People Look To Find Solutions To Their "Am I The Jerk" Problems

“I (20 f) am 8 months pregnant with my ex’s child. There is nothing bad between me and my ex, we fell out of love, have minimal but good contact, and can converse maturely about our future co-parenting relationship. The problem I have is with his mother. She has 4 boys, including my ex. I know her dream was to have a girl, but she had a very bad birth experience with the last birth so she was advised to never go through with another pregnancy.

Now she was not involved at all, she told my ex countless times that I should terminate my pregnancy, so much so that even he told me to. But when I found out the gender (a girl), she started becoming very involved.

At first, it was nice, like sending pics of cute outfits for the baby, and asking if I needed anything (like a stroller, crib, etc. but I always thanked her but told her it was unnecessary). Then she wanted to meet up, I thought it could be good, so we did. All the time she talked about ‘her’ baby, and asked me what I planned on doing regarding feeding (I plan on breastfeeding), when I told her that she told me that was kinda selfish and I could pump some bottles. She also wants to take the baby every other weekend right away. She has texted me almost daily, insisting that she follows me to my appointments, and my ultrasound, and even asked to be in the delivery room (she accepted my no without any resistance).

Yesterday she sent me a text with names approved by her I could choose from, this was just one thing too much so I politely told her I would need some space away from her during the last few weeks of my pregnancy and that she could talk to her son about baby stuff if she wanted.

Now my ex texted me telling me I was immature for treating his mother like crap when she was just excited to be a grandma. He told me that she is extremely down and is locked in her room crying (don’t know if it is true, he doesn’t even live with her). I feel like maybe I was a bit too harsh.

I told her before that while I appreciate that she is excited I would also appreciate if she could maybe drop down on texting, so I have told her politely before this.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ but will you will be one, to both yourself and your unborn daughter, if you do not start setting serious boundaries both with your MIL and your ex, at a minimum, because, as much as you say he is doing a good job co-parenting, your ex is not co-parenting well. He doesn’t see the glaring red signs and his lack of being unbiased and his lack of having boundaries can literally get your child and/or you kidnapped or worse.

What do I mean by glaring red signs? People don’t just up and do a 180. This woman is not your friend. It sounds to me like she thinks of you as a tool, an incubator and a source of food, for ‘her’, in your own heard firsthand words, child. And I even have concerns that she doesn’t even see you as a food source because of that line she fed you about breastfeeding. It is in no way selfish to breastfeed your child, it only seems selfish to her because she just sees it as you extending ‘her’ child’s time away from ‘her’, unwittingly on ‘her’ part.

If you let this woman have your child, she is cray cray enough to not give it back… or worse. And, by what you said, if this were to happen, I do not trust that your ex would help you get your daughter back. Mark my words. Cut as much contact now as possible. And protect yourself before something happens and police need to get involved.” TheNewAnonima234

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Tell your ex that his mother’s emotional needs are his to deal with, that he needs to support his mother and she will be welcome to see the baby on his time. That you don’t appreciate being handed a list of names you are allowed to use, or being told that you are selfish for breastfeeding the baby, or that demands to come to all your appointments. That this stuff is stopping NOW, and you asked nicely, and she has stomped that, so now you are putting a line in the sand.

Get proper custody arrangements drawn up so there’s zero legal doubt that this baby will only be breastfed, that medical and educational decisions will be with you, etc. It is great you and your ex are getting along now, but it sounds like his mum is going to make that really hard, so draw it up now while things are good if you can.” Particular-Try5584

“I (32-year-old female) am married with two kids – 2-year-old Jake and 6-year-old Sarah. Both I and my husband’s family live within a 15-minute radius from us and planning holidays can be tricky.

My SIL (28-year-old Heather) just got married and moved into her brand-new house with her new husband.

When making plans for Christmas, my SIL wanted to host at her house this year. On my side, we have a long family tradition of having breakfast with my family every Christmas morning and then opening presents. We explained this to Heather and she agreed this would be fine. That her new father-in-law was cooking a turkey for a dinner that we were not invited to, but they would be doing sandwiches at 12ish and we were welcome to any of the leftover sandwich stuff and hang out. I was a little upset that we were not invited to dinner until my mother pointed out that it may be due to the kids, and they may be wanting a more adult-only dinner. Since my kids are so young I understood. I agreed we would come over straight from my parent’s house, and they should not wait on us because we did not want to inconvenience anyone.

Cue Christmas day, we arrive at 12:45ish, and Heather’s FIL is already cooking the turkey while my MIL is cooking in the kitchen. There were no sandwiches and ‘dinner’ had turned into a lunch.

We did not think anything of this and were thrilled to be included. I spent most of the afternoon chasing my kids around the brand new house making sure to clean up after them every step of the way. By the time food was ready Jake was starting to get cranky because it was getting close to nap time. Remembering that they originally wanted an adult dinner, we ate quickly and left before Jake could throw any sleepy temper tantrums.

The next day my husband went over to my FIL’s house and was ambushed by Heather and both of their parents. They claimed we were the jerks for NOT bringing food to a dinner/lunch they didn’t know we were going to, and for not cleaning the kitchen before we left. They chewed him out for two hours before he finally left.

So am I the jerk for not cleaning or bringing food?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. They messed you around, you should have gone straight home and had your own Christmas dinner at your own house. Next year go to your Parents for Christmas, or even better have your Traditional Breakfast then go home and have a family Christmas dinner just you, your husband, and your kids.” Successful_Bath1200

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your SIL wanted to host and leave you hungry for dinner and with sandwich leftovers for lunch on Christmas day. When she then failed to let you know about the change of plan, she was mad you didn’t take over hosting duties like – providing food – and cleaning… Is she strange in the head? Why ever did your husband sit there and take the ambush? I would not have sat there for hours waiting for a non-existent lunch on Christmas day either – and for my kids to be a second thought at dinner. Sheesh. Your SIL needs her head screwed on. Don’t offer to host if you don’t want to feed people or clean without complaint. ” Squiggles567

“I (M 48) and my wife Anne (F 47) live by ourselves; our kids have both moved out. I’m the breadwinner and Anne is a stay-at-home mom; now she’s the housewife after our youngest moved out last year.

What’s changed is that she says she’s ‘owed’ for raising our kids and taking care of the household. She wants more personal time, less work around the house, and so I’ve taken over almost all the housework, cooking three meals, cleaning the house. I’m still working a full-time job, and I never slacked on chores that I did, such as gardening, hard-lifting, etc., and I was never an absent father.

I bore with it for the past year, but she’s gotten more abusive, outright berating me in front of the kids when they say that I’m only good for my strength and don’t think about the household at all, while she is doing less of the household work. It’s gotten to the point that I just want to relax in the car for a good solid minute because I only know there’s a long list of things to do.

Last night, she went out with her friends, while I slept early for work. This morning, I looked for the car keys for over 30 minutes, which were not in the drawer we always put them in. I woke her up to ask where she put them, and she just grumbled at me to find them myself before going back to sleep. I ended up finding it in her handbag and got to work late.

I got home today to her screaming at me for invading her privacy by going through her handbag. I tried to tell her that she told me to find them myself, but she kept cutting me off saying I should have known better than to dig through her personal belongings. That she has rights, and I should respect them and wait for her to wake before getting her to find the keys herself.

It was when she said she didn’t care if I was late to work that I lost it. Her exact line was, ‘It’s not like we’re needing that stupid money anymore.’ I yelled back at her that she was entitled and selfish, and that the only reason she’s able to enjoy her current time is because of my stupid money. She’s been having it far too easy the past year, and if she wanted to see what she’s owed, she could go back to either working or doing all the chores she’s dumped on me.

Anne was shell-shocked and I yelled back at her. The rest of the night was quiet, and she locked herself in our bedroom and didn’t come out. I’ve called our kids and told them what happened. My daughter agrees with me, but my son says that I may have been too harsh to call her entitled, and implied that I undermined her efforts all those years as a stay-at-home mom. They’re going to take turns calling Anne, but I now wonder if I may have been overboard with yelling at her about taking it too easy.

