People Hope Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories Won't Define Them

“I (53M) have a daughter (27F) who is getting married in a few months, we will call her Kay. Kay has been with her soon-to-be husband for about 5 years now and they are finally tying the knot. I know he makes her happy, and that’s honestly all a father could possibly hope for especially since I did not have a great time being married to her mother. I did remarry a couple of years back, as has my ex-wife. Because we are divorced and my ex-wife has had primary custody, I have had to accept knowing there’s been another man helping raise my daughter. I don’t like him, but not for any reason that makes a difference in this case. They have been together since Kay was a child (around 8 or so).

I used to take Kay every other weekend until she was 15 or 16 and she started working. After that, I tried to see her as much as possible when she had time. I did my best to stay as much in her life as I could, but once she got older she had her own stuff going on, and it became hard. I did end up moving down to Florida about 2 years ago with my now wife, so seeing Kay has become impossible unless someone travels, but we still talk.

I know Kay has been busy planning her wedding, and I really don’t get a say in what happens. Kay did call me asking for me to provide the bar charge, which was around $3k. I told her that shouldn’t be an issue since I’ll have some time to get that money together. Other than that, not much has been said to me about her wedding.

Well, my sister just came to visit us from Wisconsin and we were talking about K’s wedding. I don’t know what got the conversation going, but my sister filled me in on an interesting fact…apparently, Kay wants me and her step-father to walk her down the aisle. This is the first I have heard of this.

This took me by surprise since I thought I had a better relationship with Kay than it seemed. This flipped my whole world upside down. Giving her away at her wedding is something I have been looking forward to since the day she was born…and now that’s a moment I have to share with another man? And the fact that I heard from my sister and not straight from Kay.

After my sister left, I called her. I told her that I wouldn’t be able to afford the $3k bar fee which she seemed ok with…and then I asked her if it was true, her having us both walk her down the aisle, which she didn’t deny. I told Kay that if that’s the case, I wouldn’t be attending her wedding period. At this point, we were both upset. I told Kay that if she cared so little about me to take my feelings into consideration I had no interest in taking part in her wedding…but it really seemed like she didn’t care about me. She never thought to tell me on her own…she never cared to ask me who I wanted to invite to her wedding…she really only brought her wedding up to me when she asked me for money. After all of this happened, I’ve had some people tell me I was a jerk…but I think I have every right to not attend her wedding if I don’t want to.”

Another User Comments:

“Yeah, YTJ. You divorced her mother. Her mother remarried, your daughter’s family grew. I think it’s lovely she wants to honor you and her stepfather for your contributions to her life. For everything you may have done wrong, you had a hand in raising a gracious, thoughtful woman. Instead of appreciating your daughter, you get on your high horse and tell your daughter my way or the highway. You throw a tantrum like a child and take your ball and go home. Your friends are right about the jerk thing. And if you want to miss your daughter’s wedding because you are petty and small-minded, so be it.” Peony-Pony

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. Good grief, you moved to Florida and are upset she wants you both involved. Grow up. You remind me of my own father who did the same thing, moving to Florida and then I never saw him again until I got a call he was dead and they needed me to sign papers.  You have a choice, be a child and refuse to go or support your daughter.” Ether-Demon

Another User Comments:

“YTJ. The state of your relationship is not her fault. It’s not her fault you separated, it’s not her fault you only saw her every other weekend, and it’s not her fault there was a third parental figure in her life. It may not be your fault either, but you’re her parent, you sort of have to support her relationship with her other parental figures (as long as they’re not actually bad). I get that this is really hard for you, that there is jealousy, and I’m sorry you learned about this through your sister. But Kay was probably procrastinating precisely because she was worried you would react like this. Likely because she actually cares about you. If she really didn’t care about you, she would not have wanted you to walk her down the aisle at all. Instead, think of it as a sign of the strength of your relationship that even though she has spent so many years living with this other man as a parental figure, you’re still important to her, you will still always be her father. I hope you decide to talk to her, express how you’re feeling but also try to understand her perspective. It may actually be a really important talk for you to have.” gooser_name

“My sister got married this past weekend.

For a little context, I’ve (19m) been seeing my partner Emmy (19f) for 8 months now. Emmy was invited to the wedding despite the fact my sister doesn’t like her because she would rather me be with an ex-fling of mine. My ex-fling Anna (21f) is the sister of my best friend Josh (19m). I don’t have any contact with Anna and my best friend and I have set our own boundaries regarding all that. Anna has also made my partner feel uncomfortable on purpose many times to the point Josh called out his own sister multiple times.

We also have 4 other friends in the friend group all similar ages 19-20 years old and all of us are college students. My sister knows all of them but isn’t close to any of them.

Anyway. My sister prefers Anna over Emmy because she considers Anna to be prettier and more classy. I never entertained her thoughts and I always put firm boundaries that were not always respected. For that reason, she decided to invite my entire friend group to the wedding as a justification to also invite Anna. I told her that I am not comfortable with that and that she also doesn’t have to invite my friends to her wedding. We had back-and-forth arguments about that which ended up with a “my wedding my rules”. So I shut my mouth.

The wedding came etc. Since my friends are college students most of them are either unemployed or have part-time jobs at best. So they don’t make much. They ended up giving her a collective gift of silverware which cost around $200. And they also gave them another $300 in cash. That’s all they could afford collectively for the reasons previously mentioned.

My sister is now throwing a tantrum about how cheap my friends are and how the silverware wasn’t even that expensive and how they should be ashamed for being so cheap and that when you’re invited to a wedding you’re supposed to give a great expensive gift because being cheap is disrespectful to the couple who invited you to their wedding.

I said to her that she’s not entitled to a nice or expensive gift in this scenario. She invited my entire friend group out of spite only so she could justify inviting Anna despite my boundaries. She knew my friend group consisted of broke college students so she has no right to expect much.

Now she, her husband, and my parents blame me for being a jerk for not calling out my cheap friends, and for not knowing wedding etiquette.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, OP, your sister is really a bit of a twit. Your friends were generous, especially given their status as students. In this culture, expensive wedding gifts are not the price of attendance; one assumes that an invitation is a sign of friendship rather than greed. Apparently, your sister has her own, unique motives.” stephnetkin

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Her wedding, her guest list. Her guest list, and their gifts are her problem — not yours. Unless a minimum entry/cover charge, err, gift-value amount was included on the invitation, your sister should be grateful for any gifts that she received. That’s the classy thing to do.” Individual_Ad_9213

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your sister’s acting like she’s entitled to the moon and stars just because she got married. It’s infuriating how she invited your friends only to satisfy her own selfish agenda, completely ignoring your boundaries and their financial situations. Your friends did their best with what they had, and they deserve gratitude, not criticism. You did the right thing by standing up for your friends, and that’s what counts.” AriaAdoreMe

“I (23m) was selling a drill on a social media marketplace for 60$. It’s a great deal, basically new plus a battery, and I was selling for less than half of retail. I’m moving and just want some tools gone.

This guy messages me and says he wants it, so I send him an address in a public location near me. He then tries to lowball me, offering 40$. I didn’t respond because my original listing was already a great deal. He must have realized this because he then said he’d pay the 60$ and was 25 minutes away.

I was a little annoyed but agreed, and 25 minutes later I pulled up to the location. I told him I was here and waited 10 minutes. Finally, he responded and said he had to stop by the bank first. I asked his ETA and got no response. 15 more minutes later I text him that I’m going to the store, and I’ll come back after if he responds.

He finally responds again and apologizes, saying he had to drop off some laundry, but he was close by and he would be there by the time I got back from the store.

I went to the store and came back around 30 minutes later. He STILL wasn’t here. I message him again, and 5 minutes later he responds that his laundry was done and he had to pick it up, but was now on the way. He then sends me a screenshot of Apple Maps showing me his ETA, and he was 10 miles away.

At this point, I was pretty annoyed. This guy had wasted about an hour of my time for no reason. I live about 5 minutes from the meetup point, so it would have been no issue if he just said he’d be an hour late, but instead, he decided to just keep running random errands and lie about when he’d get here.

