma, and she has a malamute husky and two cats, and there’s sooooo much hair and dandruff there. She refuses to vacuum, only sweeps. And refuses to get an air purifier. The boys and my husband immediately start coughing and wheezing when we go there.

She won’t baby-proof her house or block stairs, so the entire time we’re running after the toddler and keeping the baby from eating pet hair. She insisted on us going over there for Christmas, and that all Christmases will always be at her house, so she can have traditions with the boys, and when we dare say no she always pulls the dead husband card.

My BIL (33 m) who lives with her will text us and say ‘Great job guys, you made her cry’. My husband doesn’t want to ever argue with her.

We always invite her here at our house to see the boys, and have dinner with us… she turns us down and gets offended, and says ‘What’s wrong with my house?’ She offers to babysit for us, and if we say yes, she insists she take the boys to her house only, we politely ask her to stay here with the boys, and she is offended again and says no.

Note: she is a healthy and active 55-year-old woman, she works and drives and hangs out with friends outside of work and is involved in the community. It’s not like she’s older and can’t get around and come to us.

Are we the jerks for wanting her to come to our house to see the boys?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Remember when you were teaching your boys something, and you knew that if you gave in, then it would be twice as hard the next time? (for example: they want a cookie before dinner, you say ‘no’ and they fuss but you know if you give in, then the next time when you say no, it will be twice as hard and their fussing will be twice as long).

This is the same thing.

It will be hard to set boundaries with your MIL and the first couple of times it will be awful, BUT stick to your guns, as it will get easier and easier. Oh and when your BIL messages an accusation of upsetting MIL, just reply ‘sorry’ and leave it at that.

He is messaging because he doesn’t want to have to deal with her tantrums.

Lastly, when she pulls the ‘my husband died’ you reply’ I know, and we all miss him, but if you want to see the boys you will have to come here’ Oh, and – Christmas shouldn’t have to be at her house, because your kids are small, and Santa comes to your house, it’s much better for them to not have to pack up and go to Grandma’s house for Christmas.

(but what you say is ‘We want to treat you, so you don’t have to clean and cook, etc, so we will host Christmas at our house because you lost your husband and we know how difficult it will be for you.’ IF she says ‘it’s not difficult at all’ then the next time she pulls the ‘I lost my husband card, you remind her that she said it wasn’t that difficult’)” MissSuzieSunshine

Another User Comments:

“You and your husband are both jerks for allowing this to happen. Why aren’t you protecting your asthmatic children from an environment that literally does them harm?! Why aren’t you both prioritizing life choices that will allow your kids to wake up in their own beds Christmas morning, open their presents, and play with them over doing something to make your MIL happy?

When in fact, she will never ever be happy because she will always want more.

Sit down with your husband and don’t discuss your MIL at all. Discuss what kind of life is best for your children and you as a family. What traditions do the two of you want to start for them?

How to protect their health. Figure out what that life looks like and prioritize THAT. Your MIL can fit in wherever you choose to fit her in around that, but not at the expense of a happy, healthy life for your own family. She will be unhappy if you say no. You will be unhappy if you say yes.

Someone is going to be unhappy. Don’t let it be you.” bickets

“My wife filed for divorce in 2015 and after much contention, things were slowly settling out until the fall of 2022 when my son attended his first semester at college.

BACKGROUND: During the course of a very nasty divorce, I was out of money. We, of course, had to divide all our assets. I was nearing bankruptcy and had to use my half of our 529 plan to pay legal bills. I liquidated the entire account, paid the penalty, and handed my wife her full (no penalty) half of the 529 plan as well.

Turns out she had to spend it too.

To calm the situation I voluntarily offered to ‘cover tuition and college expenses’ for the entire balance (her half and mine) – and even voluntarily wrote this total amount into the divorce agreement. I purposefully didn’t say how, because quite frankly I didn’t have a clue at the time (loans, extra job, etc).

CURRENT SITUATION: Fast forward to the fall of 2022, my son goes to a private college, hands me a tuition bill, and after a legal consult, I used my Post 9/11 GI Bill from my military service to pay it in full as promised (I was originally planning on using it myself but took steps years ago to be able to transfer it to my children if ever needed).

HER SIDE: My ex-wife tells everyone including my kids on a family chat that (a) I ‘stole the kids’ college money’ and need to re-fund ‘their’ 529 dollar-for-dollar and (b) says divorcing military veterans ‘can’t use GI Bills to pay legal/court-ordered debts.’ She has told all my kids these claims repeatedly despite legal correction that she is incorrect.

My son now says what I did is (no longer) ‘illegal’ but definitely ‘immoral’ and has now estranged from me for over a year now with no thaw in sight.

MY SIDE: I believe I am simply keeping a legal promise to my ex-wife by voluntarily covering the entire 529 balance after we BOTH spent the 529 cash – and keeping a verbal promise to my kids to always try to help them through college despite a crushing divorce that nearly caused my foreclosure.

Apparently, that was never good enough with my wife and son saying I should ‘repay the 529 AND give the entire GI Bill too’ – wow the damage to my family has been incredible.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ: a) Your wife is the one who filed for divorce, meaning she is the one who triggered the need to use the 529 plan, which she equally spent.

Neither of you stole YOUR money, you repurposed it. b) You have no responsibility, legal or otherwise whatsoever to pay for college for your kid much less pay for ALL of college. c) you have even less responsibility to pay for your kid’s college when he’s spitting on you while taking your money.

Falling on your own sword might seem noble, but it isn’t. Your primary responsibility here is to yourself and your future. You are no longer married, and your adult son is spitting in your face. Cut your losses and start taking care of yourself – you really can’t afford not to.” Proof_Option1386

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. 529 plans are the legal property of the owner (parent), not the beneficiary. That 529 plan was never your son’s money to begin with, so you couldn’t have stolen it from him. If I understand correctly, you agreed to cover tuition and other expenses up to the amount of the balance of the 529 plans that were liquidated, and your son’s share of the GI benefits will more than makeup for the depleted 529 plans.

However, you also mention that the GI benefits last three years.

Assuming your son is in a traditional four-year bachelor’s degree, you may want to explain to him that the GI benefits run out after the Spring of 2025 and he should consider talking to his mom to see if she’ll cosign his loans for his last year of college.

Since he doesn’t approve of your support, and she spent half the money from the 429 accounts, and the gift of your GI benefits covered more expenses than the 529 plan would have, your obligations for his college expenses will be completed. So, he’s going to need to talk to Mom to see if she’ll help with his senior year.” teresajs

“I (24 F) have been with my partner (25 M) for three and a half years. He knows I am a bit specific about certain things like tidying up or how I like to cook certain dishes and not to annoy him with those, I always make sure that I make them myself.

Now, my morning coffee is very specific. I like 2 teaspoons of instant coffee, with 2 teaspoons of hazelnut syrup, filled to half the cup with boiling water and the rest filled with oat milk, and I like that in my specific morning coffee mug.

I do realize that I sound very annoying, but because I am aware of that I always make it myself and would never ask for someone to make me my coffee exactly like that.

When my colleagues are making me a coffee, I take whatever they make me and I say thank you very much.

For three and a half years, my partner has seen me make my morning coffee this way and got fed up with me refusing him to make coffee for me so I have shown him several times exactly how I like it.

But still, every time he makes it for me, it’s not the right dose of coffee or hazelnut syrup, or it isn’t the right cup (I can get over that one to be fair). And I swear I do not want to be that annoying, but the coffee just doesn’t taste how I am craving for it to taste.