My daughter has suggested couples therapy and said that she’s going to suggest it to Anne as well. I’m more than willing to do so, as today’s encounter made me reflect that I’m getting extremely tired and weary of this life.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Why is your wife ‘owed’ for taking care of the house etc if you also worked and did chores? It sounds like she feels the labour of division was uneven. Regardless, if the distribution of work needed to be changed that should have been a conversation, not a dumping of tasks on you. It is never acceptable to berate your partner or be abusive. You shouldn’t have lost your temper but it was in response to the situation which has become increasingly difficult. Your wife is not being reasonable. It sounds like you both need to discuss this. Perhaps with a professional, impartial mediator.” AdaptableAilurophile

Another User Comments:

“I’m going to say NTJ based on how patient you have been throughout and only now a year later you lashed out. Honestly, not many of us could put up with our partner not doing anything and taking the full load of domestic labour and work. Yes, being a stay-at-home mom is hard work and now with the kids moving out, she should enjoy her free time however chores are still there to do. It’s not like you were doing nothing all the time she was raising the children. However, I don’t want to give an excuse for her behaviour but given her age do you think she is going through the period of life of pre/menopause? From my understanding women can become more short-tempered during this period. Could explain a sudden change if she wasn’t always like this.” GlumPie8709

“My best friend J organizes a New Year’s Eve party at his mom’s house and my partner K and I are invited. He tells us to come at 10 PM. They host a family dinner before and some friends of J’s sister, M, are invited.

We went there with K and my friend P, and brought a bottle of vodka. At 9:45 PM, J tells us to arrive later, because dinner is still going. But we’re almost there after one hour of public transport, so we still arrive at 10 PM.

The dessert wasn’t served, the main dishes left over were on the table, and people were not eating anymore. We greeted everyone and J brought some chairs for us to sit at the table. P went to the garden for a smoke, and K and I sat next to M’s friends. They serve us some wine and we talk for a bit. One of them asks if we want some of the leftover duck in front of us, I decline saying we already ate beforehand. They asked us again 4 times and I ended up accepting. I told K to try some as I know J’s mom’s Peking duck is very tasty. We each ate around 4 slices. Meanwhile, 2 of my friends arrived and smoked outside waiting for dinner to end.

Then, J’s mom sat to have a toast with M’s friend and I asked for a glass. I didn’t know but it is a premium wine a friend of M brought as a gift. I brought a bottle too, I thought it was fine.

Around 11 PM some family members left. There were only M’s friends, our friends, two cousins and us. Our friends were sitting on the other side of the table.

One cousin is a pastry chef, he brought a handmade king cake. They cut the cake and some get a slice, including P. Two of our friends declined.

Karaoke started, and we sang for a bit. There were still 3 slices of king cake left, I wanted to ask for one. I told K, and she said ‘I got it, follow me’. However, once next to the plate, she noticed she was in front of the TV displaying the karaoke. So she proceeded to directly take the plate in front of M, brushed her without noticing, and brought it next to my friends. We sat down to eat a slice each. Just after we finished eating, M came and said ‘It was for family only’. We both were feeling so ashamed. When I saw K take the plate I found it a bit strange but nothing alarming.

When I finally got to talk to J, I apologized for the king cake, he told me smiling that K and I were stupid and we moved on.

The party kept going and ended without trouble.

2 weeks later, I got to see J (without K) for the first time since NYE. He told me he never felt so ashamed to invite friends, his family saw us eating duck but his mom didn’t invite us to eat it. She was a bit angry that I asked to toast with her and M’s friends and the king cake was the cherry on top, we didn’t ask and stole it.

He said his family will laugh at him for years because of this.

He said he never wanted to see K again and he was disappointed in me.

I apologized for the king cake but not for the duck nor the toast as I feel like neither K nor I made a mistake here.

K wanted to write an apology letter along with a gift for this incident but was waiting for my approval.”

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. I don’t know enough about the particular culture to say. If it was my house, and you showed up after dinner and there was food left on the table, you’d be welcome to it. The toast bit with the wine is a bit odd – if it was that important/special, then they should have said something at the time. The cake… I dunno, that does somewhat sound like you hijacked the three remaining slices. There’s a bunch of things that could have been handled differently here.” Graflex01867

Another User Comments:

“J planned poorly so that the etiquette signals were confusing and then blamed it on you. There might be cultural differences too but it was his role to plan sufficiently so you’d know what was ok and what was not ok. It was unreasonable of him to call you at 9:45 and tell you not to show up when you had almost finished a 1-hour train ride, but maybe you could have walked around a bit until 10:15.

I don’t think you could have stretched your walk out long enough to avoid the confusing cake/Peking duck situation. Sounds like you are all young adults so I would just call all of this part of the learning process. If I had to stretch it, I would say that given you knew in advance that his family was having dinner together, and it’s reasonably common knowledge that Peking Duck is a ton of work to prepare, you probably should have held off on eating any of that because it’s dinner food and not party food. They may have been planning to have the leftover duck the next day.

I understand that you perceived some issue with the cake but I would intuitively call cake party food. If you insist, then I suppose I could agree that if there was not much cake left, it might have been a gray area where you should have known it was meant only for the dinner party guests. Wine is party fare so I can’t fault you there.” Reasonable-Sale8611

“So I (19 f) recently finished high school and I’m currently taking a year off. I found a part-time job that pays 30.000 RSD monthly (about 280 USD), may not seem a lot to people outside Europe but it’s the minimum wage here.

Anyway, my sister (28 f) had a baby and is always telling me how hard it is to manage as a stay-at-home mom while her husband is working and how amazing it would be if someone could watch her baby so both of them could have a job (she doesn’t want to apply her to kindergarten or pay a babysitter cuz it’s expensive). I tried to change the conversation cuz I knew that she wanted me to babysit my niece, but then she straight up asked me if I would be willing to be her nanny till she’s at least 2-3 so that they wouldn’t have to pay a stranger to babysit her. I told her that it wouldn’t be possible cuz 1 I’m applying to college next year and 2 I have a job so I wouldn’t have time for it. She told me that I could just quit cuz ‘it’s not even a real job’.

While I do agree with her that my part-time job isn’t something special, I’m still getting some pocket money out of it. I then told her that I’ll quit and babysit my niece till next year when I’ll have to apply, but only if she pays me 30.000 RSD monthly, win-win situation right? I mean babysitters are usually paid $5/hour here where I live so that sounded like a great deal to me but looks like it’s not. She got mad that I’d even request something like that and that it was selfish to demand money for babysitting my flesh and blood (her words).

I told her then that I’m not quitting my ‘fake job’ to babysit my niece and that she’ll have to figure it out.

We’re currently not speaking much and when we do she tries to change my mind about quitting my part-time job. My family thinks that I’m in the wrong here and should help my sister out so I’m not sure what to do.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Let the family who thinks you are in the wrong quit their jobs and take care of your sister’s kid for free. Your sister has decided that she does not like raising her child and wants someone else, namely you, to raise the child free of charge. That is why she asked you to raise her until she is 2 or 3.

The only one being selfish here is your sister. She is expecting you to give up your life and your future for her child.

Here is where you need to go from here: go ahead and enroll in the college you want to go to. Get your finances and living arrangements in order and move to the town where the college is located as soon as possible.

In addition, do not agree to even babysit this child for a few hours. Your family will then start up with how attached the child is to you, how can you leave your precious niece, etc., etc.” [deleted]

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Just no. You have a ‘real’ job even if they all think it isn’t a ‘career’, which you already know. Managing a child that isn’t yours all day is what a nanny gets paid for and you know she will also add ‘since you are just in the house, do the laundry, clean the house, make dinner’ all still for zero money. She needs to pay you the same rate they would pay anyone else.” WinginVegas

“During the holidays, my only cousin from my biological mom’s side who lives on a whole other continent visited after six years. The last time I (F 22) saw him (M 10), he was just over 4, and this was his first visit in all these years. We only managed to spend a handful of times together over the break, and he’s set to leave in a week.

I’m anticipating one last meet-up in a few days, and my stepmom gave me a talk about not crying when I see him. Her concern stemmed from a previous instance where I cried as I said goodbye to him and his family, thinking it was our final day together before they headed back. On that occasion, he cried too, as we had anticipated and discussed the night before. We both acknowledged our sadness and the fact that we’d miss each other dearly.

That day though, I wasn’t sobbing, just visibly tearful and upset. In fact, I was even the one comforting and reassuring my cousin that everything would be okay and I was only a message away. He also had a choice to stay another day, but I told him his other cousins who lived a few cities away might miss him too.

During the talk, my stepmom reminded me, ‘You saw that he was upset, so you have to control yourself.’ To which I responded, ‘I promise, I tried to hold it back as much as possible, and that’s something I thought of too.’ Knowing he was younger, I understood the expectation for me to be ‘stronger.’ Despite my assurance, my step-mom reiterated not to cry, asking, ‘Don’t you feel bad for him?’ I repeated what I said again, but with a bit of a tone which I feel bad about.