So I just went home and didn’t say anything. When he finally got to the spot, I told him he had wasted an hour of my time and that I wasn’t going to sell to him. He was pretty annoyed and even offered an extra 10 bucks if I came back, but after wasting my time I’d rather keep the drill than sell to him.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Having dealt with these things often sadly this is a far too common tactic. They wear down your patience so by the time you actually meet with them you’re fed up, annoyed, and then they still lowball you so hopefully you cave and go “I just want this over with” and take the low offer to be done with them and the item and the hassle. I’ve had it happen more than once and sadly I’ve caved before due to my own frustration and anxiety of being put on the spot. You did right.” artemis1860

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. THIS makes me so mad! I sell stuff all the time on Marketplace and I’ve gone out of my way many times to accommodate people. And most have been on time. But do NOT waste my time! Not when I’m, with the kindness of my heart, doing YOU a favor! Even though you were only 5 minutes away it’s still very disrespectful! No morals on his part!” Truetexan624

Another User Comments:

“OP – you did not “let” a guy drive 30 minutes; he CHOSE to buy an item you were selling. Then he messed around for an HOUR and for what? He didn’t want the drill that bad if he took that long to come to meet up and kept providing excuses. Your agreement was “meet in 30 minutes to buy drill for $60″. He kept NO part of that agreement so don’t feel bad at all.” One_Ad_704

“My son “Max” (9M) has a best friend, “Felix”.

Felix has a half-brother “Miles” who is only 6 weeks younger than him. My son is also friends with Miles, he just gets on better with Felix. He has another half-brother who is 7 months older, 2 half-siblings who are teenagers, and a 6-year-old full-brother. None of the moms are still with the dad.

Felix’s mom doesn’t work and looks after Miles after school. She also fairly regularly has Max over for playdates.

On the occasions where I have asked if Felix wanted to come to our house after school, his mom has requested that I also take Miles. With her reasoning being that it would be unfair to Miles to invite one but not the other and I wouldn’t have if they were twins (I would). To me, it always just feels like she’s trying to saddle me with another kid so she doesn’t have to look after the one that’s not hers, without having the other to entertain him. I think that Max and Felix deserve some time to play just each other without a 3rd kid hanging on.

This has now happened 3 times, where I’ve invited Felix over and had to also invite Miles. Last week, I invited Felix over after school on Friday and let her know it would be Felix only. She requested that if I wanted to have only Felix for a playdate I have him over on the weekends instead of the weekdays, as Miles would be at his mom’s on the weekend anyway.

She explained Miles would be home alone at hers without his brother on Friday night, she said he’d be bored and would probably feel rejected. She says he (magically) wouldn’t mind on the weekend just because he’s at his own house. When I brought up that she has another son Miles could play with she told me it’s not the same.

I told her I couldn’t do the weekend because we are busy, she asked about the weekend after next, and I informed her we are busy most weekends as all my kids play competitive sports.

She told me I could have both on Friday or neither. I told her it would be neither and hoped that she was happy trying to destroy her son’s relationship with his best friend. At which point she invited Max over on Friday. I told her no because I had fun things planned for my kids (and her son if she would let him come alone).

We went back and forth for a bit (over text). At one point she said that I don’t understand what it’s like balancing a “tricky” family dynamic. I told her it’s not my fault she decided to be 1 out of 4 of some guy’s baby mamas. She replied “I’m glad to finally know how you really feel about my family” and added that my son would not be invited to her house in the future. I told her it was probably for the best as I shouldn’t have really exposed my son to such a messed up family situation in the first place.

Although my husband agreed about me putting my foot down regarding the mom’s insistence on Miles always being invited, he has said I handled the whole thing wrong and I was a jerk for insulting their family. I’m not sure I agree, she knows her situation is messed up.”

Another User Comments:

“YTJ for being judgmental and rude. You really don’t know anything about their family dynamic and are making assumptions about her character based on a tiny amount of information. What you said to her was cruel and completely unnecessary. A seriously low blow and immature. You could have set a boundary that you only want to have one child over without making insults about her and her family. That would have been the mature thing to do. As a mom, she’s well within her right to decline a play date invitation for whatever reason she wants. Sounds like she’s a mom in a complex situation doing her best to help her kid have a relationship with his brother. Get off your high horse. It’s not unusual at all for people to have step-family or half siblings and have to navigate that as a team. It doesn’t mean their families aren’t loving or your parenting is any better than theirs. If you’re going to judge every parent who has a more complex family situation, your child is going to needlessly miss out on a lot of friends. I hope your kid doesn’t end up being as judgmental of others as you are. If your son’s relationship with his friend is now ruined, it’s YOUR fault for straight up insulting his family, not hers.” alexiagrace

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – You have no idea what ‘her motives are’ for wanting her other son to be invited, so keep your assumptions to yourself. Given how hard she was trying to accommodate her son’s friendships when you wouldn’t budge an inch – I’d say she’s doing a pretty decent job as a mother. You’ve had Miles over before – but now want to start excluding him, and you think he won’t notice that and question why or be upset by it? This all sounds like you want validation for looking down your nose at someone with a different family dynamic to you. You don’t know how this woman came to have a child with the father, you don’t know the circumstances, you don’t know anything. And even if you did – it doesn’t matter. You are not better than her. Your attitude is proof of that. The only person who has potentially destroyed the friendship between these kids is YOU. But I imagine your horse is far too high for you to be able to look in that mirror.” squirrelsmakepopcorn

Another User Comments:

“She ain’t the one destroying her son’s friendship with his best friend. You are. You just dropped it by saying nasty things to her about a situation you know nothing about. You could have just said you weren’t comfortable having two kids over. You could have compromised with her and let your son go to her place. You could have told her weekends would have to wait until your sports season is over but after you can have Felix over. Instead, you decided to be a judgy jerk and burn that bridge. Good job ruining your son’s friendship. A+ parenting right there. YTJ.” Creepy_Sea_6723

“I moved into my neighborhood about 5 years ago and am a single female in my mid-to-late 20s. Early on I would hang out with the children on my street and be lenient with them regarding being on my property. About 1.5 years in I got a puppy that got out quite a few times over the first couple of years of owning her and my neighbor has been helpful in getting her and keeping her in their house or backyard sometimes if I’m not home (this was when I learned she could open the front door from the inside).

This family has been generous on other occasions such as having me over for dinner once, shoveling my driveway a couple of times, and assisting (barely) with putting up a new fence that benefited them as much as it benefited me.

Over the past year, there have been numerous occasions where their son (“Timmy”) will either hop the fence to get into my backyard or open the gate and later leave it open because “it’s too tall for him”. My dog got out a few more times because this happened on multiple occasions. I had asked Timmy and the other children on our street nicely to ask for my permission before entering my backyard. I had even talked to Timmy’s mother about it a few times, one of which was when she was opening my back gate to let Timmy in. Her reasoning for this was because I was not home when Timmy knocked on my door so she took it upon herself to let him in. After that moment I bought a no trespassing sign to put on my fence but ended up not using it.

Thankfully the past few months have been fine and Timmy and his friends were even coming to my front door to ask if I could get their ball for them so I figured we were past this. This morning I was driving back onto my street but when I was about to pass my house to get to my driveway, I saw Timmy and a friend on the roof of my shed (in my backyard) and Timmy’s father next door helping them. I stopped my car right there and called out asking what they were doing. The father’s response was that there was a ball between the fence and my shed that was only accessible by climbing my shed. That’s all fine and good, but I asked why he couldn’t wait to ask me before doing it and didn’t get a response.

When Timmy and his parents left for the day, I went outside and put the no trespassing sign on the fence right near my shed (next to their property line). Well five hours later they arrived home and I received a text from Timmy’s mother outlining how generous they have been and how they have respected my boundaries so they were really hurt by the sign I put up.