It’s like my body isn’t satisfied with it and I keep craving my coffee until I get it, but I don’t want to have two coffees in the morning. I have told my partner that I appreciate his gesture but to let me make my coffee in the morning.

This morning, he got annoyed when he asked me if I wanted coffee in bed and I said no I’ll make it. He said, ‘I know you’re gonna get up and make one, just trust me.’ So I trusted him, and he made me a machine espresso coffee with a bit of syrup and some milk.

I said thanks, but I don’t want to drink machine espresso in the morning (never have I ever drank machine coffee in front of him, I don’t like it and only ever buy capsules for him because I am able to remember how he likes his coffee).

He got really angry at me and told me he was just trying to be nice and I was being a jerk about it.

I very much disagree, it has been freaking 3 and a half years and I have shown him at least 10 times how I like my coffee.

At this stage, I just think he is trying to make a point that I will like any coffee but I just don’t, I can taste the difference and I don’t understand why he won’t just make me coffee that I like if he’s that desperate to make me a coffee.

Once again, I have never asked him to do that for me. I do not feel grateful for the gesture at all either.

But am I being a spoiled jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but I do consider this a red flag If after 3 years and multiple times of you SHOWING HIM exactly how you want your coffee made and he chooses to do basically the exact opposite of that while simultaneously being angry with you about it… I mean, what else is there?

It’s weird he’s this obsessed with it. If he’s making you espresso I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s him being a coffee snob trying to ‘prove’ to you that your instant coffee is inferior. It’s even weirder that he’s mad about it. You’re far more patient than me.

I would be angry with HIM for trying to force this on me, making his weirdness MY problem, and after 3 years of not giving enough care about me that he’d mess up my morning coffee. Why is he taking this so personally? And under the guise of ‘being nice’, this isn’t nice at all” aclownandherdolly

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. At least based on how you’re describing the situation, you just like your coffee a certain way and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I don’t know what it is your partner is trying to do or what he wants to convey to you, but he’s not doing a very good job of it and I think that more than anything is what’s frustrating him.

I think it’s fair to say that initially he probably did want to just do it as a kindness, but somewhere along the way after failing so many times, it’s no longer about simply wanting to make you coffee but some weird prideful retaliation on his part.

It could be that what’s bothering him is completely unrelated to the coffee, but since this is a point of frustration for him, he’s lashing out at you in this sort of passive-aggressive way.” Own_Shame_8721

“I (29 F) had my first baby 3 months ago… from literally the time my baby was born my SO’s parents were non-stop visiting. I was in the hospital for 48 hours due to a c-section and had his divorced parents and their SOs visit multiple times each.

My issue begins here with his father’s SO, we’ll call her Jane.

For context, Jane made no effort to reach out during the entire pregnancy and only ever texted me once on the morning of the scheduled C-section.

Immediately upon entering the hospital room Jane runs over to the bassinet and grabs my few-hour-old baby from it without asking or even washing her hands.

I was beyond exhausted and out of it that at the time I didn’t say anything, which I regret.

Fast forward the next 6 weeks, they constantly wanted to visit… when they did visit they wanted to sit there hold my baby, and take photos.

Jane would show up with gifts for the baby and my SO and nothing for me. And never once offering to help with anything or bring by coffee or food, nothing.

I logged on to social media one morning after they had visited and Jane had posted photos of my baby blabbering on about how ‘nana loves her’… and proceeded to give an inaccurate birth date in the comments.

I told my partner that this bothered me as she did not ask permission to post photos of our baby online and I would like them removed. Jane makes a huge stink over the matter saying she’s being targeted and ‘everyone else’ can post but her.

I explained my stance and somehow it blew up into her feeling like she only has the title of a grandparent but can’t do the ‘duties’ of one… because I wouldn’t let her change my baby’s diaper. His father doesn’t seem to get where I’m coming from either but my SO told him that Jane needs to apologize and understand that there are boundaries that need to be respected.

It has now been well over a month and the holidays have come and gone… haven’t heard a peep from them since. Until this week… she passed along Christmas gifts to my SO. There were 5 gifts… 1 made out to my SO, 1 to our baby, and the other 3 were made out to his sister and her SO.

I immediately knew she did this so I would see that she gave everyone a gift except me as she had seen his sister the weekend before and could have given her the gifts and I know she has met the sister’s SO twice, yet he gets gifts but not the mother of the baby you love to much.

I sat on it for a day and thought about it all and decided I had received nothing but disrespect from her from the beginning and that I was 1. Saying she isn’t welcome in our house again and 2. She isn’t welcome to touch/hold our baby.

AITJ for saying she is no longer welcome at our home and she isn’t welcome to hold our baby?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You are the parent and you decide who you want and don’t want around your child. Now my issue is with your man who I have not heard you once say stood up for you during this exclusion and mistreatment.

I do wonder if the both of you were ever close before the pregnancy.

No one should be unsanitary around a baby, taking and posting photos without permission, and purposefully getting everyone gifts and excluding the mother. I would have had an issue with my man if I were you because God no.

Now I don’t think giving rules really works in this situation because your partner never caught on and stood up for you. I would also be petty and give her that same energy back. In this circumstance, my partner would be told that not only has your stepmom disrespected me in my presence multiple times through exclusion and boundary-breaking, but you have followed suit by not catching on and standing up for me.

Reiterate all of the examples listed in this post and ask him how he’d feel if your family treated him the way Jane treats you. For now, you and your baby need a break from her and you shouldn’t be scared to cut her off and go full no contact.” SubstantialYouth9106

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. But… your partner needs to deal with his family, you deal with yours. I personally wouldn’t announce the rules, but every time they ask to come I would be too busy to have them visit. When it comes to a head your partner can say ‘Oh, sorry, it’s just that Jane has made it really clear she isn’t keen to see coffeequeen so we’re just respecting that.

If Jane wants to start to recognize coffeequeen and be a bit warmer, then I will talk to coffeequeen about it and see what we can arrange’. I wouldn‘t just leave them with an auto-invite at a minimum! I assume rules 1 & 2 mean you’ll go visit them on occasion, and you won’t pass over the baby.

Be prepared for more childish stunts. She sounds DELIGHTFUL in a really manipulative/annoying way.” Particular-Try5584

“I (51 f) am the second youngest child of 8. Growing up there was a constant unfairness and favoritism between my siblings from my parents. My sister ‘Cathy’, who I am 18 months apart from, and I would always get the short end of the stick when we were younger.

Cathy and I got pulled out of private school and put into public high school so my parents could pay for my older sister’s university.

In high school, I participated in many things like ASB and swimming, but my parents never showed up for anything or gave us rides to school so we had to walk.

When it came time to apply to college, my parents only gave Cathy and me two options: community college or a university that my two older brothers went to.

In 2015, my dad (82 m) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. When his condition got worse in 2016, I would visit daily.

He passed away in late May of 2016. After he passed, the favoritism from my mom got even worse since my dad would normally mitigate it.

Fast forward to 2021, my mom (83 f) began planning how her possessions would be dispersed after she passed. She called all of the siblings up to her house so that we could make lists and plan on who received what.

Many people wrote lengthy lists that she promised they would receive. I wanted a few sentimental items, photos of my parents, and a specific ring that my mother owns called the ‘mother’s ring’ that has the birthstones of all of her children.

When I gave her my list, she told me that if I wanted the ring, it would be the only thing I would inherit, and beforehand she would remove its stones and give them to other siblings.