After that, everything was a bit of a blur as I just kept nodding and I tried to make my mind wander off to not speak anymore ill. The conversation ended and there’s a bit of tension now, but I wouldn’t know how bad till the morning.

My stepmom has always been better at holding her tears back. I, on the other hand, am admittedly more emotional. However, I was taken aback as it seemed as if I hadn’t considered my cousin’s feelings if I cried and hadn’t attempted to be strong. It’s worth noting that the uncertainty of their next visit added to my emotions. He’s like a brother, and his mom was almost like a second mother during my upbringing, so all the distance is hard.

Anyway, I’m unsure if my emotional reaction is an overreaction or not and I might just have a different perspective.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – it’s good for children to see that adults can have emotions too. It’s also good for children to have their emotions affirmed. Your cousin was feeling bad because he was going to miss you, you were going to miss him. You shared those emotions. This is a GOOD thing. Your cousin saw that he was loved and would be missed and that an adult could relate to how he was feeling.

Also if family members crying when you leave was traumatizing I’d need years of therapy because my mom cries like a baby every time I fly home. Got to love moms.” grouchykitten1517

Another User Comments:

“Absolutely NTJ. You don’t need to overregulate your emotions for his sake, especially since the mentality of a 4-year-old and a 10-year-old are WORLDS apart. You can’t compare them to now, it’s not reasonable nor fair, any more than comparing the emotional reactions of a 10-year-old to a 16-year-old is fair. Despite that though, your emotions are yours, and while getting unnecessarily and excessively upset could seem like overreacting, whatever you are feeling you still deserve to experience your emotional state without having to bury it like a robot. Suppress it a bit maybe if it’s overwhelming, but you’re still entitled to feel your feelings.” MythArchangel

“My son got married this weekend and this issue isn’t dying so I am going here. My daughter has very bad anxiety, she is 19 and I will call her Shelly. Shelly used to go to therapy when she was a minor but stopped when she turned 18. Ever since then, her anxiety has been out of control, and due to this she won’t drive anymore.

She has a license but refuses to drive. We live in the USA and driving is needed or it’s a big inconvenience for the people around her. Also, she is an adult so it is not like we can force her to drive.

This is the issue, my son was getting married and she was uncomfortable with so many people around at his wedding. She asked me to take her home, I told her no and that if she having difficulties, wait in the car. She told me it was freezing outside and she needed to leave. I told her no again, to turn on the heat in the car and to wait if she needed to be away from people.

She didn’t like this answer and told me she would have an attack if she stayed and she needed to go home. I told her to take an Uber and that I was not leaving. She didn’t like this and this was turning into a full argument. Shelly told me I needed to take her home again and I had enough.

I told Shelly she is being selfish, that she has many opinions and I will not deprive her brother (my son) of his parents being at his weddings. If I took her home I would miss his wedding since it was an hour’s drive here. She called me a jerk and left to stay in the car for a bit. She was back about an hour later for the rest of the wedding.

She has been angry since and her younger brother is copying her.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, thank god you said no. Notice how she magically was able to cope when push came to shove? That tells you a lot. She is used to getting her way and it’s high time she starts living in the real world and taking responsibility for her own life. She needs to stop using anxiety – a perfectly normal emotion – as an excuse not to push herself to learn tools to cope and take responsibility for her own life and future, including seeking therapy if needed (and legit likely is). Her emotional manipulation and threats need to lose the power they’ve had in the past.

Again, NTJ. It’s called good parenting. She’s 19, not 9.” Antelope_31

Another User Comments:

“NTJ 100% as you’ve stated as she is now an adult you can’t force her to do things. She quit therapy and that’s on her. If she has a panic attack it is not your responsibility. She is now an adult and needs to figure out how to handle this. Expecting her mother to miss her own child’s wedding is selfish. You need to sit her down and lay out expectations. She has decided to quit therapy, she has decided to no longer drive, and it is now on her to decide how to handle the difficulties she’s going to face as a result of this.

If she’s still living with you then a requirement of staying with you needs to be therapy. Panic attacks are awful but if she’s of sound enough mind to try and blame you because she might have one then I question the validity of them in the first place.” HPNerd44

“I (30 f) am an aunt to 2 nieces (10) and 2 nephews (11 and 8) as well as one step niece (16 f). Their parents are doing OK financially though not comfortable. I am much better off money-wise.

I’m one of those people who don’t know what to give people during Christmas and don’t have enough energy to figure out or guess. For years I gave friends and family gift cards to places I know they frequent like favorite coffee shops or bookstores. For nieces and nephews, I gave cash. I always thought their parents let them buy things they wanted but my bio nieces and nephews recently complained to me how their parents took my cash gifts and put the amount in each kid’s savings account. They said they wanted to be able to buy stuff like their oldest sister. My step-niece also received a cash gift from me but her mom let her spend the money.

So for this year I gave each a box of chocolate at the Christmas gathering and told them I would also take them to the mall as part of my Christmas presents. I took all five out yesterday and gave them $50 each with the oldest getting $70 and told them to buy what they like. I asked the oldest to take the youngest to look around while I asked the middle three where in the mall they would like to go and took them. At the end of the day, everyone got candies and toys and books and clothes. I fed everyone at the food court and dropped them off at my parents because their parents were meeting some friends.

Later that night my sister called to yell at me. She said it was completely inappropriate of me to let her kids spend money freely like that. She said she put the money in the bank for them to teach them to be frugal while I just encouraged them to spend outside of their means. She said once her kids reach their teens like her stepdaughter she would allow them to use the money, too, but right now they’re too young and I am spoiling them.

I think spending money on what you like is part of the Christmas experience. It’s just sad to have to be frugal even during the holidays. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, aunt wants to have kids pick their gifts. Way to go. To skip the complaints take them out before Christmas next year let them know these are going to be your gifts just take them to your place in the bags that they bought them in. And then at the Christmas event hand them all back their bags. It’s not like they can argue with it then huh.” boiledpenny

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I could maybe understand the parents wanting to save some of that money for their kids, but taking the entire cash gift to put in their savings accounts is ridiculous. Sounds like you had a great day with them that they’ll remember for a long time and be able to enjoy their gifts. Maybe next time you could plan a fun outing with them where it’s more just the experience that’s the gift? That could be a good compromise.” 1stPerSEANenergy

“I (24 F) come from a family that has always struggled financially. We’ve never had much, and my parents worked hard to make ends meet. They’ve always emphasized the importance of education, and it was drilled into my head that getting a college degree is the key to a better life.

Fast forward to the present: I am the first person in my family to attend college, and I recently graduated with honours. I landed a great job with a decent salary, which has finally allowed me to have some financial stability.

Here’s where the conflict arises, though. My little brother (20 F) dropped out of high school a few years ago and has been struggling to find his way ever since. He’s been working odd jobs but hasn’t found anything stable.

He recently approached me, asking for help to get back on his feet.

Initially, I felt sympathetic and wanted to support him. I offered to help him enroll in a GED program, pay for the classes, and even help him find a job once he’s done. But, here’s the thing — he refused. He told me that he doesn‘t want to go back to school/work a regular job because he believes it’s ‘not his thing’.

Instead, he asked if I could lend him a significant amount of money to pursue his dream of becoming a social media influencer. He wants to travel, create content, and make a living out of it. Now, I understand that social media can be a legitimate career for some people, but it’s risky, and success is far from guaranteed.

Here’s where I may be the jerk. I told him that I was not comfortable giving him such a large sum of money for an uncertain endeavour. I explained that I worked hard to get where I am, and I didn’t want to jeopardize my financial stability by making a risky investment. I suggested he explore more realistic options, like getting his GED/finding a stable job, but he got upset with me.

He accused me of being selfish, unsupportive, and not understanding his dreams. He said that ‘family should always be there for each other’ and ‘help in times of need’. Now, I feel guilty, but also like I’m being taken advantage of.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Two thoughts. First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you’re asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you’re the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you’re just the next stop on the list… there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.

Second, ‘What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working.’ Rarely, someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they’ll be OK after if they can just resolve one immediate issue. Learn to say ‘I don’t have any more money to lend’ (you might have more money, but not to lend).

If your brother wants to make money on TikTok, and whatnot, he needs to pick a topic that he’s interested in and knows a lot about or whatever and start making videos. He doesn’t need much money for that.