AITJ for finally putting the sign up after Timmy and his parents still don’t understand my wishes of asking for permission before entering my yard?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, I would treat these as separate issues, just tell them you like them, but they have to respect your boundary. They don’t seem dangerous remotely, so I’d just stick to your guns and only escalate things slowly like you’ve been doing. I think you handled things pretty much perfectly.” Ketalania

Another User Comments:

“I blame Timmy’s dad. He told the kids to climb the shed. And he obviously felt no need to wait for your approval because he was right there supervising. That was very wrong of him, IMO. It’s rude and it’s been problematic. But, that kid is going to follow his parents’ lead before he listens to you. So, the signs are for the parents. NTJ.” AndSoItGoes24

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your neighbor is full of it: “I received a text from Timmy’s mother outlining how generous they have been and how they have respected my boundaries so they were really hurt by the sign I put up.” Your boundary is “ask permission before accessing my property”, and it has been violated repeatedly. If their kid can’t close a gate to keep your pet locked up, he’s not responsible enough to wander around your property. Your neighbors may be upset because you’re enforcing this boundary, but it’s your decision.” Reddit User

“I F22, now pregnant, and my brother M 23 have always bickered growing up. He has it rough, but I was still defending him from family issues. Besides the point. He’s now again owing me 207$. We live at my mom’s. All I and my mom do is clean up after him, feed his dogs, pay the bills, etc. He works full-time with a decent job. I work night shift 3 days a week. He is always loud and doesn’t care that I need to sleep and it’s not his problem and I need a day job. So I texted him to be a little quieter so I could sleep. He proceeds to call his friends and go off I’m done with this place, the stupid rules. I’m expected to be quiet because she can’t get a normal job, etc. I then proceed to text him don’t be a jerk. I respect you when I need to be awake so you can sleep.

It blew way out of proportion IMO. He’s like I am not your slave I don’t need to listen to your rules I’m tired of it and I am putting my foot down. I was like there are no rules, move out if that’s what you want, you can’t even pay your own bills. I clean up after you, pay bills, and take care of your dogs while picking up after you because you’re a mess. (which is true my mom and I clean up after him from trash, beer cans, clothes, shoes, dishes, etc) I also added we aren’t maids or slaves either. It went on and on.

So I said I’m going to turn your phone off and you can give it to me because I’m paying for it. I’m pregnant and single and the dad kicked me out, nights are the best pay for me, and fewer days a week because I’m exhausted. I can’t keep affording to pay his phone. So that’s why I said I’ll turn it off. He then tells me I’m just like our dad. (long story we don’t get along with our father ) I said well no wonder Dad does this to you because you can’t even be a responsible adult, pay your phone or it’s off. So AITJ?

For context, his phone bill is 103 a month. He has a bad history of paying me at all or on time. My parents will often front the payments.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your brother sounds extraordinarily entitled. I grew up with a sibling who worked the night shift. It was no big deal to be quiet for her. Headphones cover a multitude of sins. And I wouldn’t even tell him you’re going to turn it off, either. I’d just turn it off. He’s got a decent job, he can pay his own phone bill. I mean, he’s acting like it’s his right to expect things from you. And in the future, if you pay for anything for him with the understanding that he will pay you back, make him sign a promissory note.” RighteousVengeance

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Turn the darn phone off and stop cleaning up after him. He’s 23, not 3. And when he kicks off again get him to tell his mates all about it – how his pregnant, single mom, younger sister pays his phone bill because he’s too much of a bum to pay it himself. Pathetic really.” Deisidaimonia

Another User Comments:

“YTJ – You are not maids or slaves? Umm….YES YOU ARE. Stop enabling him! You and your mother keep covering for him. He has no reason to be an adult while you care for him like a child. Stop complaining and take action. Be prepared though since you have allowed him to not have to grow up; there will be tantrums but the longer you wait, the harder it will be to take a stand. Good luck.” Helpful-Science-3937

“I, a 26-year-old female, will be moving into my new apartment in a few weeks.

I’m not a huge fan of drinking and only enjoy the occasional fruity cocktail when I go out for dinner with my best friend or will have a shot of soju if I’m feeling adventurous. I don’t drink at home and would rather stick to coffee and boba tea.

My dad is a functioning heavy drinker who won’t admit it and will get inebriated if booze is around.

I’ve decided to make my new place booze-free, I know nobody besides family who drinks, and don’t think people need booze to have a good time.

Well, the news has not gone over that well in the family group chat, my dad and uncle both think I’m being silly and should allow people to bring booze along if they visit but I don’t want to have people drinking at my house. The rest of the family is shocked that this excludes wine as they wanted to bring some to the housewarming party that I want to throw.

All my friends don’t drink so they don’t care.

I sent a list of non-booze beverages like grape juice or fizzy drinks but they claim it’s not traditional.

One thing is that my family will leave booze with the host as a way to say thank you, and as I dislike wine and beer it would just get wasted.

I personally feel that they can drink everywhere else and one place that will probably visit once in a blue moon doesn’t need to have booze.

Dad actually told me he would bring booze anyway because you need booze in summer when you are celebrating.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I am a recovering heavy drinker and this might be your chance to talk frankly with your family. A substance abuse counselor once asked me (and a group of addicts) why we drink. Then he said, “Rhetorical question. You drink because for whatever reason you can’t handle your realities. If you drink when times are good, then you drink to enhance those good times, if you drink when times are bad, you drink to get over them, whether or not it works. Now we’re going to work on the bad times, but let me ask you this: what is it about the good times that make you want to alter them? What’s not good enough about your reality in that moment that you feel the need to change it with booze?” There’s a lot left out there for brevity. This was a conversation that lasted an hour with a lot of back and forth, and I’m not typing all that out. But maybe it’s time to ask your family, “What is it about my company that isn’t good enough? Why do you feel you need to try to change your reality around me to feel comfortable?” Get real with them. Make them confront their drinking head-on.” Reddit User

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – First and foremost, it’s your home, your rules. Just as you had to respect their rules when under their roof, your family has to respect yours. Don’t back down! Secondly, I can see that you’re coming from a good place and are trying to help your dad. Best wishes OP.” SmoSays

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and tell dad if he brings booze he can leave or put the drinks back in his car but if he goes out to drink and thinks he’s coming back in he’s kidding himself because he won’t be allowed in the house inebriated. It may be time to tell him that his drinking has become an issue and how it truly makes you feel (be specific with him). I also suggest Al-Anon for you, it will really help you to learn how to detach with love and set healthy boundaries and make sure you’re not enabling him.” mortgage_gurl

“I’m a medical student who’s taking a class on otolaryngology (ear-nose-throat related diseases). The professors bring a first-year resident to every single class so he can review his knowledge about basic stuff.

When I was six, I couldn’t breathe properly because I had enlarged tonsils and a huge adenoid. During that time I was breathing through my mouth. My face still resembles an “adenoid face” which is what you call a “mouth breather” face. It’s really slight, nobody realizes it in my day-to-day life. Only I’m aware of it and the ENT doctors can tell. They always ask “did you get your adenoid removed as a child?” But no one else, really. I’m completely content with my face and I never want to change anything about it.

Today during the class the professor asked if any of us had our tonsils removed, and a few people and I raised our hands. And then he asked if any of us had our adenoids removed. Only I raised my hand this time. The resident turned around and asked to see my side profile. He saw my slightly recessed chin and he acted fascinated to see it.

During the break, out of nowhere, he came up to me when I was hanging out with my friends at our desks and showed us photoshopped pictures of actresses where they had their chins recessed. He told us “Chins are a really important part of our beauty, even though people don’t realize”. He didn’t directly tell ME but he didn’t stop showing the pictures until I looked at the screen. At this point, I felt really sensitive and I lashed out at him, saying nobody asked about his opinion.

He seemed really sad and left us alone. My friends got confused about why I lashed out and told me I was being a jerk for telling him off like that. They told me that he was only a year older than us and he just wanted to make conversation. I explained the situation, yet they still thought I was overreacting. Also, some of them tried to hold their laughter when I told them about me looking like a mouth breather.