This sparked an emotional argument, as I asked for much less than other people, and she said I didn’t deserve more. We started bringing up things from the past, with me mentioning how she mistreated me, and she completely blew me off. I then tearfully told her I wished she had died instead of our father because he would have treated his children much more fairly in this situation.

This hurt her greatly because she has never recovered from the loss of her husband, and despite her behavior, she does love all of her children.

After this happened, our relationship was never the same. We didn’t speak for many months and every time I would see her, I would only say hello and goodbye.

She hasn’t apologized for what she has done in the past or about the mother’s ring. I do feel like what I said was harsh but I won’t apologize for it since I think someone needed to give her a reality check for how badly she has treated some of the siblings and it was a moment of pent-up resentment I held down for many years.

Even now, my mom’s plan is to only give me the mother’s ring with no stones in it and nothing else.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“I’m gonna go with NTJ because I can understand a little of what kind of pain would trigger that kind of outburst. This is just me talking, but honestly?

I’d just tell my mom that she doesn’t need to destroy her mother’s ring to show me she cares nothing for me. I asked for so little and the only way she’ll give it to me is ‘ruined’. That I pity her because the only things that seem to bring her happiness are pouring her love into her oldest daughter and hurting her other children.

Just keep it, I don’t want it anymore.

Her no longer being in the world will be inheritance enough because it’ll mean I finally have a chance to be free of her idea of ‘love’. I’m also a very angry person from a lifetime of trauma and saying this would be cathartic for me.

Doesn’t mean it should actually be said, but like I said. I get it, at least a little. Take care of yourself, OP. You deserve far more than you were ever given and now it’s up to you to get what you need from other sources.” Special-Dimension158

Another User Comments:

“Your mother does not have the capability of being accountable and emotionally intelligent. If she did you would have had a different experience. She is waiting to die and will not suddenly become someone who apologizes for her cruelty towards her children.

Pretty sure she has hurt you and your siblings much worse and repeatedly than the comment you made. She doesn’t care that she has hurt you and your siblings. It’s up to you if you want to see your mother before she dies.

NTJ” Neonpinx

“I (30 F) have an older sister (32 F). We’re honestly not close in adulthood, and we did not get along well as kids.

We see each other a few times a year at family gatherings that include our parents/grandparents. We don’t really text/call or talk to check in otherwise. It’s a civil/surface-level relationship and I don’t mind it!

My sister, however, doesn’t put any more effort into the relationship than I do, but I think she has unrealistic expectations of our relationship.

My sister doesn’t put effort into our relationship on a regular basis, but during times of need, she expects me to flip a switch and play sister for her at her convenience.

Ex: she got married two years ago and she was up my butt for the year prior to her wedding because she needed me for all of my maid of honor duties that I was doing for her.

Two days after the wedding, I couldn’t even get a text back from her. This is just how things go between us. She feels very entitled to a one-sided relationship with me at her discretion, however, I really don’t care to participate in that.

A year ago, she reached out to me to tell me she miscarried via text. I told her I was sorry to hear this and I was thinking of her and her husband. I am not close with her, we hadn’t spoken for a few months prior to that, because we don’t regularly talk, and I thought this was plenty enough based on the relationship we have.

However, she became extremely upset with me and things have not been cool since. She has lashed out at me so many times, and my fiancé, claiming I’m nasty, insensitive, and the most horrible person she’s ever met. She says I should’ve said more/done more/etc., but can’t articulate what exactly she wanted/expected out of me.

It’s been so bad that she couldn’t attend my wedding last month and we had to have separate Christmases, and this is pretty much a hill that she’s willing to die on. I don’t understand what I did, nor does my fiancé or any of my friends.

Thoughts?”

Another User Comments:

“I’m going to have to go with YTJ. You responded to some traumatic and sad news without personalization, almost like a copy-and-paste job off Google, and didn’t check in on her a few days later. Nobody is saying, given your relationship (or lack of), that you should drop everything and spend months by her side hugging her, but given that you had a neutral relationship rather than a negative one, you could’ve treated her with more empathy and compassion.

Send some flowers… get her a gift card for food delivery perhaps… message her every few days to see how she is doing… simple yet thoughtful gestures that could go a long way.

When an initial message is received from a family member with devastating news for them, a bit more personalization would also be a better response.

Outside this issue, you and your sister need to learn how to properly communicate. It appears you both have varying perceptions of how close you both are, regardless of how your behaviors are interpreted. It appears your sister believes you are closer than you think, and you just feel neutral and that your sister generally communicates with you when life events of hers (happy like a wedding, sad like a miscarriage) take place.

I think you both would benefit from a proper conversation, with or without the presence of a therapist, to establish what you both would like from the relationship, how to compromise, and how you can move on going forward. It isn’t sustainable, nor fair, for the wider family to duplicate and make separate events to keep you both apart.

If you both do wish to have a better relationship, then maybe the first step in apologizing for the miscarriage response could be to donate to a miscarriage charity in memory of the baby.” majesticjewnicorn

Another User Comments:

“All I will say on this is that people interpret ‘loose family relations’ vastly differently.

In my family, it isn’t unusual to not call/see each other for a year or longer, and still, everyone would come over if something where the matter or someone needed help– always. You interpret her ‘lack of commitment’ as disinterest; she might just be comfortable with this level of communication without thinking any less of you.

I’m not saying this is definitely what happened, hence no vote from me, but I know from personal experience that individuals can interpret the same familial relationship drastically differently. If that is what’s going on, you might have broken her heart. That doesn’t mean she isn’t being unreasonable about this (and really bad at communicating), but it might be worth a thought.” IFightWhales

“I live full-time at my mom’s, my stepdad has 3 kids (2 boys and 1 girl) who split time pretty evenly between his and their mom’s place.

About 3 days ago they came over for I believe the next 3 weeks. When they are over me and my stepsister share a room.

I really don’t want to sound like I’m spoiled but I HATE when they come over. They’re loud, annoying, and always cause a stupid amount of commotion.

I think 2 days ago tho, we were all in the living room, I was reading while a movie was playing.

Just like always I heard some sort of commotion and when I looked up the 2 boys were full-on wrestling on the floor. I didn’t mind it too much but the thudding was causing the floor to shake (we were upstairs). I was already getting annoyed but then my stepsister turned the volume up to a stupid loud volume to tune them out which made it almost impossible to focus on my reading.

Then while the 2 were rough housing they full on stumbled right on top of me.

To their credit when they got off of me they did apologize and I knew they didn’t mean it but I was MAD, I cussed them out pretty hard. My stepsister tried to chime in telling me to calm down and I snapped at her too cause she turned the volume up way more than needed. The 2 stepbrothers didn’t say much but my stepsister got pretty mad and clapped back at me.

After like 30 seconds I realized I was getting more heated than I needed too and just walked away. While I was walking away to our room I said something like ‘How about you guys just go live with your mom full-time? God.’

After that, I didn’t hear from either till around bed time when my stepsister came in.

I didn’t say anything to her but she called me a ‘stupid jerk’ and went straight to bed. My 2 stepbrothers don’t really care what I said but I don’t even think they were paying attention to anything I said but my stepsister is ignoring me hard.

Like flat-out won’t answer me if I ask her specifically a question.

So I’m curious now. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Just apologize. You have to share space with them for the next couple of years and will likely continue to see them during the holidays as an adult.

Find a way to get along, try to find some common ground, and find something to like about them. And I invite you to think about what it feels like to them. They have to go between two different houses, and in one house, there are other kids who are displaced during their visits and not particularly welcoming.