Before you invest anything, you need to see that he’s consistently making content in that people are interested in his content. Tell him it’s like he’s asking you to fund him to be a rockstar, but he hasn’t started taking guitar lessons yet. If he started practicing and getting going to get the guitar and started joining bands, yeah you’d invest in a van for him and his friends to start going to gigs but you wouldn’t rent out Madison Square Garden. To you, it just sounds like he wants you to fund his vacations. You suggest he get a GED, get a job, save up for Van, and start making contact about van life, which he can do for cheap. ‘Yeah, right I am selfish… I put the hours in studying and working and yeah I wanna keep that money. One could say you’re the one who’s selfish because you want my money and you’re not working for it.” bopperbopper

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The thing about school is that it’s not always about how well you do, it’s about finishing something you started. High school got too hard for him in some way, maybe it was the structure, the classes, or the social aspect, but it got hard and he gave up. He struggled with something and took the (seemingly) easy way out. Do you think he’s going to take a large sum of YOUR money and stick to it when it’s not as easy as he thought it would be? No, no he’s not.

Also, it’s really hard to get a good job without a GED or a high school diploma. I remember a kid who dropped out of high school and couldn’t even get a job selling those knives door to door.” LookAwayPlease510

“My husband and I have been married 9 years (34 f, 35 m). 2024-2025 is gonna be an intense time cuz we are building a house. Probably will be done in spring of 2025. 2025 is also our 10th anniversary so I’m saving for a trip to Europe plus a house! (We are both saving for the house but I save for the travel).

That’s the context.

So my MIL wants to take us and my husband’s sister and her kids all on a vacation every other year at Christmas. The idea is that they pay for the hotel/food and we pay for the flights. Well, flights at Christmas are double what they are any other time. So that’s not a cheap ask of us. We did this last year and flights were $2500!

The reason? MIL and FIL had a conversation with my husband and his sister (I never knew about this conversation. No travel during the global crisis but now things are back in full swing) and asked if they wanted an inheritance or if they wanted family memories, which mean a ton of family vacations (that we have to pay a chunk of). They aren’t crazy rich or anything but have very good pensions and some retirement savings.

We went to Mexico last Christmas together. The airline changed our flights so I missed my family’s Christmas and I got super sick. Not so fun.

So this Christmas rolls around and they start talking about next year’s trip! They want to go Jan 2-7. So around holiday time again.

My husband’s sister is a teacher and gets 2 weeks off at Christmas, one week off in late March, and 2 months off in summer. She pays $15,000/year to put her 3 kids in private school. All money is spent on the kids that they have so this is a great deal for her, plus childcare from G&G.

I said flights at Christmas are crazy expensive and we will be building a house (super stressful) and it’s our 10th anniversary and I’m saving up for a trip to Europe for fall 2025. So… we may not have the funds to go over Christmas next year.

What about other times I said. Like summer? His sister said, ‘Then I never get to have a hot vacation.’

So I said what about March… you get spring break right?

She said that’s late March and it’s just not good enough cuz it’s too close to spring…

So basically the only acceptable time to travel according to her is Christmas. Since she is calling the shots it doesn’t matter what I think or what I’m comfortable with.

So I’m thinking… well no. We can’t travel Jan 2025. And they expect us to all travel together during the most expensive time of the year every other year?

I’m also uncomfortable spending lots of time with his family. We are both agnostic but they are SUPER RELIGIOUS! (homophobic and racist slurs are not uncommon)

It’s taxing being around people you disagree with on so many fundamental levels.

So! Would you do this? Travel every other year together? Or AITJ and ungrateful for not wanting to go?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – If you are generally good about making these family memories then everyone who agrees must be flexible about the dates. Having just one person nix dates in the family is entitled and wrong to impose on everyone else. You bring up valid points and why should you have to be the one to always bend and not her? Tell her and the rest of the family, oops, sorry but we can’t make it this year, and list the same reasons you have given. If they want you to go they will ask your SIL to change. Your reasons are just as valid as hers.” Mustng1966

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You gave it a try, but it’s not working out. Time to get off the carousel of madness. No one should have to put out that kind of money on a FORCED ‘obligation’ trip, and certainly not more than once. When your ‘holiday memories’ are being turned into dread and misery, then that is reason enough to put the brakes on. ‘Vacation’ time is precious and should not be spent on Obligation trips that are for someone else’s pleasure, and to do so on a repeatedly? No. That’s too big an ask.” TrainingDearest

“I (24 f) recently moved to the same city as my brother. My brother has my niece Olivia (10 f) with his late wife. He’s been married for two years to Kate who has a kid from a previous relationship, Tim (7 m). Tim is autistic. Tim alternates one week with his dad and another with my brother and Kate.

I agreed to babysit Olivia today while my brother and Kate run some errands for 5-6 hours. Tim was supposed to be with his dad. The night before, Kate called and asked me to watch Tim as well as there was some emergency at his dad’s and he dropped Tim off at her place. Kate said Tim would be fine just watching some movies and then a nap. As long as I stick to this routine there should be no problem. She would provide the movies and the snacks he was comfortable to eat.

The thing was, I planned to take Kate to a cafe she told me she wanted to visit. It was supposed to be a surprise. Having to stay home with Tim would greatly change the flow of our day. In addition, I have met Tim like twice and don’t know him well. I have no experience with special needs kids and didn’t think I was equipped to look after one. Due to these reasons, I refused to babysit Tim. I told them I could only take Olivia as previously agreed.

My brother and Kate called me a jerk for not helping out. They told me an extra kid cost me almost nothing while their only other option was to bring Tim to Kate’s mom who can’t drive and lives almost an hour away.

They still brought Olivia over and we had a great time. They picked up Olivia 2 hours later than they were supposed to and Tim was crying. My brother and Kate said all this could have been prevented had I just helped out because Tim would be relaxing at my place instead of being stuck in traffic and getting cranky.

I just told them emergencies happen and I was not ready to be their plan B. Kate called me playing favourites and not seeing Tim as my family. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Yeah, I think YTJ. Not all special needs or autistic kids are the same. I get your hesitation, but Kate told you that Tim would be fine just chilling, watching movies, and eating snacks, both of which she was going to provide.

While it sucks to have your plans altered, you could have taken Olivia to that cafe some other time, and taking Tim would have helped out Kate and your brother.

Do I think you’re a huge jerk? No. As I said, I understand your discomfort. But I kind of feel as though a big part of you saying no was that you didn’t want to have to change your plans as opposed to feeling completely ill-equipped to care for this other kid.

Now, I do have a couple of caveats. I’m assuming here that there was a good reason why either your brother or Kate couldn’t stay home to watch him while the other did the errands, and I’m assuming that Kate wasn’t downplaying Tim’s issues, that she was being truthful that he’d be fine. If either of those is wrong, NTJ.” megamawax

Another User Comments:

“First of all NTJ but your brother’s wife should watch her tone. She accused you of playing favourites and not treating Tim like family – but he’s not. Tim is not your brother and her child, he’s her child. Just as Olivia is not her child but is your niece.

You just moved there, but Tim’s care structure is mom, dad… you? Why isn’t there support closer than an hour away? Tim’s dad has no one but mom? Mom has no one but Tim’s dad? Tim is 7 and has special needs, is there no one else involved in his life that would be equipped to manage his needs/routine?” Rodharet50399

“My daughter (3) started crying in her room at 3 am, which is highly unusual for her. She’s usually a very good sleeper. I heard her but was breastfeeding my son so I couldn’t get up, so I woke my husband up and asked him to go see what was going on. He came back a few minutes later with her in his arms and said she had an accident and was complaining her throat hurt. He laid her in bed next to me while he changed his clothes (he got pee on him) and then picked her up and went back to her room, where he stayed with her the rest of the night. At no point did he ask me what to do or tell me what he was going to do.

I got up this morning and went into her room to tell him it was time to get her up for daycare and he said something about how he slept in pee all night. I asked him what he meant and he told me he put her back into her pee-soaked bed because he didn’t know what else to do. I told him there was another change of sheets under the wet sheets (I do this specifically so we can rip the top sheet and waterproof mattress cover off in the middle of the night and have a new set of sheets under it ready to go). He told me he forgot. I left it alone because he was already in a bad mood, but later today I told him that he really shouldn’t have put her back into a bed soaked in pee. He got upset and told me he didn’t know what to do and I didn’t give him any direction. I told him I didn’t realize he needed direction and that it seemed obvious that you wouldn’t do that. It turned into a fight and now we’re both upset with one another.

AITJ for telling him that he shouldn’t have put her back in bed like that? Is this an acceptable response to a kid peeing on the bed?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. He had other options but he chose to do something uncomfortable, lazy, and unnecessary. He forgot about the extra sheet set-up but he could have:

1) Asked you where more sheets were since you were still awake.