I felt so bad and insecure about it I cried when I came home. Yet I wonder if I was the jerk because all my friends told me that I was overreacting. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Beauty is cultural, and cultural beauty standards have no medical relevance. Dressing up your opinions about what makes someone attractive with medical jargon and “logic” doesn’t make it appropriate or relevant to a medical school lecture. It remains offensive to everyone attending the lecture who was insulted by his dressed-up opinions about what makes someone attractive, and I cannot for the life of me comprehend why he didn’t expect anyone to be offended after calling them ugly in a classroom setting.” wroteyouabook

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This guy is into physiognomy, it’s morally correct to tell these weirdos off. If he wants to make conversation there are billions of topics other than this, particularly when he went up to your group directly after he found out about your adenoids removed. The fact that your friends don’t think it’s weird to have a phone full of women photoshopped to “prove” that beauty standards are somehow objective is kind of questionable. EVEN if he had no bad intentions, it’s pretty normal to get an upset reaction when you go up and poke at someone’s insecurity for no reason.” Pemwin

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, the young doctor learned an important lesson about commenting on people’s appearance unsolicited. Best he learns from peers now rather than later upsetting patients and causing problems. Sure they’ll say he “meant no harm” but you don’t have to mean it to cause it.” queerofengland

“My husband and I have 2 children (3F and 1M).

Until last month, I had a nanny who spent 6 hours a day with my kids while I worked from home. But she decided to stop for personal reasons and it was unexpected.

My mother-in-law and I don’t have a close relationship because she is the typical “momma bear” and it took a long time for her to respect our boundaries, we are currently on good terms.

The first week without a babysitter was a mess and my husband told his mother that we were struggling until we could find a babysitter and she said she could help since she was dismissed from the service. At the moment, we really needed help and we accepted.

It was a nightmare, she doesn’t understand the concept that my being at home working is not the same as being off work and even though we had several conversations, she would often ask for help or come and talk about random things or simply wouldn’t close the door and my children came in to talk, among several other interruptions. After a lot of complaining and talking, things got a little better, but it was still a huge amount of stress.

At the beginning of this week, she said that she could continue to care, but that she would need to receive a salary, as the bills needed to be paid and she gave her “price” (the amount was a little below average, but nothing special) and I just felt overwhelmed.

I talked to my husband and said I didn’t want it, because despite it being cheaper, it’s very stressful and she doesn’t know how to respect limits, so I would prefer a professional who knows respect and isn’t part of the family.

He complained saying this would be a way to help his mother before she retires (in 3 years) and we could help the family and not a stranger.

I said that I was the one who stayed at home with her and was interrupted all the time and he didn’t work at home to find out how much his mother disrupted my work routine by not respecting limits.

He still doesn’t agree with me, saying that we should give his mother a chance and that she has already shown herself capable of changing (with a lot of difficulty and time) and that he didn’t want her to go through difficulties if we could help.

In the end, he relented, but we agreed to pay for the 2 weeks she worked and we are looking to help out a little with her bills. But he’s upset with me for this joint decision and his mother is criticizing me for not helping her and preferring a stranger. The new babysitter will come on Monday (all luck, she’s a former babysitter of mine who was available).

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. This is not about family. It’s business. You are trying to fill an employment position. This behavior would be unacceptable from an employee you weren’t related to, and it’s not acceptable from your mother-in-law. If an employee is not fit for a position, they don’t get hired. Period. Her presence is creating unnecessary stress and contention. It’s better for your relationship with her if you limit the exposure, also. Your partner needs to understand that. I realize his intentions are good, but “road to trouble” and all that. If you’re not able to get your work done due to said employee, you will have less money to pay them. The relationship needs to be symbiotic. I can empathize with your situation: my parents and in-laws DO NOT “get” working from home (something both my wife and I do). Since we don’t go to a physical place, they don’t think we’re working or that we don’t need to be as focused. This lack of boundaries and understanding has been the source of many issues over the years. I get it. If I was forced to employ one of them for some reason, I’d likely end up renting office space nearby to avoid the situation entirely (which I’d end up resenting and causing more contention, so… no win).” consolelog_a11y

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – My dad told me when I opened my own business, “Never hire anyone you can’t fire.” Flash forward a few years, and my in-laws were “helping” me. Their help consisted of them doing data entry wrong (so I had to redo it), saying things to my customers that offended them (because they thought they were super funny), and telling my landlord I needed expensive building renovations when I needed no such thing. My husband was furious when I told them that I didn’t need them to come out, and that they should just enjoy their retirement. They had cooked up a plan to learn the trade so we could open a second location. Except they learned nothing, and they wouldn’t take direction, and the father-in-law was a day drinker. There was no way I was going to hitch my wagon to that particular star. In the end, you need someone to watch your kids while you work. If you can’t work, why would you need someone else there? If she’s not going to do the job, then why would you pay her? Your husband can be mad. His mother can be critical. And you can be warm and toasty in the knowledge that their anger and criticism amount to a fart in a hurricane.” LostArtofConfusion

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The bottom line is you’ve explained repeatedly that you can’t be disturbed at home BUT she continually does this. The fact that she is still criticizing you for “not helping” shows she does not appreciate/respect/understand (choose one/all) and shows that you won’t get any “value” from her help. Your husband may want to help his mom, but mother-in-law has little interest in changing.” catskilkid

“My 25 yo step son (wife and I have been married for 6 years together for 12) got his longtime partner pregnant, I told him it’s time to get a house with her to raise his child. They did. They got married, bought a house, and began to raise their son. Four months ago he showed up at our house with a suitcase and started living with us. I knew it was a stressful time, but I guess he two-timed her with a coworker (wife told me not him). She wanted to figure out the relationship but he refused. After a month of being in the house, I sat him down to get his side of the story. Not getting any reason other than he didn’t feel like being with her anymore, I told him he had three options.

1. Go back to your wife and child and make every effort to right your wrongs.
2. Stay here, babysitting his son for four hours during the day while she is at work, and follow my house rules to the letter. (Clean up after yourself every day, picking up all toys, washing all dishes made by him, showering after work not before work, staying awake while watching him)
3. Leave my house and figure things out on your own.

He works nights and I found out he was staying after work unnecessarily, drinking before going to sleep for a few hours and waking up when his son got dropped off only to fall asleep on the couch when he should be watching his not even two-year-old. After a few nice and then a few not-so-nice reminders for him to stay awake he told me to essentially mind my own business and he will do what he wants.

I told him he has chosen option three and I don’t want him in my house any longer. This led to a fight with my wife and she said if he leaves she will leave as well.

AITJ here?”

Another User Comments:

“Nope, NTJ here. Living in homes comes with living with rules. Your wife is enabling him to be a good-for-nothing tosser and layabout. Stand your ground – you have house rules. If wifey decides to throw in your marriage over this, then your marriage wasn’t worth much anyway and isn’t it better to know? Heartbreaking yeah, but better to know where you stand so you can plan for your future. His mommy can hold his hand while they couch surf together and you can get on with your life and perhaps find someone who thinks of you first.” TanKris67

Another User Comments:

“NTJ it sounds like you gave him a month to be lazy all he wants, then set reasonable boundaries. Then he drank after work and passed out watching 2YO for three months. It’s impossible for me to believe the wife was blindsided by this. If she was, then she’s just blind. This is a grown man with a child. Let them leave. Please tell the mother, assuming she’s fit to parent, unlike your stepson. That poor baby.*” BringBackRoundhouse

Another User Comments:

“NTJ your wife is enabling this behavior and finds it totally okay if she’s willing to leave with him. Frankly, I’d wave bye as she goes out the door because what kind of person finds neglecting a toddler to be appropriate behavior? I would also reach out to his ex and let her know about the neglect. That baby is going to get seriously injured or worse, she needs to try and get the courts to limit him to supervised visits only.” cryssylee90

“In my city, we just got a huge dump of snow. My next-door neighbors are a retired couple. Manny is the husband and he is awesome. I might need the most obscure tool or hardware and he will have it in one of his toolboxes or a mason jar in their garage. He is also the neighborhood handyman.

Manny has a huge old snowblower that he uses to clear the snow for our whole block. The thing to remember is that Manny is retired. He has the time to do this.

He recently took a fall and can’t clean up all the snow. So I did it. At least I did my walk and driveway as well as theirs and a couple of other older people and one lady whose husband works out of town.