So yeah, you are inconvenienced, but it also sucks for them. I’m not going to call you a jerk because you are 16, and you are still learning how to be a good human being. But you will be a jerk if you don’t apologize.” Dreamer-1

Another User Comments:

“Okay: no jerks here. All sounds like pretty typical childish behaviour, from you as well as from them. You don’t like having to share your room with your stepsister, and that sucks: your stepbrothers wrestle for fun in the living room and land on top of you, that’s annoying: your stepsister plays music much louder than you’d like, that’s annoying: you said something awful and immature, and you should apologize to them for that.

Where are your mom and stepdad in all of this? Fine, they were out for dinner when this incident actually happened, but it’s pretty clear your unhappiness (and to be clear, it’s evident your stepsister is no happier about having to share a room with YOU) has been going on for a while.

You need to talk to your mom and stepdad about what happened, and about how unhappy you are, and don’t forget to admit what you said to your stepsiblings.

Blended families don’t just ‘happen’ by throwing four kids together and expecting them to be friends.

The parents have got to work at it, and it’s no use blaming either you or your stepsister or your stepbrothers for not getting along when made to live together.” Enough-Process9773

“I (16 M) have my mom’s last name. She and my dad were married but she kept her last name and he kept his. Then when I was born I got my mom’s last name. When I was 8 my mom died and when I was 11 my dad remarried. My little sister is 13.

My stepmother came into the marriage with three kids of her own. The older two have a different dad from her younger kid. Their dads are deadbeats and my stepsiblings never knew them.

My dad and stepmother had a baby together last year. He has both their last names.

My stepsiblings were upset when he got to match both dad and stepmother and they were upset dad didn’t adopt them. So the suggestion was made for dad to adopt them and my stepmother to adopt me and my sister then we all take the hyphenated name ‘dad’s last name-stepmother’s last name’.

I said no to both and told them I didn’t want to be adopted or to have my name changed. My sister said she didn’t really want to but said if it was a big deal for Dad she would agree. He thanked her.

For the next few months, my dad and stepmother told me all the reasons they felt these changes were good and important.

They brought a therapist in to speak to me and the therapist told me it would be okay to be adopted and to have the security my stepmother could provide if she were my legal mother.

I never changed my mind and told them I still would not consent to the adoption.

Once they (sorta kinda maybe) accepted that they told me to consider hyphenating my last name at least. They said I could even have three. Keep my mom’s if I really insist on it, but they don’t know why I was making such a big deal out of it, and adding the hyphenated name as well.

They said it would make addressing our whole family SO much easier and would mean a lot to everyone. My dad said it would be nice for both his kids to finally have his last name. My stepmother said it would be very symbolic for her, to feel like I have accepted her as a third parent and that it would mean I do want to be part of her and her kids’ family.

She told me how I feel about my last name and that keeping it my mom’s is just as important to her that my sister and I have her name in there too. She told me she really loved me and to imagine how much happiness it would bring.

She also said it would be less confusing for my half-brother and my future half-sister (she’s pregnant again).

I told them I did not want my name changed or added to. I told them it felt disrespectful to dismiss how important my last name was.

I told them I am the one who has to live with the name and I don’t want to take their new hyphenated name. My dad told me my sister was willing and didn’t I want to match with her at least. I told him she didn’t even want to, she was doing it for him, which she made very clear when she agreed. But it’s not something I would do for him.

They told me I should be more willing to compromise and my hard stance on this will be upsetting to my stepsiblings.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your last name is one of your last and deepest connections to your mom. It feels like your dad and stepmom are trying to erase her from existence in order to create this Brady Bunch facade of the perfect blended family.

Screw that. Stick to your guns and keep your mom’s last name rather than dilute it with a bunch of hyphenated add-ons. You will almost certainly regret changing it in the future as you look back on this time.

At 8, you still have very strong memories and connections with your mother’s memory and her love.

Your younger sister was only 5 so she may be willing to change as she was much younger than you. Let her make her own decision without pressuring her as it’s likely a much bigger deal to you than her.” AppropriateScience71

Another User Comments:

“NTJ.

Ask your dad what will happen if your sister gets married and wants to take her partner’s name or hyphenate. Will he expect her to keep her new name? Are you supposed to ‘match’ her just so she can change again in a few years and leave you with a name you won’t want?

You keep your name. They don’t want you to compromise, they want you to capitulate. There’s a big difference. They’re using emotional blackmail to get what they want. ‘Oooh, don’t upset the children.’ Plenty of family members have different names. Stand your ground.” PersimmonBasket

“My friend very purposefully became a single parent. She utilized the medical system to become pregnant, and I helped choose the sperm donor. I was very excited for her, even though I’m not generally a kid person.

Since she had her child, I’ve been frustrated with some of her choices.

This began at a college reunion when her child was about 3 or 4 months old. My friend decided to bring her child with her, despite her parents offering to babysit.

During the reunion, there was a semi-formal party. My friend had made a comment beforehand that there were no tickets available for children so she was going to sneak her baby in.

At the party, it was obvious that we were the only ones with a child and that it was way too loud for the baby. My friend then proceeded to go downstairs into a quieter space with her child which required us to rotate to spend time with them so she didn’t feel lonely.

I was disappointed because I wanted to spend time with my friends at the party and enjoy what we had paid for. I felt that if she was not willing to let someone else watch her child then she should not be coming to an event that was clearly not meant for children.

The next morning, we went to a restaurant for breakfast, which another one of my friends had picked out. We got there early and I texted my friend to let her know there was no room for a stroller, which clearly upset her. She carried the baby in and proceeded to set up a sound machine in an attempt to get the baby to sleep, while in a crowded restaurant.

It was very loud, and one friend was trying to get me to say someone to the friend with the child, which I tried to pass along. My friend snapped at me, saying ‘I’m trying to get my baby to sleep!’ I responded with something like, ‘You brought her into a crowded restaurant.’ She became a bit upset and said ‘Would you rather we just not come?’

After I assured her I did want her there, we dropped it and I didn’t think it was a major issue.

A couple of days later she called me and told me that she needed me to not criticize her because she’s having a hard enough time with being a single parent.

Our conversation boiled down to me saying I didn’t think it was fair to tell me I couldn’t respond after she was rude to me. She responded with ‘You’re breaking my heart right now.’ Her point of view is that I should just let it go and hope that she learned from that and wouldn’t do it again.

We eventually agreed to disagree, but I’ve been very hurt ever since. And notably, she has not learned from the experience and has continued to bring her child to inappropriate events.

In my opinion, she expects that we drop everything to help her when she needs it and becomes very frustrated when we don’t do exactly what she says even if there are alternatives that make sense.

I’ve almost entirely stopped talking to her and I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. If I’m the jerk, I’d like to know so I can try to repair our relationship.”

Another User Comments:

“This is textbook first-time mom behavior.

Bringing a sound machine to a restaurant literally made me lol, restaurants have plenty of white noise. The difference for her is she doesn’t have a co-parent to be on her team when she is going through this stage of trying to figure out how to raise a human, which admittedly can be pretty stressful, especially if you haven’t spent much time around babies.

You guys are her friends and I’m sure she considers you her support system, but none of you made the choice to have a baby, she did. And she’s asking you to accommodate wants, not needs. She didn’t need to bring her baby to the reunion and she didn’t need to bring her baby to the restaurant.

Especially during their nap time!