2) taken her to the couch.

3) set up a temporary bed in your bedroom on the floor with dry blankets. Instead, he decided to play the martyr, forcing her to also sleep on wet, urine-soaked sheets, which would have been so cold.

Sleeping on wet sheets would be freezing. He’s the jerk without any common sense.” LoveBeach8

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your husband changed his clothes because he recognizes that being covered in pee is disgusting. He then ‘carried your three-year-old child back into the room and placed her on the pee for the rest of the night’. Then he blamed you for ‘not telling him what to do,’ like the answer wasn’t clear as day and right before his eyes. He put your child on pee for HOURS. On PURPOSE. This man is an intentional menace. You know that he knew EXACTLY what to do and still ‘laid your baby down on the pee blanket’.” User

“I (29 f) live with my husband and our two dogs a 20-minute drive from my childhood home. My parents are there with my two nieces, Sally and Emma (both 16). Sally is my brother who passed away along with his wife 2 years ago and my parents are now her guardian. Emma is my sister who has currently working overseas for a few years. She went to stay with my parents about the same time Sally did and her mom is due back in the middle of 2024. Emma’s father has never been in her life.

My husband’s family lives a few hours away and we always spend the December holiday with them while my parents get Thanksgiving. Ever since the girls moved in with my parents, I offered them the chance to pet-sit my dogs for my husband and me. They would need to take them on walks and feed them and all that. We offered a rather generous pay for the job.

Sally is allergic to dogs while Emma is not. Emma took the job and did well and has been our December pet sitter for a couple of years now as well as the occasional shorter-term sitter other part of the year. Last week I went to visit my parents and to ask Emma if she would take pet sitting again which she happily said yes. I noticed that Sally was a bit sulky and asked her what was wrong. Sally said that Emma was lucky to be working for me at such great pay and that she’s guaranteed a job every December while Sally has to work minimum wage with the occasional babysitting jobs. Sally said I should get her a job, too, to be fair.

I told her I don’t create jobs just to hire people for them. The jobs were just there, needing to be done, and it is unfortunate but not my fault that she’s not qualified for a job I need. Sally said an allergy is not something she can control and Emma shouldn’t get to reap the benefits and it’s not fair. I told her sometimes life isn’t fair and suggested she find what she can do and make the most out of it.

My mom later called me and said I was being insensitive and that maybe I could have Sally help file my documents or something. I told her I would be wasting money and time having Sally do something that doesn’t need to be done. My mom said my husband and I are well off enough we can spare a few hundred bucks this holiday to save Sally’s feelings.

I don’t believe in coddling and I think Sally needs to learn things can’t always go her way. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Unfortunately, Sally is finding out early the truth of the working world: it doesn’t matter what skills you have or how skilled you are, if you can’t do the work on offer there is no work. Supply and demand. You need a dog sitter, Emma can dog sit, but Sally can’t. It sucks for Sally, and it isn’t her fault, but it isn’t yours either. You don’t owe her a job. You don’t owe her equal opportunity with her cousin. If it was me? I probably would try and find her a job. But I’d make it a ‘real’ job. Deep cleaning the bathroom or kitchen, weeding the entire lawn, something worth the money. But I’d also make it clear that any job in my home ‘also included the presence of the dogs’.” Natural_Garbage7674

Another User Comments:

“You’re NTJ for not pulling a job out of thin air BUT leaning towards YTJ for how you spoke to Sally. She already knows life is unfair and won’t always go her way, she lost both her parents. You didn’t need to rub it in her face that one more thing in life didn’t go her way, i.e. her allergies. You don’t have to coddle her but Sally is going to take it as favoritism towards Emma that only she gets a job from their Aunt and that’s going to create a rift between them.

It’s a tough position to be in but maybe you could sit both girls down and tell them you made a mistake you couldn’t have foreseen the consequences of and didn’t mean to come between them or hurt either of their feelings, but it’d probably be best to have Emma stop dog sitting since you don’t have a different job to offer Sally.” narsenic

“My ex (m) and I (f) are both in our mid-40s and have been divorced for 12 years, were married for 10. Our kids together are 22, 20, and 18. Ex-MIL and ex-H have a strained relationship, because of this, and rarely talk, so ex-MIL reached out to me as neither ex-H nor the kids seemed interested in talking to her.

Ex-MIL asked me why none of her grandkids bother to see her for Christmas or any holidays/birthdays for that matter. She said she loves the kids and misses them terribly but feels lonely and wants to spend time with them. That she can’t understand what she did to make them treat her this way.

I tried to gently explain to ex-MIL that the kids felt rather neglected by her. Ex-MIL lives 2 states away and since the oldest has been born, she’s only travelled here once to see the kids. Every other time it was my ex and I when we were together or just my ex and the kids after we split up. Unless the kids were there in person for holidays or birthdays they never got gifts from her. Ex-MIL also never calls just to say she misses them or loves them to the kids, nor does she call oh holidays or birthdays. The few times a year she does call it a guilt trip with a side of a pity party, the conversation is only about her. (Ex-MIL is decently well off and she can drive so she can make the trip, I’d be understanding if that was the case.)

The kids are all young adults now, so not kids anymore, and they see how little their grandma puts into seeing them and being part of their lives. They’ve all taken the attitude of, we’ll go see grandma when grandma comes to see us. My ex and I both agree it’s their choice and they are old enough to make that choice. The last time they travelled to see ex-MIL was 6 years ago to attend a funeral, there have been no visits since then

I relayed all of that to ex-MIL, telling her that effort begets effort, and other than her choosing not to be more involved she had always been welcome. Ex-MIL started crying, saying that those are her grandchildren and she deserves to be in their lives but she feels like they all hate her.

I responded with, they don’t hate you yet, but you’re the only one who can fix that, and hung up the phone. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Sounds like MIL is a very selfish person who manipulates people into meeting her needs. You can’t win with those people. Indifference and civility are the best ways to keep yourself insulated and maintain some self-respect. You only doubt yourself because she makes it clear she resents people who don’t fulfill her misplaced sense of entitlement. Creating human beings doesn’t entitle you to unconditional love from them and their heirs for life. Bearing children is not a multilevel marketing.” User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. When she says she deserves to be in their lives, she sounds like what she means is that she deserves them to do all the work to include her in their lives. She could easily do that work herself but she thinks it’s the responsibility of others. That kind of attitude is sometimes present in elder family members as if their age means other people are responsible for all the effort and emotional labour and that they are simply due that because they’re the ‘grand’ or older whatever.” rebelcompass

“I (17 M) work in a food court. My job is mainly making sandwiches and serving customers, and during non-rush hour times, service gets slow and staff are encouraged to chat with customers, especially if they’re waiting for their food. One such customer (about 29 M, though he could have been in his early 30s) had ordered a toasted sandwich, and as I waited for it to be ready I made small talk about the holiday season and Christmas plans. He said he had no plans, as he had a small family who were all away, and I offhandedly mentioned that I had a larger family, and so would be doing two separate big Christmases. He then jokingly said he should tag along and asked what area I was located in. I lied, obviously, but he kind of nodded and continued talking to me.

Once his sandwich was done, I went to wrap it up and pack it up and saw him writing something on his receipt, which ended up being his phone number. He asked if we could ‘exchange numbers’ as he’d ‘love to get to know me over Christmas’. I was a bit creeped out and said that would be a bit of a problem as I was still a minor. He then asked me when I’d be turning 18. I vaguely said a few months, and he said that he’d wait for me to turn 18 so I could reconsider his offer. This creeped me out, so after he’d left I contacted the shopping center security and requested that they keep an eye on him, just to see if he’d return to the store I worked at on my days off. I also let my boss know, and she promised to keep an eye out for him and try warding him off if he came looking.