A few people saw me and came to ask when I was doing theirs. I said I wasn’t. I said that I’m sure my neighbor would lend them the machine if they asked.

Apparently, this makes me a jerk. A bunch of them are talking about me like I’m a lazy individual because I won’t come home after working for ten hours and clean the snow off their property for free.

I know my neighbor does it but like I said he is retired. And yes it is an old machine and probably dangerous but he showed me how to use it in like five minutes. It’s not rocket science.

I don’t feel like I owe any of them free work.

The neighbor lady is friends with my wife and even she told me that I should tell them all to screw off.”

Another User Comments:

“We used to snowplow all the elderly neighbors’ yards, clear their steps, and salt their doorways. Spouse gave himself 2 hernias doing this. One day after spending 8 hours outdoors dealing with 3 feet of snow we decided we had enough of never being thanked or even acknowledged. Sold the house and the snowblower and moved to FL—they can pay to get plowed out now. 15 years of being kind and doing the right thing was more than enough. Don’t start a behavior you aren’t willing to repeat.” SlightlyCrazyCatMom

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. The driveway at my mother’s house is terribly long, and clearing the snow (first by hand, then with a petrol snow blower) has always taken a lot of work. When I lived with my parents, it was either my job or my dad’s, but now I live elsewhere, my mum (63) is a widow and the snow clearing has fallen on her. Our neighbor has a quad with a plow and every time there is more snow, he starts clearing our driveway himself (no one asks him). Mum always thanks him and gives him homemade liqueur. I have always been taught to help others and ALWAYS thank them for their help. It should be the easiest thing to say “thank you” for help/good deed/anything you receive.” Several-Morning3848

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, not at all, but I will be honest here, you have to live near these people, and having neighbors who are annoyed at you can cause other issues, so my response will be to go and see your “other” neighbors, the entitled ones, and simply say, sorry I can’t do your places as you work 10 hours a day, so you focused on the houses that residents needed help the most. If that doesn’t give them guilt for being jerks then nothing will and tell them to shove it.” SchelleGirl

“I’m the wrestling coach at my kids’ school. One of my wrestlers “Malik” (15M) is seeing my son “Aaron” (15M). Malik and his family are Pakistani Muslims but as far as I know, are accepting of Malik. I honestly thought he was out at home the way he’s out at school and waltzs around with Aaron everywhere hugging and holding hands, and kissing. I know his parents work a lot so I don’t see them much and haven’t had a chance to really talk with them. It’s usually Malik’s siblings at meets. I happened to catch Malik’s dad at the store with one of his sisters and decided to strike up a conversation with him and get to know him as one of my wrestler’s parents and the dad of my son’s partner.

I said hi and all the usual niceties and we talked about how good of a wrestler Malik was. I mentioned how close Malik had gotten with Aaron and he goes yes yes maybe my Aaron could get him to go out and find some girls. Malik’s sister instantly shoots me a look and I quickly realized that he wasn’t out to his parents and I just agreed. I told him I had to finish shopping and ended the conversation there.

I guess his sister warned him that I was talking to his dad cause when I got home Malik was sitting on the front porch with Aaron shaking. Aaron goes off on me yelling at me about how I almost outed Malik. That Malik was terrified of telling his parents and only his siblings know. I tried to get Malik to calm down and I apologized and told him I didn’t actually say anything but I could tell he was still a little freaked out when he went home. Aaron is still mad at me and thinks I should’ve known. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – you didn’t know, you pivoted when you realized. In the future, maybe, be sure to clarify before having these conversations, especially for minors who depend on their families for survival. Your son should have given you a heads up but better not to depend on that, as evidence, and clarify for yourself.” books_n_food

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – it’s not like you did it with any malicious intent. You were very naive though. Just because you aren’t homophobic does not mean you can trust strangers to not be, especially those of the various traditional religious persuasions. If you don’t know their stance, don’t say a thing. For all we know, Malik’s terrified reaction could be very warranted.” 520throwaway

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You were able to not give away Malik’s orientation to his parents and it’s not your fault that he hasn’t told them. But Malik needs to be more careful if his parents don’t know. From your description of your son and Malik’s relationship, it seems like he’s playing with fire cause what happens if somebody else sees Malik holding hands or kissing your son and knows Malik’s parents.” pomg177

“My cousins are 4 and 6 years old and I’m 16. I’ve babysat them a few times but last time I told my aunt she needs to get a new babysitter because my youngest cousin is too difficult. He refuses to do what he’s told, gets out of bed, and runs around, stuff like that.

My aunt has tickets to Taylor Swift for tonight and she thought my other cousin could babysit but he just got sick. She’s been desperately trying to find a babysitter but hasn’t had any luck. So she asked me to babysit just this one more time. She even offered me double the money. But on top of my cousin being a little terror, tonight is a school night and my aunt won’t be home until about 1 am.

That’s the entire reason the adults in my family can’t babysit too, because they have work in the morning. I have to wake up at 7 to get to school but apparently, that’s less important because my parents have been telling me I need to just do this one nice thing for her and I’m selfish for not doing it. But also at the start of this year, they were telling me that I’m in year 11 now so I have to really start trying harder in school. So idk what they even want from me here. I would do it if it was some emergency or something, but it’s a concert. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, if all the adults think this is so important then they should be stepping up to assist. I do feel sorry for your aunt, but surely she can find another babysitter before tonight, especially if she is willing to pay double. I kind of admire your resolve here. When I was in year 11 I would absolutely have taken up the offer of double-pay babysitting and being late to school tomorrow morning, lol.” Sweeper1985

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Isn’t it funny when someone calls you selfish for not doing something, but they could just as easily volunteer? They’d rather pressure than be the solution. Huh, a parent can step in and let the kids spend a night and your aunt can pick them up in the morning. Personally, I think that’s too much for a young adult, especially at the last minute.” No_Material5630

Another User Comments:

“Tickets for this concert were really difficult to get. This is going to be a once-in-a-lifetime show. None of that is your responsibility to ensure this for anyone. You set a boundary. You have two really good reasons: you have school in the morning, and there is a child who you can expect will make this a terrible experience for you. It seems to be ignored because of what the concert is that your aunt has a responsibility first to her children. I am wondering if her child gets up and runs around when she is home? Or, is it just that he takes advantage of you? Either way, this is not about whether 4 is a difficult age, or whether this child has needs that have not been met to ensure that they are able to begin self-regulating. This is about adults pushing your boundaries. People are going to push your boundaries. They are going to be upset when they cannot manipulate you into changing them either by being angry at you or through guilt. If you can start by keeping this boundary with your family that will forgive you, it will be easier for you to not feel like you have to justify your boundaries the next time. I wish that I had worked on my people-pleasing tendencies earlier. If you can, I applaud keeping your boundaries. If you decide to relent, don’t beat yourself up. Either way, you are definitely NTJ.” No_Tumbleweed_9916

“My (23M) friend, Tyler (25M) has a significant other Megan (24F). Megan and I live in the same state, while Tyler lives two hours away from us. Megan and Tyler have been together for about 6 months but we’ve all known each other for about our whole lives.

I was never close to Megan like Tyler was growing up, she was just an acquaintance to me and I rarely ever saw her out of school.

Megan lives with her mom and her sister. From what Tyler told me Megan and her mother get into arguments frequently. During these arguments, Megan’s mom kicks her out causing her to stay in a hotel for some nights until they get back on good terms.

When Tyler told me how bad a certain fight got and how Megan was put out for a week, I told him that she could always stay over at mine. I have a 3-bedroom apartment and live by myself.

Now here is the problem, Megan is a very hard person to share a living space with. She leaves her dirty clothes around the house, she is constantly asking me for things that I’ve told her about, she goes into my personal items like my work laptop and my regular one, and from what my neighbors say when I am not home she blasts music in the house.

I had a conversation with her about it 3 times and she told me she would stop but the same stuff continued.

Last night, her sister (23F) Karly told me some things about Megan one of them being that Megan doesn’t get into fights with their mom and she always stays at someone’s house for days at a time to get free food and mooch off them.