You need to decide what kind of accommodations you are willing to make, if any, and then stick to it. This will actually be good practice for you if you ever decide to have your own kids, all toddlers go through a boundary-pushing phase.” Ok_Answer7478

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Parenting is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, especially when my daughter was a baby. But I was still kind and courteous to my friends.

If she can’t separate from her baby, then she needs to bow out of events that aren’t meant for kids.

Tons of us parents have had to miss out on cool things, but that’s parenthood and it gets better. But you also need to set boundaries so you don’t let your resentment grow and so you let your friend know what you will and won’t accept.

Boundaries don’t need to be this big, mean ultimatum either.

You can just kindly state your case and leave it at that.

‘My friend then proceeded to go downstairs into a quieter space with her child which required us to rotate to spend time with them so she didn’t feel lonely.’ For example, I would not have continually gone downstairs to hang out with her.

She chose to bring her baby to an inappropriate event and because of this choice, she had to sequester herself. I maybe would have gone down for the first 10 minutes to help her get settled, then said, ‘Alright, I’m going to go upstairs to enjoy the party.

I’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast?'” friendlily

“I (19 F) am an artist and so is my sister (15 F) but the problem is that my sister would use my art supplies without my permission or when I told her no because there are reasons as to why this is becoming a problem

– she would sneakily take my small things like Ink pens, mechanical pencils, etc;

– mostly she takes my sketchbooks because this is the main problem;

– when confronted about it she would come up with excuses like ‘You have more than me’, ‘So? It’s just a book’, and my favorite ‘Well your drawings are cringed and don’t have an art style so yeah…’ (Which I’m still experimenting);

– does not care when I tell her not to take them or when I tell her I have the receipt and she just shrugs and does not say anything

Some of you might be asking why not tell your parents? Well, I’m an adult and she is a teen.

We both handle things like civil siblings and I don’t want my parents to be involved in this situation, however, the supplies I buy are not expensive it’s just like regular supplies. My sister would use ink pens and sometimes mechanical pencils because that’s her thing.

The last straw was when I bought a book sketchbook from dd’s discounts. It was not expensive. It was just at a low price and when I put it in my drawer, the next day I decided to draw on the book when I realized it was gone so I asked my sister and she told me what I was talking about and when I told her she still kept denying it and I’m really starting to get ticked off so I decided to buy a lockbox because she still doesn’t accept no as an answer and decided to take it while I wasn’t looking.

But part of me thinks it might be a jerk move because it sounds childish but I still want my sister to stop taking my supplies. WIBTJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YWNBTJ. Your sister has proven that setting verbal boundaries with her doesn’t work which puts you in the position to have to more firmly set those boundaries, in this case by putting your things where she can’t get to them.

Your things are your things, no matter how expensive they are, and there is no excuse for taking them without your permission, especially when this is an ongoing issue. Definitely get the lockbox.” hannahkelli

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and this is not about your art supplies.

Something else is going on here such as sibling rivalry, and I’m curious what she gets up to when she no longer has the chance to steal your art supplies. I expect she will do something worse, such as make the lockbox disappear or damage it, and you will have to let your parents know when that happens.

It’s not helping her growth or emotional development to let her get away with this kind of theft and sabotage of her own sister. And why are you the only one watching your little brother? It sounds as though she has too much time on her hands.” cadaloz1

“My wife (33 F) and I (32 M) just recently finished a house in the mountains of Colorado and boy was it a nightmare. So much so that financially we aren’t doing so well.

In comes my Brother-in-Law (18 M) who asks me if he can come to live with us because he wants a male role model in his life since his daddy (wife’s stepfather) went to prison when he was a baby. I agreed wanting to help the kid grow into a man.

The deal before he moved out here was… You’re going to pay rent and you gotta buy your own food, and if for some reason out of your control, you can’t get a job or get fired I’ll work with you on rent and maybe food as long as you bust your butt to find a/another job.

But if you get fired for something clearly you’re at fault for I’m not going to support your stupid decisions and once you have no money you’re gone.

Well fast forward a few months later he loses the job I got him for being a lazy turd… he was very much at fault.

He’s refusing to use the tools I gave him to succeed in life, just sleeps in late and games all day/night. He makes no effort to find another job other than the effort my wife and I put in and force him to be a part of.

I’ve had many discussions/butt chewings with him that he needs to get another job to pay his rent, be able to feed himself, and fix my car he broke and that if he runs out of money he’s going back to NH.

He didn’t want to change, he showed initiative by asking for my help to grow up but that went out the window as soon as he started working and felt what real life is.

Tonight I overheard him asking my wife about some of my yogurt in the fridge and if he could have it.

She told him to ask me and I immediately told him that he could if he paid for half. Queue the sad teenager who decides to pout and annoy me. I proceed to tell him that he isn’t entitled to any of our food.

He needs to buy his own especially since my wife and I can’t afford to feed him on top of everything else. He claims that since he’s family we should let him have our food and he shouldn’t have to pitch. I colorfully told him he was wrong but after mulling it over I’m curious what others think.

Somehow he thinks even when he buys his own food he can help himself to our food and shouldn’t have to pay anything whether it’s meals made at home or meals bought out. He especially doubled down that stuff like pizza and fast food, which my wife picks up in town occasionally, should be free and not require pitching of any sort.

Am I the jerk for denying him free food?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You had clear expectations. ‘You’re going to pay rent and you gotta buy your own food, and if for some reason out of your control, you can’t get a job or get fired I’ll work with you on rent and maybe food as long as you bust your butt to find a/another job.

But if you get fired for something clearly you’re at fault for I’m not going to support your stupid decisions and once you have no money you’re gone.’

You’re tight on money. He’s NOT your kid. He LOST the job that you guys got him and is putting in absolutely ZERO EFFORT in pulling his weight.

He’s entitled enough to think he should get FAST FOOD and PIZZA for free. He’s MOOCHING off of you, and you should send him back to his mom.” AnakinSkywalkerisfav

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It may be harsh, but you’re trying to help him out and he needs to make an effort to at least meet you halfway.

Tell him that he couldn’t collect unemployment or the like either without demonstrating a willingness to work and make his own way as possible, and you don’t have the resources the government does so you’re helping him because he’s family. You had an agreement and he’s not abiding by it.

You’re obviously willing to cut him some slack and work through things if he’s at least trying, but he’s not.

Maybe you and your wife need to talk with him about expectations. Helping with rent and food costs seems fair for an adult family member to do when they’re living with you; at the VERY LEAST he should help out with food.

I wouldn’t fuss about someone in the house sharing if I brought home a bucket of chicken or a pizza, but that’s because I’d want to share, not because it’s an assumption or expectation that I would.

Long story short, he needs to wake up and take charge, and he needs to know that you’re FAR more forgiving about all this than the government would be, for instance.” SkullDaisyGimp

“So my brother-in-law is a piece of work. He’s rude, ungrateful, and disrespectful, constantly throws snide comments, and insults to both my fiancé and my parents-in-law.

He thinks he’s something special. We generally all think he’s an idiot, and can’t see why my sister-in-law got with him in the first place. Unfortunately, they have kids so she’s kinda stuck with him one way or another.

Recently he got caught having an affair this past June, sleeping with one of my sister-in-law’s friends.

Yesterday we got a text from her saying they are going to try and make things work my reply was as follows…

(I will be honest with you, SIL. I think you are a fool for getting back with him. But as long as you are happy, I am happy for you.

Just don’t let him walk all over you and control you like he used to. Know that we don’t hate you. We love you and only want what is best for you and that’s the main reason why we are all going to be angry.