One of my coworkers got wind of this and said I was being too paranoid, saying he was just a lonely guy who probably didn’t mean any harm, and that calling security was overkill. I don’t see it that way, but now I’m worried I’ve just upset some lonely guy. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If you were a girl no one would think this was ok for a second, and that doesn’t change just because you aren’t. We deal with a lot of lonely people who ‘don’t mean any harm’ in my line of work, but we are still encouraged to report them to our boss so he can escalate things as needed. He values our safety and comfort at work and realizes that while some people are just weird, some actually will try something, and regardless we shouldn’t have to put up with their weirdness. You did nothing wrong.” Elizabeth__Sparrow

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You don’t have to put up with unwanted advances from customers. The absolute LATEST this creep should have backed off is when you said you were a minor. But he never backed off at all, he doubled down. And it’s not any different nor any less serious because you’re a guy, either. You’re not just being paranoid, that interaction was incredibly creepy and concerning. You were entirely correct to alert your manager and security.” PinkNGreenFluoride

“I (27 f) and my fiancé (26 f) recently had our first baby at the end of October. We live far from both of our families (the closest being 5 hours away) and have few friends that live around us. Because of this, I opted out of having a baby shower. My fiancés parents and their friends decided they were going to throw a baby shower for me, which while I was very grateful that they would be willing to do that, I was against the idea because I didn’t even know their friend that offer to host the shower, and I wouldn’t know 99% of the guests and the thought of going to a party dedicated to me and my baby with a bunch of people I don’t know getting me gifts was something that made me uncomfortable. They insisted.

Come the day of the shower, we travelled 5 hours to my in-law’s friend’s house that hosted and she went ALL OUT, even getting handmade soaps made with my baby’s name on them. This made me even more uncomfortable (I grew up in a low-income household, so I am not used to this kind of thing). I didn’t know anyone there and just felt very out of place, it felt more like a party for my in-laws than anything.

At the end of the shower, I thanked everyone profusely, especially the host, for going so out of their way for someone they never met.

Come a month later, my baby got delivered 5 weeks early because I had preeclampsia and she was under 5 lbs. My fiancé and I had to spend a lot of money getting premie stuff, we also decided that since I only had 8 weeks of unpaid maternity leave I wouldn’t be going back to work, as our daughter was premature and the cost of childcare around where we live would be more than half of my salary/month. Deciding to become a one-income household and having a new baby, plus it being so close to Christmas we are making big sacrifices to be able to afford to give our baby the best life.

That brings us to now, after arguing with them that we weren’t going to travel 5+ hours with a newborn to spend her first Xmas with them, they expressed that they (and some guests) were VERY upset we hadn’t sent out thank you cards yet since they had gone so out of their way. I never asked to have a baby shower and even was against the idea at first. I don’t want to seem ungrateful, I am very grateful and have expressed so endlessly, but I don’t even know the names of most of the people that came, let alone their addresses to send them a card! They also know that we are trying to save as much money as possible to be able to compensate for my loss of income and spending money on thank you cards and postage seems unnecessary to me.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never received a thank you card from any gift I’ve given at a baby shower nor did I ever expect one.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. You have a lot going on, but yes, you need to send thank you notes. These people spent time and money doing something nice and trying to establish a bond with you. This doesn’t have to be a big deal and your husband needs to do half the work.

Get the addresses from your MIL. You can get thank you notes from Walmart or Amazon for about $10 for a box of 25. Create a template of 4 basic sentences to use and modify only to personalize: ‘Thank you so much for the XXX. It will be very helpful in bathing/feeding/cuddling/dressing Baby. As you may have heard, Baby came early so it’s been an exciting but exhausting time for us. It was nice to meet you at the shower, and I hope you to see you again next time we visit.’ Assuming about 20 people came, you can finish this project in an hour and for under $25.” Glowysmommy

Another User Comments:

“Is it an established thing to send them? Yes. In my opinion, is having a baby a pretty good excuse not to? Also, yes. Baby showers are an event I would expect grace on a thank you card being sent as they are usually hosted soon before GIVING BIRTH, which you also did earlier than expected. I will point out that on the saving money side of things, having a shower and getting necessities probably did help with that a good bit.

If you wanted to keep the peace, I do think you and your fiance could knock it out in an afternoon for relatively cheap. But I think it’s weird they told you people were upset… who gets upset about that instead of assuming it was lost in the mail or acknowledging you had the baby early? NTA” ProofReplacement3278

“My former stepmother (my late father’s widow) is terminally ill. I have not seen her since his death seven years ago. I kept minimal contact with my half-siblings (15 and 16) through her but not closely either. My relationships with them were complicated and I do not care for the woman at all. My former stepmother’s brother contacted me and told me she needs someone to take care of her now and it should not fall on my half-siblings and cannot fall on him as he lives in another state. Her condition is terminal and they believe she has less than a year left.

I was told by her brother that I should take responsibility for helping to care for her given she was my stepmother for many years of my life and she is the mother to the two kids I should be willing to take in once she has passed. He told me refusing to care for their mother was going to permanently end my relationship with them.

For those wondering about background. My mom and my former stepmother were very close friends and before my mom’s death, my former stepmother and father betrayed her by carrying out an affair. I overheard the fight when my mom found out the truth.

Once my mom had passed my former stepmother decided to create a huge scene at my mom’s funeral and insulted my mom’s parents and insulted her sisters for saying my former stepmother had no place at the funeral. She tried to say as my future stepmother and my mom’s closest friend she would always have a place. I called her names that day. She told me I would regret it one day. That day has never come. But she did revel in telling me all my mom’s flaws after she and my dad married. I never saw Dad the same way either. But he refused to let the relationship go completely and did his best to maintain contact once I left his house. He died when I was 20.

I told him I would not care for his sister and I made it very clear to him that I was not going to make her end of life any easier than she made my mom’s. My half-siblings called me and told me their mom was asking for me and they were scared and wanted me to be there at the end. They said she needs someone to help her and they can only do so much with school, that they hate leaving her alone. I told them I was sorry and I knew what it was like to watch your mom slowly fade, but that I was not the one to do it. My half-brother asked if I didn’t love her at all after all this time. I said no. He told me to stay away then and from them as well.

My father’s sister heard about all that happened and she told me I should be more mature than that and I should be more loving and compassionate to my half-siblings. She told me I should love them more than I hate their mom and agree to care for her to make their next year a lot less stressful. When I refused she called me a cruel and selfish person and she told me I was behaving like the very person I hated the most.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. First, let me offer my condolences on the loss of both of your Parents. And, with my condolences, you also have my sympathy for the aftermath you suffered with your father and his wife. You are not the jerk in the family game of ‘Not it’. You have no obligation to provide supplemental care for another person’s loved one as they pass. You also have no obligation to make your half-sibling’s end-of-life care for their mother more manageable, regardless of their wishes or your stepmother’s.

You have your own mourning process to go through as this woman passes, and the myriad of feelings you’re experiencing are very different from what others are experiencing. If your relatives take a stance against your decisions, let it be – and block their numbers for a while. You’ve every right to mourn your loss in whatever way eases your grief.” Mysterious_Pea_5008

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The only thing that may be worth regretting is the relationship between you and your half-siblings. They weren’t involved in jerk dad/stepmom actions before their birth and they have never known anything different (and are still relatively young on top of that). Of course, that is the world that jerk dad and jerk stepmom built for them, not OP.

I would respect the half-brother’s request to stay away from both the jerk stepmom and the half-siblings with no further hard feelings. It’s not their fault and they can feel this way, and they are not making undue demands that OP be there, knowing OP’s true feelings. Sad, but again, this is all the fault of the jerk dad and jerk stepmom.” JsCTmav

“I (17 F) am usually the main cook in the house. My mum (55 F) doesn’t cook often maybe once every two weeks she makes mine and her dinner. My sister (15 F) has sensory issues and mostly eats snacks throughout the day and sometimes meals I make. When I’m not at home and college my mum will eat mostly snacks and rarely cooks without me there. This has been going on since I was 15. I don’t enjoy cooking (especially for long periods) but the food always turns out pretty good so I can put up with it. Usually, I go to the shops and my mum lets me pick foods that are turned into meals but recently I’ve not been going and just my mum and sister have been. I also budget the online food shopping and do all the meal planning my mum hasn’t done this in years because she ‘doesn’t like shopping’.

Each time they go to the shops they come back with mostly snacks and absolutely nothing I like. It’s been going on for months now and I hadn’t mentioned anything, I didn’t think it would last as long as it has. They will eat snacks for dinner and I will mostly find random stuff like biscuits, microwaveable rice, pot noodles, etc. It’s a bit rubbish if I’m being honest each time I helped shopping I made sure the food suited everybody’s needs.

Well, the other week they went to the shops after an appointment, I didn’t know they were going but they came back there were 10+ bags and I helped them in, I started unpacking the bags and then the following comment was made ‘You’re going to need to find your dinner we’ve got a steak pie for dinner’. I didn’t say anything but I was pretty upset.