I told Tyler this and that she couldn’t be over at my house anymore and he shrugged the screenshots off and told me that I was being a jerk for using a ‘lame excuse to kick his significant other out.’”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. It should be obvious to anyone that an offer to stay at their house is contingent on good behavior. Going through your personal items and disturbing the neighbors is completely unacceptable, and absolutely grounds to rescind your offer. She has brought this on herself and it sounds like she has nobody but herself to blame for both you and her own mother throwing her out.” Amalthea_The_Unicorn

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You saying “she can always stay over at mine” was a kindness, which she didn’t return to you. It wasn’t a contract. I can’t imagine doing even one of the things she did when staying at your home, much less all of them in the span of a few days. That sort of behavior is bad enough, and the fact that she lies about being kicked out of her house so she can go mooch off others is just the cherry on top.” TemptingPenguin369

Another User Comments:

“YTJ because you are letting this happen. Did you reread this? WTF is with you? Stop whining and fix it. The solution is not complicated. This is not Tyler’s problem it is yours. Tell her it’s over, take the key, and stop this now. Sometimes being an adult means you will make decisions that make others mad because they can no longer take advantage of you. Megan is 24. She needs to stop using others and take care of her own grown self. I know you gave her a key, didn’t you? Get her keys back or better yet, change the locks (she will make a copy before returning it). Get out of the middle of this now. And you grow up too. This is not Tyler’s problem it is yours. Talk to her directly, take the key, and stop this. Taking my mom hat off now.” MissKKnows

“Some time ago, my (F28) SIL (F29) made a joke that basically went like this: “Sometimes I don’t get why women wanted to be emancipated so bad, now I have to go to work every day!” At the time I didn’t think it was very funny and I thought it was a pretty ignorant thing to say but I don’t think one bad joke is a reason to start a whole thing so I ignored it.

However, SIL has repeated this sentiment at least three times to me, with a joking tone but not necessarily as a mindless joke. I told her that I find it a pretty tasteless thing to say because it’s disrespectful to wish that every woman’s freedom is taken away just so that you would have the life you want. It’s not even like it’s unattainable to become a housewife these days.

It was never a really big deal but it bothered me that she kept bringing it up. One day she said it again when the two of us were talking, something like, “if only women didn’t fight to work 50 years ago, I could be at home all week instead of working.”

Here’s where I could be the jerk. I told her: “SIL, if things were just like they were 50 years ago you would be working regardless because you are single.” At that, our conversation ended and she ignored me the rest of the day. I heard through my husband that SIL was very upset by what I had said.

I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t know this is a sensitive topic for her. As you could have gathered from this, she really wants to be a stay-at-home mother but she’s not having any luck with relationships. I feel bad for her but in my opinion that doesn’t mean she can say whatever she wants without consequences.

My in-laws are bothering my husband saying that I have to apologize to SIL. He doesn’t think I have to if I don’t want to, but I’m going to apologize anyway because it’s the easiest. However, I do want to know, am I the jerk?”

Another User Comments:

“OMFG, like being a “stay at home mom” isn’t “working”. It’s working, you just don’t get paid. And it’s always irked me when people say, oh, so and so doesn’t work, as if so and so is over sitting on the divan while somebody brings them bonbons instead of running around after rug rats and scrubbing the toilet and doing laundry. But what you meant, OP, was that fifty years ago SIL would still be working, because she wouldn’t have, or be able to get, a husband to work for her. Because she is unsuitable. Which is kinda mean. But after hearing her little catchline over and over, I would get tired of it, too. NTJ.” YouthNAsia63

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – I think she is misguided but also kind of raised a point that she probably doesn’t understand. The women’s movement to work was exploited by capitalists. While people should have equal opportunity regardless of gender, we ended up in a situation where both people in a partnership have to work outside the house to make enough to get by, and then also manage housework. She’s got the solution wrong by going back to the 50s and the gendered division of labor. But we did mess up by letting the average hours from paid work go up from 40 to 80 hours a week per two adults. You’re still in no way the jerk.” beth_hazel_thyme

Another User Comments:

“I’d start gently introducing her to feminism. I support anyone’s choices for their own life while also thinking she’s going to be very unhappy if she thinks that being a SAHM is less work than whatever she’s doing every day. She sounds immature. I don’t think you owe her an apology but I think she will be a lot happier and probably have more luck in relationships if she didn’t talk about not working being a goal. She would be far less offensive if she said “I want to work at home” or “create a home” or “support my family in the home” or “find a partner who also wants…” rather than “I don’t want to work.”” Particular_Hornet260

“I (18nb), live in my dad (40m) and step-mother’s (42f) house while I attend university for free. My school is paid via sponsorship, and I receive a living allowance that I use to pay my bills. They’ve approached me about my spending habits before – which then led to an intervention – I won’t defend myself, my spending has been on the worse end with getting fired in December, and January birthdays following.

My stepmother is a very vocal woman, and when her emotions rise she tends to feel the need to speak out on emotion-based thinking, whereas I focus on logic-based thinking. This is something she has informed me that irritates her because I give no emotional response. When she gets like this, it feels like there’s no escaping her anger so I prefer to stay quiet rather than say something that triggers her to yell.

They asked me to make a budget for my spending, and I did, using the income I get from my allowance and estimating my expenses. She got upset because she expected me to base it on former spending, not limit future spending — something I didn’t know that I needed to do; I’ve always budgeted with the present amount, without any past factors to justify it — so I “wasted her time with my fake budget and put no thought into it”. When I tried to explain, she told me that I was making excuses.

She found my old resume that I left on her desk and took it upon herself to mark it up. This is what she messaged me: “The number of errors in here…man I would immediately throw this out if I received it because again, you’re showing that you don’t care about yourself, so you won’t care about their business.”/ “You do not get to think that people aren’t hiring you because of you being queer, or short hair or or or…. it’s because you’re handing them poor quality as a representation of who you are. Plain and simple.”

Before this, I had a conversation with her about how I dress and how my short hair makes me “look bad”. She told me if I “just put in a little more effort”, dressed more feminine, and put on makeup, I’d then get a job.

So I re-did my resume/cover letter and sent it to them for their feedback.

I returned home last night to pick up some of my things — I had been staying at my partner’s house so I could get work done — and my step-mother began to yell at me for her “caring too much”, and “being seen as the jerk because (she) cares, and (I) don’t.” She was crying, and I was silent.

When she asked why I don’t care enough to respond to her, I told her “I don’t want to worry that I’m going to get yelled at every time I talk about my feelings,” and walked away.

I’m frustrated because she claims that I don’t care. I do. Just not as emotionally — I can’t bring myself to refute her because she scares me. I understand the frustration, but I don’t get why she is so upset about it. I’m starting to wonder if I did something else that they’re not telling me or I’m not picking up on, that is causing this reaction.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your stepmother sounds like she is trying to control your life and emotions instead of actually caring about you. You have the right to voice your feelings without fear of being yelled at or judged for not responding emotionally enough. Keep standing up for yourself and don’t let her negative comments affect you!” zahooelviane

Another User Comments:

“She’s one of those people who like drama and you aren’t giving her drama. Plus she thinks that the only sign of caring you could have is to be emotionally loud all the time. She also wants to know that she can affect you, which means crying or laughing or getting angry. She doesn’t like feeling like she doesn’t impact you enough to cause a reaction. Of course she does, because she shuts you down emotionally. You’ve done nothing wrong. I think you need to talk to your dad about it, and also stay away from her as much as you can. Plus I’d come up with some canned responses to have at hand when she starts in after you. Something like: “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ll attempt to do better.” It’s vague and doesn’t really say anything, but if you repeat it enough, it might let you get out of the situation. NTJ.” corgihuntress

Another User Comments:

“Your stepmother needs to understand that there is more than one style of communication. Some personalities are more emotion-focused and some are more logically oriented. Maybe get her a book on the Meyers-Briggs personality test? I also don’t know what kind of employer she is if she thinks she can motivate people by insulting them. Personally, I think that’s a poor way of giving feedback. NTJ. There’s a major personality mismatch between you and your stepmother, which is exacerbated by her ignorance of normal human variations and her tendency to use verbal abuse as a form of motivation.” Regular_Boot_3540

“My cousin (21M) and I (21F) are very close. We grew up spending a lot of time together and even went to the same college. I genuinely consider him to be my brother, he calls me his sister to others as well. He has a partner “A” (20F) who he has been with for about 6 months. When I first met her she was nice but would say slick & condescending things. Or things that were rude but since she was smiling, would seem okay to say.