We just don’t want to see you get hurt. It’s not like we won’t come round but when BIL is there I personally won’t be acknowledging him as he’s a jerk for doing what he has done to you and the kids.

Please also understand that we will not be inviting BIL to attend our wedding, I have no respect for him after he betrayed you and for someone to do that to my family – to hurt you like that – I just don’t want someone who can hurt my sister-in-law like that at my wedding as it is meant to be surrounded by loved ones not tolerated family members.

I hope you understand and I hope you are not angry at me for saying this.)

Now she isn’t happy with me due to this and is giving me and my fiancé a hard time. I don’t want to be paying £100 for a meal at my wedding for this disrespectful lying jerk.

I mean he will probably do it again anyway or they may not even work things out. I may change my mind closer to the time if he proves to us he has changed… but I think I would be more likely to win the lottery.

So am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. People don’t seem to realize that once things become public, they are not an isolated system. There is spillover to all of their acquaintances, and to one degree or another, they have to do damage control and reestablish respect and trust.

For victicms that can be as easy as cutting ties and demonstrating they have the sense and self-respect to escape and try better next time. But doing something as risky and irrational as staying with the mistreater does not justify this entitlement that everyone else just ‘gets over it’.

They may require different remedies and reassurances than the person in the relationship, but it would be ridiculous to expect them to just totally pretend like nothing happened.” Sad-Faithlessness377

Another User Comments:

“I don’t think you’re the jerk, but expect her not to come to the wedding – and that might be something you can’t come back from.

I’ll grant you that she was foolish if she spilled everything to you. Situations like this are exactly why that’s a bad idea. Her loved ones can’t unknow what he did to her if she told them. I do wonder why you’re not even mentioning your fiance.

This is his sister, right? Why isn’t he the one dealing with them?” Pale_Cranberry1502

“I’d just boarded my second 11-hour flight of the day to find a guy standing in my assigned aisle seat.

Thinking he was trying to keep out of the way while unknowingly being directly in the way and he and his wife simply needed to finish getting their bags away and move over into the middle and window seat I told him ‘Sorry, I’m in this seat’.

The response was a lot of faffing about boarding passes only for them to realise they were in completely the wrong row before disappearing off down the aircraft. So I’m already feeling like I’ve caused a fuss before I even sat down.

Once seated I empty pockets into the seat pocket and begin testing out my tiny slice of the universe for the foreseeable future.

The cushion, blanket, headrest, and earphones were all great. Being 6 foot (tall but not actually really tall) I stretch my legs out looking for the comfort limit this seat-on-a-budget will allow.

Only I find my feet hit something under the seat in front of me a lot sooner than I expected. Turns out the guy in front has placed a leather handbag or satchel under his seat.

AITJ for thinking the space under the seat in front of me is my space? That’s why the flight attendants say ‘Place your bags above you or under the seat in front of you’ right? I’d never put anything under my seat because I’d expect that is where the passenger behind me would put their feet.

So I spoke up against a fellow passenger for the second time in 5 minutes and asked him if it was his bag and if he could please move it. He looked at me like I was insane for saying anything. He never said a word but spent the next several minutes re-sorting out his bags as it turned out the satchel in my foot space was his third bag in addition to one under the seat in front of him (oh the irony) and a large one above him.

As I was throwing in more apologies ‘Sorry, long legs’ etc he combined his belongings into a mere two carry-on pieces like a peasant and threw one more glance and a half smile at me the fussy, bossy guy before sitting back down.

AITJ here?

Despite being directly below you the space under your seat belongs to the passenger behind you, right?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. As someone who actually has 3 bags for airplanes in the USA, you put 2 above in the compartments and 1 in front of you. Never under your own seat.

Also if you are in a row without a seat in front of you all the bags go in the overhead. This guy was just being rude. (The reason for 3 bags is I am disabled and have a lot of medical issues and you are actually allowed a free 3rd bag about the size of a personal item to carry your medical supplies in so it doesn’t take your entire suitcase and prevent you from bringing clothes etc on the plane.

I have enough medical equipment that I would only have half a suitcase to use without the extra bag.)” TaraCosplay

Another User Comments:

“Absolutely NTJ. The space under the seat in front of you belongs to you (unless, on very, very rare occasions, an FA directs that something else be placed under it, in which case a complaint to the senior, the purser, or, if all else fails, the airline after the fact is in order).

FAs make constant announcements during boarding about stowing your carry-on under the seat in front of you.

On the few occasions where the pax in front of me tried a stunt like that, I simply pulled out the bag, called the FA, and said, ‘Someone left this in my foot space.’ The FA will sort it out.

I try to avoid confrontations with idiots and anyone who would put their bag under their own seat is an idiot.” ptauger

“My mom and I have a complicated relationship. She was a single mother and was at best neglectful and at worst abusive.

She’d send me to school with the flu and a 104-degree fever because she wouldn’t believe me when I said I was sick. I had terrible vision but she waited 3 years to take me to the optometrist. Everything had to be PERFECT and there was a constant threat that no one was allowed to think that anything was wrong, or else ‘people would take us away’.

I was expected to be perfect in everything, and any time I failed, or was a bit slow, she would go on a rant about how much of a burden I was because she had to teach me basic things. I was a constant disappointment because the things she demanded were just unrealistic for a kid to know without being taught.

(My siblings didn’t have this kind of pressure, it was only me)

I’m okay now. I don’t carry a grudge and I’ve learned to let it go in one ear and out the other, and she’s mostly not saying things, primarily because I don’t invite her into my home, and because while we see each other maybe every other week, we don’t spend extended periods of time together.

Except for earlier this year, we lost EVERYTHING due to the inflation. We lost our business, but most importantly, we lost the house. We were basically homeless with two children. We were allowed to stay with her and my stepfather for a month until we could get back on our feet.

During this extended stay, she started falling into old habits. Everything I did was analyzed and every mistake was found and commented on.

The thing is that my 13-year-old is SUPER observant and one day he asked ‘Why do you always say my mom is useless?’

My mom loves being a grandmother and where she sucked as a mom, she IS a good grandma. She was very hurt by my son’s observation and vehemently denied it, but my son held firm and since then, he’s been keeping an eye on her.

My mom feels uncomfortable with this and wants me to tell my kid he’s imagining things, but I really don’t want to do that. I’m super proud of him for being able to spot her behavior and I don’t want to jeopardize this skill because it’s going to be useful to him in the future.

I’ve talked to him and told him that while I appreciate him trying to stand up for me, I don’t need him to fight my battles and that I’m perfectly aware that what my mom says is nonsense, so it doesn’t hurt me. I don’t want him to feel responsible for me or like he needs to protect me.

My brother is now butting in and telling me that I should just tell him that he’s imagining it or tell him to pretend that nothing is wrong because it’s almost Christmas and it would be silly to keep creating tension with this.

I still refuse.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Absolutely don’t do this. The absolute gall of your mother and brother. Don’t risk your relationship with your son just to cover your mother’s backside. The real answer is for your mother to pull her head in so that your son has no bad behavior to pick up on.

It really is that simple. Tell your mother that and point out that your son isn’t stupid – if she keeps on saying those kinds of things he will notice anyway. Lying for her sake won’t even work and you’re not damaging your relationship with your son just because she can’t stop baring her fangs at you in his sight.

If she does that and hisses like a snake, and has a forked tongue like a snake – your son will think she’s a snake. What does she expect?” kurokomainu

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I know this kind of parent. I call it ‘White Diamond parenting’ (if you know, you know).