While unpacking the bags I realized that yet again there was absolutely nothing I liked and only microwaveable meals and snacks for them. I started crying and my mum asked why and I told her I feel like they don’t appreciate the efforts I put into dinners and sometimes they can take 2+ hours to make and it would be nice if they could think about me for once. They both say I’m overreacting but I’m honestly just upset, me making these meals is how I show I love and care for people. I honestly didn’t want it to become something it isn’t, we’ve moved on but AITJ?

And yes I feel stupid that I got this upset over a steak pie.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – Your reaction is valid and easily understandable. You seem to be showing your love for your family by accepting the role of family chef, a role you don’t particularly want or enjoy, and in return, they show nearly zero consideration or appreciation for what you provide, to the point where their grocery runs don’t include any foods you enjoy.

You are not wrong for feeling this way. I might advise taking some time to compose yourself and your thoughts and then asking to talk to your mom about adjusting the grocery list to include things you like. If they’re unwilling to properly appreciate your sacrifice, start slowly weaning yourself off of the cooking and let them fend for themselves. Cook for just yourself or something. Maybe if they see what they’re missing they’ll appreciate you more.” Sneaky__Fox85

Another User Comments:

“Naturally they want you to think you are overreacting. Their slave is starting to think for herself and realize she has been abused for the last 2 years. It is in no way right for you as a child, to be responsible for preparing meals for the house. But I want to be VERY VERY VERY clear here. This is a form of abuse called parentalization. Your mother is making you the parent of the house because she isn’t mature enough or too lazy to do it herself. If I were you I would only cook for yourself since you are more or less stuck there for a year or two at least. If you can buy your food. Stop supporting them though. Let them eat crap, get fat, contract diabetes, and die missing feet. You are bound for better things.” blavek

“I (31 F) have never been a religious person. Everyone in my family is religious in some way. No one is a zealot, but they have faith and often go to church or at the very least pray.

I’ve never kept it a secret that I’ve never been religious, and that I’m more spiritual (Nature speaks to you if you listen sort of thing.).

I don’t make a big deal about it, and I respect people’s faith. When we’re having family dinners, everyone prays. I just sit quietly out of respect for the family, but I never lead prayer at dinners, I don’t go to church despite many family members trying over the years to get me to go. I was forced to go as a young teen and it made me feel very uncomfortable, and I loathed going.

Over time, many family members just left it alone and faith/religion is just not a topic we talk about. Prayers still happen at family dinners, and I still just sit quietly to allow people to do so. Whenever faith talks come up, I just either check out mentally or excuse myself. This has worked well for quite some time; until recently.

A year and a half ago my brother passed away. It devastated the entire family. My brother used to be very involved in church, but he was the only one who never pushed me about church, or religion at all.

Well, with his passing, one of my grandmas has been bringing up turning to faith and religion to me a lot. The whole, ‘If you turn to Jesus and put your faith in God, your wounds will heal.’

I typically just let comments like these slide to keep the peace. But I finally hit a point where I had enough. She knows that I’m not religious and that I have no interest and I found it very disrespectful that my pain and suffering over the loss of my brother was used as a chance to try to turn me to god and Jesus.

So I just turned to her and said, ‘Whatever faith I might have had died with my brother.’ This deeply upset her because she just wants me to be able to heal and she’s always believed that the love of god and Jesus heals all with time, and that in their arms we are protected. I withheld my snide remark that if we were safe in their arms my brother wouldn’t have died; because that did not need to be said in anger.

My grandma hasn’t said anything on the topic since, but I’ve had a few people tell me that my comment hurt her.

I feel bad that I hurt her feelings, but I’m so tired and frustrated with constantly being pushed toward religion when I’ve made it clear that I have no fondness for nor intention of turning to God and Jesus.”

Another User Comments:

“I’m going to go against the grain slightly and say ‘no jerks here’. By your admission, no one in your family is a religious zealot, so I am not going to presume that your grandmother is being predatory. If you and her have had a good relationship until now, her intentions might be out of genuinely wanting to help you heal. Your brother’s untimely passing has devastated your family, she felt that pain too, and her faith has helped her. She sees you hurting and wants to help in her way. It’s misguided, absolutely and she should have stopped when you told her to.

I would suggest talking to her and telling her that last sentence in your story. You were at the end of your rope and she was in the line of fire. Especially if this is a relationship you want to heal.” Shark1986

Another User Comments:

“First, sorry for your loss. She is right about what she said to a point. Time does help heal wounds and some wounds take longer to heal than others. NTJ but YTJ – I get that you are frustrated about religion. You know you were wrong for saying what you said to her. Your grandmother’s way of dealing with the loss of her grandson was putting more faith in God.

Would putting faith in God help you? Only you can answer it. However, being forced to believe in God, well, only pushes people further away. I would just talk to your grandmother and tell her how it bothers you and how frustrating it is. She may have not known it or she may have. She also may have thought you are religious but hate to talk about it. I am guessing she is in her later 70’s or older.” WestLow880

“I and my wife are in our late 30s, married for 4 years.

I’m rarely the type to ever get fever sick in general and when I do, I just drown myself in ‘feel better products’ (nyquil, soup, tea, orange juice) for a day or 2 while also just taking it easy. My fiancée on the other hand is the complete opposite. She passively feels ‘off’ every day due to something: not handling work stress well, bored from working at home, hating the weather (no matter what season, they all suck), feeling drained because she never really eats well, feeling lethargic because she doesn’t exercise regularly, etc. If she does ever get fever sick, she simply goes to bed and will not go back to work until she feels better (maybe a day or 2).

So, I recently started to feel sick (fever, cold chills, sneezing nonstop, low energy) and I did my usual slow down and recovery effort. The first day I made it clear why I was moving slower and just acting off so there was no unsaid surprise. I didn’t complain. I said very little throughout the day and just went into auto-drive. When day 2 rolled around, I still felt off but better.

My wife asked if I would be going to the gym as usual and I said no.

She then proceeded to get mad at me for asking how she was feeling since I knew I was off.

She goes into left field telling me how she is surprised that I can’t sympathize with her and ever feel proud about her daily struggles.

I asked what she was talking about.

She told me that the way I currently felt is how she feels every day and that I never acknowledged her efforts for only mildly complaining every day instead of losing it completely.

I was baffled and asked her why I was being yelled at for simply asking how she was feeling for the day. I already still feel bad overall but now I’m being yelled at for not making efforts apparently in the past.

As she kept pushing for a fight, I eventually told her that she was a narcissist and that it was trashy to kick me when I was down in health. I confirmed that I did make efforts to sympathize with her but at a certain point, she was just complaining without making any effort to address the problem or relax to unwind from it all. I told her that in a way I was starting to see that she was acting like her dad (which she hates for similar reasons as this scenario). Bold comment, I admit, but the scenario was almost exactly the same as what she dealt with except she was in the hospital and he made her feel like crap because he visited & was complaining non-stop about his minor issues that were just a joke.

These types of scenarios have been occurring a lot more in the last 2 years but it really hits me the hardest when she pulls them when I get sick. I literally try to avoid her when I get sick because this legitimately happens every time for one reason or another.

So, AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ.

1. There’s nothing that you say that makes her a narcissist.

2. Narcissism is a diagnosis of a disorder and you can’t say it that easily without being a jerk.

3. She’s not like her dad, you’re acting like her dad. You feel a bit ill, o boehoe, she got to feel that way every day.

4. She just needed you to let her know that you appreciate what she does while not in good health. She needed a bit of empathy now you also feel off.

5. You start by telling us how you do everything perfectly and take care of your health and she does not. So you basically want to paint a picture that it’s her own fault she feels sick. I do understand why you not going to the gym triggered her. She’s feeling like crap every day and you probably keep reminding her she needs to go to the gym. And now you feel that way and you don’t even go yourself… Think about which one of you two is showing narcissistic behavior… hint, it’s not her. (I say showing behavior, not that you are! That’s not up to me and that’s not an easy diagnosis)” dancing82

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here. None of this sounds like narcissist behavior, just a woman who deals with general malaise (and perhaps depression, but I’m not a psychiatrist) regularly and feels she doesn’t receive the validation she deserves. She handled her reaction poorly; that doesn’t mean you don’t also deserve validation and sympathy when you are feeling unwell.

However, throwing terms around like ‘narcissist’ because someone acts selfishly is inappropriate. NPD is an actual condition with specific behaviors and diagnoses. It’s become a trump card to shut people up when they’re just acting trashy, and it’s wrong.