My cousin and I have birthdays that are 2 days apart. For a few years now, we would always do something fun together (like paintball, laser tag, dinner, golf, etc) and then celebrate also with friends and others. Today is the 7th, our birthdays are 2 weeks away and we planned to do something together this weekend bc I have plans with my friends & partner both weekends. He does too.

I called him yesterday and I guess he put me on speaker because when I asked if golfing and dinner for our birthdays this year would be okay, his partner interrupted. She responded “sorry but we already have plans together for his birthday”. I said “oh yeah I know, that’s why we planned it for this weekend. Just trying to see if he was okay with golf or wanted something else”. She then said that it was weird for us to do stuff only the 2 of us and that it was time to stop it. I explained that since we’re away from home, we started doing our own things for our birthday separate from doing stuff with our friends as well. Just to celebrate one another you know. She got irritated and I heard her whispering to him and he ended up telling me he’d talk to me later.

My cousin has told me that he really loves her and she’s special to him so I texted him after and said that I don’t know why but A does not like me and that if us doing something together was going to cause problems, we could skip on it this year. He replied asking why I was trying to cancel and that she just wants to go with us. I told him that it is only supposed to be us but it was okay and that I would still drop by to give him his gift this weekend. I was short with him because I’ve told him before how A would be very rude to me or would try to stop us from hanging out and he’s said or done nothing about it. He got mad at me, said the situation was childish, and that she just wanted to be involved. Yeah….. my partner does too but he understands why he hasn’t been invited to our plans for the last 2 years. I told him that the truth was his partner is insecure, believes I like him, and doesn’t want us close. That he needed to have a firm talk with her so she’ll understand we are family and everything she insinuates is very disgusting and makes me uncomfortable.

She then texted me cussing me out & said I had no boundaries. I didn’t text her back but told him that since he was going to allow his partner to treat me the way she was, I was going to distance myself from him. I haven’t texted him back for 3 hours now.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. That’s weird as heck that she’s jealous of his cousin. He needs to realize that she’s being unreasonable and not let her control him spending time with his literal family. You’re perfectly justified in refusing to make plans with him if his partner is going to tag along and be snarky towards you.” Papyrus72846

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She’s trying to separate him from you, and undermine your closeness. Family or not, his relationship with you threatens her in her mind. Of course she’s showing insecurity here. He should be able to do things without her getting upset about it, but that’s got to be his call to make. You can decline to see him if it involves having to put up with her cutting comments to you. Happy almost Birthday!” ParsimoniousSalad

Another User Comments:

“ESH. Yes his SO is insecure. She’s only been with him 6 months so she hasn’t dealt with this birthday thing before. Your SO is used to it. But just because he’s cool with it doesn’t mean she has to be. You admit you are very close. If she doesn’t have that kind of close family relationship then she may not understand it. Also, people can be jealous of close family relationships–mothers, siblings, whatever. Because they take time and priority, not because they are romantic interests. She doesn’t like you for whatever reason and you don’t have to like her either. But you claim to be very close to your cousin so I would THINK that you would want to do what makes him happy, as opposed to demanding that he leaves his SO behind. It’s fine that you canceled plans this weekend. I suggest in the future you bring both your SO and his SO. PS. The only person I text more than once a day is my wife. Just for reference.” 1962Michael

“I (33M) am married to my wife (30F) and live in the home we bought when I was stationed near her hometown (I am military). When we moved we let my MIL (40sF) and FIL (40sM) move in to make things easier on us and get them out of a terrible living situation.

For the past 6 years, we have lived together with our kids, with FIL being a live-in babysitter while my wife, MIL, and I work full time. We pay all the bills and mortgage and MIL gives $200 a month to help, when she remembers. I do all the cooking and shopping for groceries and most of the cleaning.

I recently applied for new orders and was either trying to stay here or go back home across the country. I am trying for either of those to ensure my wife and 3 kids get the support they need when I am deployed. The positions here were very saturated, but back home only had 1 applicant, me. So I knew I had a good chance of getting it.

Recently we have found out I am being stationed on the other side of the country, near my family, and will be moving in about 9 months. I gave my MIL a warning last month that there was a high chance that I would be getting moved, and I was right.

When we told them, we were given the silent treatment, and now are living in a tense environment. My wife posted the results of my orders on social media before we told them, so I understand that that was a jerk thing, and have apologized for it. But now anytime that we ask for help with the kids, like for work or errands, we are met with hostility.

If my wife talks to them they yell and are rude to her, but they won’t talk to me. I was finally able to talk to my MIL after work yesterday, and she told me that we were terrible people for not considering what we are doing to them. That we are making them homeless and are taking my kids away.

I have felt bad for how hard this is on them, but am also happy to go back to my family. But them saying I should have tried harder to stay and keep everything as is has me second guessing. So AITJ for moving my family and making my in-laws homeless.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – Your career requires a strategy that best supports your nuclear family. They are upset while not realizing the huge benefit your housing (etc) provided them for years. They are responsible for stabilizing their lives, not you. It sounds like they squandered time not creating their plan. It is well known military families move so their anger and entitlement that ‘you should provide for them’ is not acceptable. Release the weight of this topic in your life. You are showing up, doing your best and change will occur in 9 months. Best to you!” DesertSong-LaLa

Another User Comments:

“NTJ! Congrats on your upcoming move! Your ungrateful in-laws had 6 years to prepare for the inevitable day when you would be stationed elsewhere. Sounds like they did nothing. That’s not your fault. And now, instead of expressing their gratitude to you for giving them a place to live all this time, in exchange for babysitting and maybe a bit of money each month, they blame you for not having a place to live in a year. (And you even gave them 9 months’ notice, which was very considerate of you.) Tell them the move is non-negotiable, that you will be moving in 9 months, and while you will be happy to help them apartment hunt, if they haven’t made arrangements for new living quarters by the time you move, that’s on them, not on you.” Robbes_Watch

Another User Comments:

“NTJ – They knew you were in the military and this would always be a possibility. They also had 6 years to get their financial affairs in order. Where has all their money been going? They have 9 months to find a new living situation. That is a substantial amount of notice. The only small amount of compassion I would have had for them was that they would surely miss the kids. However, since they’re refusing to help with the kids now that they know they will not be able to live with you rent-free forever, I’m not sure how much the kids part even matters to them.” Used_Mark_7911

“My wife and I (39) lost our teenage son earlier this year. It’s been heart-wrenching; my wife actually got fired from her job because she fell into a deep depression as can be imagined.

My brother has a partner (22) who dabbles in the “spiritual world” and into all that kind of stuff. Three nights ago we had them over for dinner for my youngest’s birthday party. In front of my depressed wife and my two young children (8 and 11), she says “I can feel your son here.” I say excuse me?

She tells my wife that she can feel his presence here and that she just knows she can help us make contact and help us with closure. My youngest is confused, starts crying, my wife’s on the verge of tears, and my brother’s staring at her in awe like it’s this great thing. I told her she needed to stop that or she could leave.