They set completely unrealistic standards and nitpick everyone else’s flaws (be them real or perceived), while simultaneously trying to pretend that Nothing Is Wrong because they can’t handle the idea of being imperfect themselves. These kinda parents won’t change their tune unless confronted with the cold, hard truth.

Specifically, they have to be confronted in a manner where they’re mentally cornered and can no longer deny what’s right in front of them.

Encourage what your son is doing. Such as whenever he calls her out, say things like ‘Yeah, that does always seem to happen.’ Making it sound genuine rather than passive-aggressive at first may lead to better results.

I can’t guarantee that it’ll work – some people just hit rock bottom in denial and keep digging – but it’s worth trying.” Amazing_Excuse_3860

“I lived in a small house with many siblings and the one time I had for myself was when I showered or went to the bathroom. This was always respected in my house.

I (f 31) have been with my partner for several years. He has a habit that I just hate.

He always enters the bathroom when I’m there. Always. If I’m taking a shower he wants to join me and make out, even if I just have five minutes before running to work. If I’m in the toilet he walks in and starts to talk.

The worst is taking a dump while I shower, he is neither quiet or light, so it is always noisy and stinky, and wanting to join me in the bathtub afterward!

Just for you to have an idea, he used the toilet, we went for dinner with some friends the other night and when we arrived at my house with them for some drinks the stench was so dominant they asked if a pipe burst. Mind you I have a social bathroom he can use instead of always entering the main while I’m there.

If I lock the door he just pounds on it until I open it.

I asked him several times not to enter the bathroom while I was there, and he said he’d try but he always did that (we went to his folks for lunch and his own mom entered the bathroom while I was in the toilet to ask how I wanted my stake and proceeded to talk to me for several minutes until I asked her to leave.

There was no lock).

I could bear with it since we didn’t live together but now we are thinking about moving in together. I told him all the above and that moving in together he has to respect my space. He just laughed it off and said it’s not a big deal, I’m just a prude, over-sensitive, and shy.

This is stressing me so much I get anxious every time we look at an apartment. Yesterday I refused to see another apartment and we had a huge fight. He is an amazing guy other than this and everyone tells me I’m the jerk to make this an issue.

Am I the jerk here?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I couldn’t live with someone like your current partner, to be honest. One, because sometimes it’s nice to just get a bit of quiet space to yourself. Two, your perfectly normal boundaries deserve to be respected. Three, based on what his mother did to you at her house, he was raised without this boundary and it’s pretty clear he has no desire to change his way.

And fourth, he’s pretty much accusing you of doing something nefarious if you have the door locked.” TemptingPenguin369

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This is a basic courtesy, and the fact that your partner refuses to accept your boundary and continues to violate it even though his behavior is causing fights is a major red flag.

You’ve made a simple request that he leave you alone while you’re in the bathroom. This request is nothing out of the ordinary. Most people prefer privacy in the bathroom. He should have no trouble respecting your boundary, and yet he’s determined to make you bend to his will on this issue.

His attitude and lack of respect for your feelings are going to come up in many situations in the future, so you might as well face it now.

Just lay down the law. Tell him this issue is a dealbreaker, and if he can’t respect your boundaries, you want out of the relationship.

If he has so little self-control that he can’t observe this simple rule about leaving you alone in the bathroom, there are major problems ahead and you might as well find out now.” Crazy_Banshee_333

“I am a stay-at-home mom and I truly delight in my children. I love everything about them. I love every single part of being a mom.

I have 3 of them and they are a bit older now, (10 M, 13 M, and 15 M) and are extremely well-behaved, kind little gentlemen.

I don’t say any of this to be braggy, its important to the story.

A little backstory, my family has a trend of having child-free weddings.

I have 3 children. In the last 9 years there have been 8 weddings and only one was not child-free and the only one I have attended.

Anyway my cousin was having a destination wedding and when I got the invite I called to confirm that my children were also invited. She confirmed they were and everything was fine.

We booked tickets and hotel, bought gifts and were pretty excited to attend.

Well, the time for the wedding comes and my cousin calls and asks to come to our room to ‘talk’ the night before the big day. She comes with another woman I have never seen before and explains that my aunt hired a nanny to watch all the children in the family so there would be ‘no distractions’ and we could all ‘relax and enjoy’ the day.

I thanked her and explained that there was a zero percent chance that I was leaving my children with someone I haven’t met and was told they were in fact invited. She got really upset and told me basically this is how it had to be and I could come without my children or don’t show up at all.

Well, we had a wonderful day at the beach and a great family by ourselves.

After we were home my aunt and cousin came over to talk about how hurt she was and how hard they tried to accommodate me. So here is why I may be a jerk.

I let them explain and talk and then when they asked for an apology I kind of blew up. I told them that in no uncertain terms, I love my children much more than I like them. I thoroughly enjoy being with my children and their big day means far less to me than enjoying my children and spending time with them.

My aunt accused me of not loving my cousin and extended family.

That isn’t true, but it doesn’t come close to the love I have for my children and honestly I’m not going to lose tome with them for a party. Not to mention I was lied to to get me there.

My cousin left crying and I do feel bad she was hurt and I could have been more gentle in the way that I said it, so I don’t know. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but your aunt and cousin are. You PAID for your family to go to a destination wedding, and the NIGHT BEFORE they tell you your kids aren’t invited?

That’s a dink move on their part. It’s called ‘bait and switch.’ But, I think you told them the wrong thing. I wouldn’t have said that you loved your children best, since that is the obvious truth. You SHOULD have told them that you felt manipulated and disrespected and lied to for them telling you kids could come to the wedding and then changing their minds the night before the wedding.

Also, in what world does a 15-year-old need a nanny? I started babysitting at age 13 myself.” ElmLane62

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and more power to you. I believe that the trend of isolating parents – usually mothers – from important family events like weddings… isolates them at exactly the time they most need the support of ‘family.’ Which is when they are raising children.

It’s even crazier when people expect you to then gratefully choose to leave children behind to attend these events. Which is still isolating because you have to be separated from your kids to go. And then get upset that you choose the children, when they force the choice on you.

As if you should actually choose a cousin’s wedding over your own children. LOL” IllTemperedOldWoman

“This year, my wife and I will be hosting the Christmas holiday as we just remodeled our kitchen. My parents usually do it, but my father had surgery in November and needs to take it easy for a few months.

My cousin is coming and is bringing along her Great Dane as that dog goes everywhere with her. Everyone except my aunt and uncle hates the dog.

We have two cats that do not do well with dogs. She asked to stay with us as we have a guest bedroom and the hotels nearby do not allow dogs.

She would be coming on the 22nd and leaving on the 27th. I told her upfront that we would be fine with her staying, but not her dog as our cats would not do well with a dog being in their space. She tells me that the cats could be locked in the basement and would be fine.

I simply told her no and if she didn’t like it, then find another place to stay. She reached out to everyone in the family and they told her the same thing.

She called my wife yesterday crying that this was the worst Christmas holiday as she didn’t want to board her dog as it would cost over $1,000.

My wife told her that she could come, but not her dog. Now my aunt and uncle are mad that we are not accommodating her and the dog. My uncle even offered to send money to board our cats. My cousin has even gone on social media tagging my wife and me on posts to make us look bad.

They most likely won’t be coming for the holiday season and I can tell that my father is hurt as it’s his sister and they only see each other during the holidays or special family events. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Think about this in its opposite.