Honestly, I think couple’s therapy could do you both a world of good. This mostly sounds like a breakdown in communication that has festered for so long it has caused resentments in you both.” TimeAfterTime23

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. It sounds like your wife has a chronic illness, maybe even multiple. She also sounds like she’s at the end of her rope trying to get you to see that and empathize/sympathize. Was it the best moment to tell you when you’re sick? Probably not. But it does make me wonder how many times she’s tried to express this and you’ve shut her down because she doesn’t deal with her illnesses the way you do.

I was going with ‘everyone sucks here’ except that you went for a low blow by comparing her to her father. What did you think that would do?” craaackle

“I am a man (28) who has a twin sister she is getting married early next year. My wife (29) and I have two kids – one is 8 and the other is 1. Due to the relationship between us and my sister my wife and I have been going to counselling to better our relationship. With the help of counselling and my wife, I have started to see how my sister has been trying to control all aspects of my life since we were kids, as well as actively trying to sabotage my relationship with my wife. She started with snippy comments to and about my wife, escalated to trying to ruin my wife’s bachelorette party and our wedding all the while stepping up her game of general disrespect, culminating in the fact that she refuses to talk to me. She would not respond to me wishing her a happy birthday on our shared birthday (remember twins). With all of this we have started to put up healthy boundaries between her and our kids to keep them safe much to the distance of my family, both extended and my parents, so we haven’t talked in a while.

Now back to the wedding seeing as the wedding is coming up we were expecting an invite and didn’t get one but we did get an invite for our 8-year-old son (only) that explicitly stated for just him no guests. To be the bigger person, I reached out to try and see if we could mend fences to allow our son to go. (this went wrong so much so that I ended up losing my temper and calling her a name that my entire family thinks that I have to apologize to her). So we decided to not let him go we told my parents and my sister this and were greeted with anger from her and my parents and accusations that we were just trying to keep him away from her and we were trying to break up the family. We don’t feel it’s safe to send our son to this event without us, because we don’t feel safe letting him go without his family and that it would be a harmful environment for him. So are we the jerks trying to break up our family?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ in any way, shape, or form. Your family sounds utterly preposterous to believe that an 8-year-old attending a wedding on their own without their parents would be acceptable in any scenario. If she does not want a relationship with you and your wife, well, good riddance I guess, but that naturally extends to your children too. To be honest, I think you need to finally take that step to go no contact because this is just incredibly ridiculous.” BoyoDee

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She’s demanding the 8-year-old to go but not you or SO, and your parents have chosen her side. Wow. Seriously, shut that nonsense down. The 8-year-old stays home, and your vindictive, power-play sister can get lost. Further, limit the  8-year-old and 1-year-old’s time with those grandparents. They are way out of line for enabling this nonsense. If they actually cared about your family, they’d be arguing with your sister, not you. Since they only care about sister and grandbabies, deny them the grandbabies.” KronkLaSworda

“My brother has a daughter (f 4) and she is currently sick. I mean fever, cough, blocked nose, etc. He told me today that I will look after her when he takes his wife so she can do her eyelashes. I refused. I told him that I couldn’t because I had surgery in 9 days and I had to be healthy and I was getting sick quite easily. I would have to stay with her for a minimum of three hours as the appointment is almost a one-hour drive from the house.

He straight away told me that he would never again ask me to look after her and that I always have problems with it. I told him that I love my niece and I don’t have a problem with looking after her, but he demanded that I look after her and not even ask me. In the past, he would bring her by without telling me and would leave.

He told me that I am never looking after her when I am with her because I’m always on my phone. He walked on me once when I was staying with her for 10 minutes so he could help our dad and she was drawing, so I answered a work email.

I responded that I never am on my phone with her unless I have to text someone and it’s like a minute and she is at that age that she will ask to watch some YouTube videos, but after 10 minutes she stops. He told me that he would remember that and that I was a jerk because I just didn’t want to stay with her and just told him a cheap excuse and now he will have to take his sick child with him when his wife attends her appointment.

I do feel bad, but I want another opinion.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She isn’t your child. Yes, it is awesome to have help when you have a child, but not only is NO reason enough to not watch a child that isn’t yours, you have an incredible reason, in that you are having surgery. If you get sick, they will have to postpone, as you wouldn’t heal as quickly and it could lead to infection. That is dangerous.

Additionally, the appointment he is taking his wife to is completely unnecessary. I am not judging what people choose to do with their bodies on this, but that isn’t an urgent appointment. Surgery is different.” JGalKnit

Another User Comments:

“Why are you justifying answering an email or taking a call for 10 minutes when your neice is occupied, indoors, safe, and in the same vicinity as you?

Also, an eyelash appointment isn’t an emergency or a doctor’s appointment. It’s a luxury and can be rearranged for when your niece is well. It’s not a necessity, it’s a want.

I wouldn’t even be surprised if it turned into longer than 3 hours, traffic, stopping for dinner… It’s not your job to be their drop-of-a-hat childcare. It’s not your job or responsibility to care for a sick child. It’s theirs. You have to prioritize your health because rearranging surgery is a lot more of a hassle than rearranging a beauty treatment. You don’t need a reason to say no, but if you’re looking for one, her being sick is more than enough reason to begin with. NTJ” Adorable-Reaction887

“I (20 F) am getting married this spring. My father (51 M) will likely not be walking me down the aisle. We’ve had a strained relationship for a good portion of my life, despite him financially providing for me. My parents divorced when I was 15.

Onto my dad. He works a difficult job as an executive at a tech company and brings in at least half a million a year with bonuses. My mother works as an instructor at a local polytech, and we’re well-off because of their hard work. He’s been very emotionally withdrawn for as long as I can remember and has never told me he loves me or shown any affection. He’s never been to a single school event, never driven me to school, never spent time with me, never showed any interest in me/achievements… and so on. Just a guy who lived in my house.

My mother is, simply put, a superhero to me. She worked hard my entire life to provide me with a normal childhood and showed up to everything. She even broke her no-contact with my grandpa and encouraged him to attend my father-daughter events at school so I wouldn’t feel out of place. She worked a 9-5, but still made me homecooked breakfast, lunches, and dinner. She tucked me in every night, called out of work to come to therapy with me, always noticed when something was wrong, and magically made it better.

A year after the divorce, he started paying more attention to me. This coincided with him seeing a new woman (who was married with kids and was a source of scandal in the family). This was shortly after I left an abusive relationship. He stepped up to provide me with comfort and caring more than he ever did previously (I’ve had very poor mental health since I began grade school, and he never noticed, despite me having scars and being in hospitals often). He began taking a bigger parental role in my life, despite my living with my mom full-time. However, his attempts were always half-hearted and I usually left feeling sour.

This spring, I’m getting married to my high school sweetheart (20 M). He’s everything I’ve ever wanted and knows about my relationship with my father. When I was worrying about whether I wanted him to be in the wedding party or not, he suggested that my mother walk me down the aisle. I loved this idea since she practically raised me on her own, and she was the one who also took my fiancé under her wing when we were younger.

Yesterday, I had lunch with my father to invite him to the wedding, and he was surprised to hear I was getting married (even though my fiancé and I have been engaged for a year, he was invited to the party but didn’t attend as he was in Japan on a trip). I bit my tongue about it and let it slide until he asked when he should arrive to walk me down the aisle. I broke the news to him that he wouldn’t be the one doing it, and he got up silently and left. He has since not answered any calls or texts, even from my mom. I’m still planning on having her walk me down the aisle. WIBTJ if he was only a guest?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The fact that he didn’t pay enough attention to realize you were getting married, tells you everything you need to know. You should send him a polite message and point out that if he couldn’t even be bothered to keep track of your engagement, why does he think he should get to walk you down the aisle, he’s lucky you even invited him to the wedding. Tell him if he can’t be happy for you, and accept the consequences of his actions, then he should consider his invite rescinded.” jayare75

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You have every right to choose these things at your wedding. It sounds like your father is trying, but is an emotionally constipated person. It’s frustrating to me when I hear of fathers who were distant or absent (emotionally or physically) for a large part of their children’s lives and then think they can make up for lost time, especially when they don’t make the full effort.

It’s downright infuriating when they throw these little tantrums about not getting the traditional moments/honours of fatherhood when they didn’t earn them. If your relationship with your father is something you want to mend or preserve, you might have him join your mom in this role (I wouldn’t, but it’s an option and it’s traditional in some cultures to walk the aisle with both parents) or you could spotlight him in another way, like the father/daughter dance or a speech.

I  wouldn’t bother unless he comes around and communicates with you. I mean, he didn’t even know you were getting married! How surprised could he be that you didn’t plan on him ‘giving you away’?” Icy_Blueness1206