She got upset and said she was trying to help us with closure and that I don’t understand. I told her to go away and leave, my brother got angry at me and we got into a big argument. They left, my wife is upset but thinks maybe I should’ve listened to her, she’s desperate. My brother is texting me about how disrespectful I was to his partner and I need to apologize. That’s not just something you say to grieving parents. AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“You, sir, have fantastic restraint and are NTJ. I’d have a hard time not physically throwing her and your brother out of my house if I had been in your shoes. As another person said, there’s a time and a place for everything and this wasn’t either of those. You all are obviously still moving through the grieving process and need time to heal your souls after something as traumatic as losing a child. You have my sympathy for that and I hope you and your family can truly heal to where it won’t hurt so terribly anytime someone brings up your son in the future. It took me a few years to get there after cancer took my father at a young age. As the partner is fairly young and is maybe used to people who humor her “spirituality” and appreciate it even, maybe she didn’t realize it was inappropriate in this case. However, your brother is a real jerk for not only not stopping his partner, but even defending her and arguing with you about it. My advice going forward: text your brother back about the complete lack of social awareness of his partner and the trauma it caused to your family with what she said. And hold firm about not apologizing to her, nor is she welcome in your house or around your family until she can apologize to you and your family AND keep her darn mouth shut! Dang, I’m getting angry on your behalf, sorry not sorry about that.” eaglekeeper168

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. If she were a genuine medium, she’d understand the delicate nature of revealing such information. Dropping bombshells without any prior request is not only insensitive but downright heart-wrenching for those who aren’t prepared to hear it. A true professional would exercise discretion and respect people’s boundaries, knowing when and how to broach sensitive topics with utmost care and consideration. I understand that not everyone shares the same beliefs, whether it’s about religion or the ability to communicate with the deceased. It’s important to approach these differences with respect and tolerance. However, regardless of one’s beliefs, it’s crucial to acknowledge when someone has acted insensitively and lacks common sense in their interactions. In this case, it’s clear that the person in question was completely out of line. Let’s address the main issue at hand – her disregard for others’ feelings – rather than devolving into intolerant comments about beliefs. Let’s keep the focus where it belongs.” firstdumbbrunette

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, please do not get sucked into this kind of nonsense which only prolongs the pain and sorrow. I am so sorry for your loss, the pain must be immeasurable. However, even if someone believes in psychic powers, it is unbelievably cruel to just talk in this manner. She clearly wants to be the center of attention and believes that this is an appropriate way to insert herself into the situation.” Kukka63

“So basically here’s what happened. My wife and I hired our babysitter who we’ve been going to for years, we have 2 sons and a daughter and we’ve been hiring her since my oldest son was a baby (though it was mostly her mom looking after the baby while she was ‘helping’ so we gave her a couple of dollars for that). She’s now 16 and can look after the kids all on her own and my oldest two love her! (My youngest is only 7 months so I’m not sure he really gets it yet, but he seems relatively happy when he’s with her).

This Friday my kids’ daycare has been closed for renovations and Daisy (our babysitter) has kindly offered to take care of them after school, from 3:30-6 pm! I get home from work at 6 and my wife gets home at half 6, however, I got home early from work at half five. When I got home I found my wife yelling at Daisy while Daisy was just sobbing and apologizing. I asked my wife what was going on and all she did was just start yelling that Daisy had cost us a bunch of money, my first thought was that she’d broken something, but my wife wasn’t telling me what it was.

She told Daisy she wouldn’t be paying her for her time and to “get out of our house and never come back or she’d call the police”. Daisy then ran out crying and I left my wife to calm down while I comforted my kids (they were all crying in a different room while my wife yelled at Daisy). When everything had calmed down, I got the full story from my wife.

So here’s what happened: My mother had been looking after the kids until 3:30 while we were at work. This was Daisy’s first time looking after my youngest son, though we knew we could trust her with the babies since she looked after my daughter alone when she was a baby.

Something important that you should know is that my youngest son has breath-holding episodes, which occur when he gets frustrated or is in pain, and he will just hold his breath. To stop them you just have to blow on the baby or they will just snap out of it on their own, they’re completely normal and relatively safe in babies, however, the episodes can sometimes cause passing out and blueness, and it’s normal and he usually wakes up within a few seconds.

To cut a long story short my mom forgot to tell Daisy what to do if that happens, and when my son passed out, Daisy panicked and called 911, and then my wife. My wife is now angry that Daisy called 911 for ‘nothing’ and has now wasted our money on an ambulance ride. My wife and I are now arguing because I think Daisy did the right thing but my wife doesn’t. Yesterday we got into a heated argument, we both said some hurtful stuff and she is now staying with her mother for a few days while she ‘thinks over my priorities in the relationship’.

AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your wife behaved reprehensibly. Daisy deserves a medal and an apology. She was unprepared and needed the information that no one gave her. If you want an expert who already knows this, then you don’t get to hire a teenager to babysit and your wife needs to get comfy paying a lot more for a professional adult nanny who comes with this sort of knowledge. Your wife prioritized money over the safety of the children and the most basic respect and kindness towards Daisy. You may also want to reconsider some things. Give Daisy the money and apology your wife owes her. Also, would strongly encourage you to apologize to her parents as well, and make sure they are aware of the trauma Daisy experienced. She might have been scarred or ashamed to tell her parents the full truth and it would be kind for you to support her on that front as well.” MLeek

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. My little brother is a paramedic. They just lost a child because the parents waited too long to call 911 because the child did exactly what your child does. Turns out the child was actually choking. That child is now dead. Easily would have survived had they called 911 as they were nearby both the scene and hospital.” Much_Independent9628

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. “My mom forgot to tell Daisy what to do if that happens, and when my son passed out, Daisy panicked and called 911.” Of course she’d do that. She totally did the right thing. She then called your wife, also the right thing. Your wife shouted, swore at & made a 16-year-old kid cry, who would’ve already had a bad scare about your son. That’s just not ok on any level. Daisy needs to be paid for her time & your wife needs to apologize to her. Why she’s entrenching her position now she knows Daisy didn’t even know your son did that is really puzzling. Sounds like you’ve lost a good sitter too.” Apart-Ad-6518

“My partner has problems with glass. She is clumsy, always has been, and has broken many others before now. And I would not mind but she is also bad at cleaning the shards. This past week alone, she has dropped three glasses, one jar, two bowls, a coffee cup, and busted a plate by leaving it on the stovetop while the oven was preheating (despite being warned many times before that items should not be on the burners when the oven is heating because the conduction carries through). She’s been stressed out at work so I kind of attribute a lot of it to that.

I can’t even really say which glass objects have injured me, specifically each time, just that I have been limping for a week because I stepped on a big shard that went into my foot, and some smaller ones went into my foot as well, plus some in my palms because I missed them when I kneeled to pull the ones that were in my foot. I have stepped on or pressed my hand into glass four times this week. Tonight, when she asked for a soda I poured it into a plastic cup instead of a glass one like she prefers and said she couldn’t use my glasses and she pitched a fit. I can’t phrase it differently. She progressively got angrier at me for bringing up the other broken glasses because they were just accidents and I shouldn’t punish her especially because I started mentioning others before this week, but even so, I am sick of going through gauze and tape. She insists I’m making a mountain of a molehill and I should clean it up myself to my specifications because she does her best.”

Another User Comments:

“How long has this clumsiness been going on? I’d be worried that there’s an underlying medical issue because that’s a huge number of items to have broken in such a short space of time. Does she give any reason why she drops things? Could be eyesight, nerve issues, or something more involved like a neurological problem, and the clumsiness is just a symptom. You need to encourage her to get checked out by a doctor because this isn’t normal.” TelephoneHopeful5649

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Even unintended actions have consequences. The part about telling you to clean to your “specifications” is what gets me most here. If there is shattered glass on the floor you clean up until it is gone, so no one gets hurt. That’s just common sense. Just like doing it yourself if you caused it.” Gargantuan_Plant

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I am a total klutz due to dyspraxia. Dyspraxia is a condition where you have a hard time with coordination and knowing where your body is in space. You may want to talk with your partner about being tested for dyspraxia.  Due to my dyspraxia, my friends have banned me from using glass or having open drink containers around electronics. I have destroyed or seriously damaged three computers in the last five years. Now, I only use plastic or metal drink containers that are spill-proof. Although I was angry and embarrassed at first, now that I’ve gotten used to using them, I’m actually less stressed. I’m no longer worried I’m going to break something or destroy another computer. If you have dyspraxia or are clumsy, you have to own up to it and learn coping mechanisms. Otherwise, you are a danger to yourself and others!” ApothecaryWatching