How would your cousin react if you planned to go to her house and demanded the dog not be there? She likely wouldn’t agree, on the grounds that it is her home, her pet, and she makes the rules. Would you then be right for throwing a pity party that she won’t upend her home life simply because you demanded it?

She made a request, you gave her an answer. Anytime someone makes a request, they need to be prepared to hear, ‘No.’ She can be frustrated about the outcome, and she is wrong to guilt you over it. Ultimately, she is not entitled to use your home however she wants.” Mysterious-Belt-1510

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. First, boarding her dog is not the only option. Dog walkers and such are also an option. We have a teen coming to look after our multiple pets for a week.

Second, bringing a dog into the cats’ space will be hard on the cats EVEN if they are in another room/basement.

Chances are, they will also destroy something since they aren’t used to being cooped up. And they are likely to get out with people coming and going- which could lead to them OR THE DOG getting hurt.

Third of all, it is MUCH harder for cats to be in boarding than dogs.

Cats do NOT like to change environments. Cats in kennels can experience exceptional amounts of stress (obviously varies by cat).

Fourth, if money is the issue, then Uncle can pay the money to have Fido boarded – problem solved.

Fifth, she is coming for a long visit and that’s a huge imposition – not like she’s coming over for dinner and asking you to let the dog in for a couple of hours.

For the record, I have three cats and one dog at the moment. The 40-ish-pound dog is terrified of the 10-pound cat and is the most likely to get hurt.” Special-Light5297

“I (32 f) have a brother, ‘Charles’ (38 m), who has a partner, ‘Claire’ (35 f). Claire has a daughter, ‘Ruby’ (8 f), who has additional needs (this will be relevant), and I have a daughter ‘Bea’ (4).

We are all, along with my mine and Charles’s parents, going to be on a family holiday over Christmas. Claire was originally not bringing Ruby as she was meant to be staying with her father but her dad is a flake and cancelled so Claire is now bringing her.

For some context, Claire loves my daughter, which is great. She will volunteer to babysit her (I don’t need babysitting as I’m a stay-at-home mom and my mother is nearby for emergencies) unprompted, and whenever we see her at events she always wants to play with Bea.

Bea loves her and it’s nice to see, but it is noticeable how she will spend a whole afternoon fussing over Bea even when me and my husband are perfectly capable of looking after her. But again, she’s great with Bea so we don’t mind.

A couple of days ago Claire and I were texting about what to pack for the trip as I was lending her some clothes. During this, I sent her a picture of what I was packing for Bea to give her some idea of what Ruby would need, and Claire said she was really looking forward to seeing Bea.

She then suggested for a couple of days during the holiday we do a ‘kid swap’ where we babysit each other’s kids for the day. I was immediately not keen on this idea, as I have only met Ruby twice and I know nothing about her needs or how to properly look after her.

Also, I come on holiday to spend time with my child, not farm her out to other people. I skirted around the issue, saying we could definitely do things together but Claire kept pushing me to agree. She wanted her and Charles to take Bea for a day to go ice skating.

This back and forth went on for a while before I finally said no, I’m not letting you borrow my child, you already have one. Claire said I was being unfair and that she deserved a break and to have an enjoyable holiday, too.

She then said she didn’t want to borrow my clothes anymore and stopped texting me.

Charles is now saying she’s very hurt that I won’t let her take Bea out, and that Claire adores her. I said that’s not the point, I’m not comfortable caring for Ruby on my own and frankly I find it a bit odd that Claire’s idea of a break from parenting involves babysitting.

Charles says I’m massively overdramatizing and that babysitting Ruby for a few hours doesn’t need a degree and I should just help Claire out. Now I’m wondering if he’s right.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The problem is not only that Claire wants to borrow Bea for a while, the problem is that she wants you to take care of her child with special needs, a child who you don’t know (and Ruby doesn’t know you and could be uncomfortable around people she doesn’t know well) and don’t know how to care for.

Now, without wanting to sound too cynical, do you get the impression that Claire somehow resents Ruby in any way, and would like to have a daughter like Bea instead? Her attitude around your child is strange, at best, and it looks like Claire has something to unpack with a professional therapist. Frankly, I’d be quite uncomfortable too, leaving my daughter with a woman who seems slightly obsessed with her.” 000-Hotaru_Tomoe

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Claire wants to spend time doing parental activities with a child who doesn’t have any special needs. It’s not ‘babysitting’ as such – it’s a substitution as she’s unable to do them with her own daughter. I have a great deal of sympathy for her.

She’s watching everyone else get the Kodak moments that we all picture before becoming parents, yet they’re denied to her with her own child.

However, you are in no way required to help her get those moments at your own cost – not to mention you would be enabling her to exclude her own child in favor of yours.

It’s a tough situation for Claire, but ultimately one she has to deal with herself – and not by doing this. I could see her getting possessive of your daughter as well, so you are doing the right thing by nipping it in the bud straight away.” WestLondonIsOursFFC

“My son is 10 and probably has Autism but we haven’t tested him yet (the appointment is months out still). He’s a very picky eater and tries really hard to be polite about it but he’s very blunt and it comes off as rude sometimes. (Example: ‘It’s gross/tastes bad’)

He tries new foods daily, so it isn’t a lack of trying on his part. And I know his aversion is real because I’ve watched him throw up after trying to eat a grape.

My birth mother is offended by his aversion tho and I’m dreading Xmas dinner.

I’ve tried talking to her about it and she ‘tried’ making last year’s Xmas dinner something he would like… but I also wonder if she didn’t sabotage dinner out of spite. She asked me what he eats, and I listed off a few things: spaghetti and tomato soup being a couple of them, and offered to bring his meal so she could make whatever she wanted.

Instead, she made spaghetti with tomato soup as the sauce, and… well, even I thought it was gross. My son doing his absolute best to be polite said nothing and just happily ate his roll. My birth mother was fuming tho and kept nagging him about why he wasn’t eating.

The night ended with him in tears and her refusing to let him have any of the cookies she made. She even called me right after we left her house to complain about him some more.

This year, I’m thinking about just not saying anything to her and bringing extra sides (for everyone) and desserts that he will eat so he isn’t put in that situation again.

But I’m worried that would make us look even worse. Idk how to get through this dinner without someone getting hurt over food.

We can’t miss Xmas because my grandmother just turned 84 and it isn’t looking like we’ll have her for much longer and we all love our grandma enough to deal with my birth monster.

WIBTJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Bringing some sides that you know he will eat to share with everyone is a great idea. If she says anything just say it’s Christmas you’d rather him enjoy the holiday instead of forcing new foods down his throat.

There are 364 other days to do that. He’s not ‘picky’. He physically can’t eat the things. (I have similar issues with food myself. I will try everything but the texture or taste can make me gag.) It’s similar to being lactose intolerant, celiac, food allergy, diabetic, etc. He can’t control it, you’re just accommodating his food issue.

Vegans and vegetarians bring their own food as well.” Pizza-Corgi

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – it’s not on her to cater to your kid if what the kid wants to eat is different from everyone else there. The right answer is exactly what you suggest. You bring stuff you know your kid will eat and don’t expect someone else to go out of their way for that.

So you’re doing the right thing there. Birth Mom was the jerk for last year and she will be again if she makes an issue out of you bringing food that you know your kid will eat. It’s no different than if you were a vegan and no one else was.

Perfectly reasonable to bring your own vegan meal while everyone else eats the food that Mom prepared.” TheDreadPirateJeff